I am feeling ridiculously sorry for myself today. What else is new? Maybe I'll meet criteria for bipolar disorder soon! That would be cool, then at least I could get some effective medication to handle my moods. Now, I just get sad and have anxiety and take a bunch of vitamins that you couldn't pronounce, some of which turn me bright red (thought I was dying, but turns out I just had Nyacin flush), Valerian and Kava (which are only mildly good at taming the dragon of anxiety). Not really fun. If I could have any mental health issue, I'd pick bipolar disorder (probably not if I had it), but bipolar people have it better. As long as they're not suicidal. Usually they're famous, have lots of money and creativity, are a little loopy and can kick some ass. Plus, bipolar women are apparently better in bed. Basically what I'm saying is that anything is better than anxiety.
Anxiety is this little bitch that decides to hang out, or creep up on you. Just when you think you're safe, there she is again. The Anxiety Cure defines her as a dragon
and you are supposed to summon your inner wizard voice power or your “patronus”. This all sounds somewhat cuckoo to me, sort of like playing Dungeons and Dragons. But I do believe in Harry Potter and apparently this is the way to manage anxiety.
You summon people on the outside and ask them for help. But I always thought anxiety was just a state of mind, I didn't realize that it can escalate to wooly mammoth, Freddy Krueger form. I have always been somewhat of an anxious person, but it has always proved to be extremely useful and functional to me. Like pushing for something you want or asking over and over, being persistent, working harder to get what you want. It always works. Until recently, when I've been told over and over again for the past two years that these efforts are futile and that I need to “calm down”. Everything that I've known and grown accustomed to throughout my life, everything I've learned has been unlearned and I've been told it's useless to be this way. It has proven useless to be this way, creating my natural instinct of fighting and trying harder, which in turn increased my anxiety. I'm not blaming my anxiety on anyone, except of course me (which I've got to let go of). Now, I'm being told that in order to get past it, I have to accept anxiety in it's ugliest form, a fat ugly meth addict with the face of my supervisor. That is some scary shit right there. No seriously...
Anxiety in it's purest and ugliest form is fear of nothing in particular, but everything in general. A constant state of butterflies, a full mind that cannot be stilled by meditation, yoga, running, talking, interacting, friends, a good social life. It cannot be stilled by aloneness, or being quiet and you can't make more noise to get rid of it. It's there. And it's there to make your life a living hell, to make everything that you used to enjoy un-enjoyable. Everything that you used to take for granted a struggle. It makes looking someone in the eye the most difficult thing in the world because you're afraid they're going to see the anxiety monster. It sends your pulse in your throat every time someone asks you paper or plastic at the grocery store. It throws shit at you afterwards and tells you that you're an idiot because you couldn't deal. It doesn't remind you that you are sexy and that people think you're beautiful. It doesn't give you a break and it doesn't give you compliments. It's sort of like waiting for Jaws to pop out of the water at Universal Studios. The more you take charge and take the bull by its horns, hoping to get some relief, the more it asserts itself, saying, “what if this is an illusion you are better? You can't handle it. You're not ready. You quit your job because you couldn't handle me. Quitting your job was giving into me- HAHA sucker! Was it really, or was it okay because the job was horrible? It's impossible to determine living with anxiety.
The next step is after struggling to do everything to get rid of your anxiety (except for medications because you don't want to end up like Heath Ledger), you move onto feeling like you are losing a battle. It's too tough and it's consuming you. The bad days start overtaking the better days, you can't give yourself a break and tell yourself it's just your period or there's nothing wrong with you your brain can't cure. Try telling this to someone with anxiety. All you need to do is change your thinking. We are the smartest at playing tricks on ourselves. If it's just in our heads, we obviously have the power to change it. But giving us power doesn't mean that we feel empowered to change. Our brains are really good at overworking to find the exception to the rule. I wish it were the get out of jail free card, but it's the opposite. The one thing that will keep you in jail, and since your brain has the power, you're brain takes that option and sabotages your wizard, because that's the sickness of anxiety.
All of you normal people out there are probably saying that anxiety is manageable and is a result of poor coping skills. You're like, “you don't have a tumor”. “Just quit your job”. “You aren't going to freak out”. “You look totally fine”. Moreover, helping professionals don't want to help because they don't take it seriously or they take it too seriously. 1. tell me why you are anxious. You don't fucking ask someone with anxiety to tell you why idiot. 2. You can get some meds. So, someone comes in and tells you that they are suffering from severe anxiety, tension, trouble sleeping and on top of it, severe panic about coming to therapy regarding evaluation. What is the evaluation? What did I do? What didn't I do? Please- give me feedback give me something to work with. Alright doc, what's the prescription? Well, here's what happened to me.
“Yes, I believe that we'll put you down as having “Adjustment disorder with emotional lability”. Hot- that sounds good doesn't it? More things wrong with me. Let's talk about some of the others! If you really want to bust out the DSM, why don't you slap me with Bipolar disorder related to PMS and oh, yea, fetishism for being obsessed with my overweight boss' g-string. Anymore? Oh yea, and maybe I need some Paxil because I'm a hypochondriac and Jewish. Thanks guys- I feel much better now. Ok, now that you are done with your fabulously insightful diagnosis, why don't you get me more anxious by asking me why I'm anxious and then asking me to explore more about it. I've been totally happy during my life with everything going on. Including my occasional anxiety- in fact occasional anxiety makes me a good employee and motivated to get more accomplished- apparently this is not a desirable trait for therapists- don't be so productive. Why do you need to do so much, just relax?
You are the fuckers that make us sicker. If someone would simply soothe the anxious and give the hard workers a break, telling them once in a while that they are doing a good job, or offer suggestions, we'd all be in neurotic euphoria. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work this day. It works it's hardest to break us down and destroy all semblance of normalcy for us. In fact, some people get so bad that they are forced to spend ten years in their homes, like Paula Dean and become huge tv personalities. Or, we could become like Barbara Streisand and avoid public performances, unless we can control exactly who will be there. This has to get more positive right?
It makes me sad to say that I definitely have chronic anxiety right now and it's easy for it to lead to depression. I reach out, but I don't think anyone really understands the severity of it's power. I need to move forward and accept what's up. First step towards dealing with a sickness is acknowledging it and being honest and recruiting people who will nurture your patronus, not your horn-tailed dragon. Sounds hot right? The ultimate battle between good and evil?
Well, whatever this entry was, it is about summoning the Patronus and finding your inner positives. We are so focused on negatives, holding onto things, being right, blaming, avoiding and other material things in this life that it's hard to break that habit and make it simple. Summon the Patronus, don't make it any more difficult that Ina Garten and her Tuna Salad. No more difficult than a beer and buffalo wings at your favorite sports bar. We all need to learn to let go, but we all need to learn how to make a difference too. Life is supposed to be a struggle as in Buddhism that should be accepted, but I don't know if it's as simple as just, letting go and accepting Boddhichitta (emptiness).
Sometimes, I long for Boddhichitta and emptiness. Look at Paris Hilton? She is totally empty and she doesn't have a problem or a care in the world. Her only concern is which exotic animal she'll own next. This is not related to the fact that she has money, simply that she has a low IQ. Ah, the beauty of ignorance and stupidity. She doesn't give a god damn what other people think of her. She's rich as hell, everything she does turns to gold and people admire her. I don't admire her because of what she represents, but of what she embodies. She doesn't give a god damn. She doesn't hold on. She doesn't care. She's not smart enough to care. She's simply lost in a dream world of experience- simply put by Pema Chodron. This may seem ridiculous to all of you out there who think Paris is a problem. Well wake the fuck up. These are the type of people who succeed in this world guys. People with no brains surrounded by smart business men. People with low IQs who aren't smart enough to analyze power dynamics in a business situation. People who walk out of the mail room because it was “gross” (if any of you saw the third season of the Simple Life you know what I'm talking about). People who name their dogs, “Tinks” after Tinkerbell from Peter Pan. These are the people who can live without problems in the real world. All the other people who have problems like La Lohan and Britney, I'm afraid to say that they had some brains, or maybe just bad parents.
More on positive Patronus Energy tomorrow- I'm off to cook a Barefoot Contessa recipe to “simplify”.
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