Fashion Sense

FASHION SENSE and IDENTITY

In the personality types entry I talked about the need for a helping professional to develop three different identities. Why three and why are they entirely separate? There is some interaction, no? I believe that my subconscious is on to something with this... I even had a dream about it last night- I saw myself highlighting a passage in book and finally understanding that just because I am a social worker does not mean that I am a social worker while having a social interaction. I interpreted this dream as my own need to re-clarify the distinction between these identities and figure out how to separate them. I have developed some serious identity confusion over the past two years. This issues do not involve my “client self”, but my professional self.

Starting off working with people with developmental disabilities as a mentor and skills trainer, my goal was to be a mentor or model for them and also be empathic and be “on their level”. Therefore, I drove them around in my car, went to work with them, advocated for them, cooked with them and behaved like a mentor. This type of role automatically eliminates some of the rigid boundaries involved in a more “professional therapy” relationship.

It makes perfect sense as we go to graduate school, that we evolve our “professional identities”. So when I showed up for my first day of field study and was told to dress “professionally” - a. do not show any skin (including the lower part of your calves) b. Don't wear any bling or other attire that is too personally expressive, including the gold shoe on your necklace. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't coming to work in Tara Reid attire. But khakis only, work pants, a button down shirt and a blazer? Hello? As you can tell, fashion is very important to me. Manolos, Dolce, Prada... (as long as you can find it cheap). There's a reason Forever 21 exists- to make high fashion styles affordable. Fashion is a part of MY identity. Being someone who grew up in athletic clothes and expressing myself individually through fashion (think sometimes funky/sometimes problematic Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City)), sacrificing it was a big step.

Brief flashback/insight into my neuroses: When I was younger, I always rebelled against conformist attire. Even though I wasn't a tomboy, I hated skirts when I was SUPPOSED to wear them. But give me a skirt and tell me to go play in the mud and I was there. Piano recitals it was all about jeans and docs (I mean Docksiders, not Doc Martens). When I was 5, I had to go to a piano recital and was given one of my cousin's elastic dresses as a hand me down. You know the one I'm talk about. For kids, the elastic goes up right under your pits and the strap is wrapped around your neck (like a halter). I refused to wear it as it was to be worn and wore it instead as a long skirt. My mom was livid and we had a big fight, but dammit, I looked cute. Plus all the kids liked it and I got lots of compliments. Even back then, I was into trends.

That shows how much I gave up for my social workiness (ha ha). But it also shows that I was able to mature personally and professionally and learned to separate those two identities. While I assume there are few fashionista social workers there are out there, LADIES, this was the best advice I received. After hearing that I must be a nondescript professional- especially being told because I was “cute” and working with criminal populations, I really needed to be careful – I was OK to conform (maybe it was because they reassured me it was because I was cute- hee hee), a bit annoyed, but ok to conform. Hey, I'm not unreasonable, just stubborn. I looked at the bright side. After all, I had a great time shopping at Express! They had some really cute blouses- I'm not kidding. Ones that didn't expose anything but gave you a bit of style- quote from Birdcage, Nathan Lane, “one must have but a hint of color”. No one ever said that you had to be a boring professional. You need to look neat and tidy, not-provocative and perfect, but definitely not boring. So, it wasn't that bad.



So there you have it- that was my professional self at work. I successfully and quickly turned into the quintessential Gemini. Diesel jeans, stilettos at night, and Gap basics during the day (oh my GOD! I sound so Perez Hilton). I got lucky enough to find a Prada shoes sale and hook myself up with a hot pair of flats for work (only $50). Thus, I took pride in my work appearance (and always in my own appearance) and grew to love this “professional identity” aspect of work. I even kept the clothes separated in the closet because of what it represented to me. I also washed them every time I left the hospital and would not put them close to clean clothes (Jewish neurotic thing- hospitals are dirty, must wash and un-germ myself). I also kept my name tag in my work bag only. It was sacrilege to put it in my “personal” purse. Yes, I had a “personal” purse and a work bag.

A bit of advice: No one wants to see your knock off Vuitton at the office because they all tell you it's real and they don't understand how you can afford it and consider you a spoiled brat (if only they know you paid less for your bag than they did for theirs. Then, you're in this pickle where you are tempted to explain yourself, but shouldn't because it's none of their god damn business anyway.

Until recently, I have believed what I was taught at my first field study. Most people have two different identities. Their “work self” and their “personal self”. “Personal self” is just you alone regardless of what you do as a profession. You might be a bit wacky, anxious, funny, kooky, Jewish, a Scientologist, neurotic, you might like to party and dance, you might like to run marathons, you might like to knit, you might like to sky dive or ride motorcycles or smoke. Whatever it is, that's you and you're personal friends and family's business ONLY. This is up to you to keep separate.

For me, there is absolutely no problem between separating my “personal self” from my “client self”. I have been taught this since I showed up my first day at my field study and was told that I needed to button up, dress professionally and not show my personality in my clothes.

(Side note: Needless to say that when I arrived at my more recent job following grad school, in the burbs, people were not so conscious of their appearance. Not only did they dress casually (the same as they would dress at home- sorry guys, I have to share that my supervisor once came to work with her g-string poking out on top of her jeans), but I was told that I needed to be less professional. Staff made fun of my attire and I eventually toned my dress down to fit into the agency culture. Then, it was suggested by upper management that maybe male clients mistook my empathy because I was showing too much skin (this was in reference to a tank top I wore to summer staff retreat. I would never wear a tank top to work, regardless of the fact that I had worn jeans). Ah the beauty of no one being on the same page.)

In the helping profession, it is inevitable that some of your personality will seep out into your interactions with clients (that is IF you have one). I agree with Carl Rogers' concept of the genuine interaction. I do not believe that we should completely revamp our personalities for therapy. To me you dress like a professional, look like a professional, but you are an individual and can practice your own type of therapy with clients, which is where your personality or individualism comes through. Maybe this is with a sense of humor, with a certain energy, insightful comment, brief, non-personal story relating to the client's dilemma. There is no need to sacrifice your professionalism to get on the client's level. You can use language: verbal and non-verbal. (“mimicking”- Salvador Minuchin -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvador_Minuchin).

Maybe you use more common or less complex language if clients are less educated. Or maybe use drug references and slang when working with substance abusers or criminals. However, you absolutely do not make yourself look ANYTHING less than professional and you never reveal too much about yourself to clients.

Even if they love hypothesizing about you. My personal favorites, “you're totally in recovery, you look like you used to smoke a lot of weed”. “You would never know what recovery is all about, you've never been there. You don't even smoke”. And on and on the groups would go. I never revealed my personal status because first of all, this was too much fun and second, how is it helpful to the client? They are looking for any way to keep the attention off them. If you tell them anything early on in treatment, you lose their faith and interest most likely and you spin a whole different dynamic on the therapy process.

Now, your “work self” encompasses an element of unspoken professionalism intended for clients and colleagues. Many people become friends with their coworkers and choose to show them some personal self- for example some of us will go out to drinks with coworkers, a norm in our society. I used to do this all the time at my field studies. Even though we all worked at a substance abuse agency, we would have a drink after work and talk about whatever. We would also go out to coffee sometimes on the weekends. This was safe, it was okay because it was a culture. If you think about the people you work with, you rely on them for a social outlet. As a helping professional, there is an element of confidentiality that you need to worry about. Therefore, these are the ONLY people that you can talk to about all the trauma and shit and craziness you experience on your job. They are also the only people that are present for the trauma, shit and craziness you experience on your job and sometimes have the ability to go through something with you and feel what you were feeling, or see what was happening from a different angle. Hell yeah, you can go home and tell personal friends and family about what happened (without names), but it's not the same. These interactions with staff are therefore key. Why? Because your “personal self” needs these interactions for nurturing and safety, and your “professional self” needs them for growing and developing.

Furthermore, on the job, when you share an office as a helping professional, it's nearly impossible to not express some of your own feelings when your clients leave. It is a proven fact that people need others to vent with in order to stay sane as a helping professional (Skovholt, Resilient Practitioner- the Professional Greenhouse idea-
http://www.springerlink.com/content/k17q2065h145r1n8/
). During a stressful time, it is inevitable that your “personal” judgment will slip out when your client leaves. Such as, “oh my God, he's so using”. And everyone is the office laughs and you all talk about it and why you think that. Everyone gives there two cents worth and this is therapeutic and a learning experience. I think there was even one situation where a colleague and I came up with a spin off on the Barbie doll entitled “Borderline Barbie” who came equipped with her own prescription of Klonopin and wrist bands (for suicidal gestures). This may not seem funny to anyone else, but it was. We decided not to try and sell to Mattel because of all the legal issues. This colleague lasted 2 months - she was only a case manager (didn't have as much riding on the job) and decided to quit because the agency was too scary for her.

Now, imagine what happens if you either are isolated on the job, or if you are in a hostile work environment. Think about what happens to your identity? Since it is necessary for your personal self to be nurtured from coworkers, you put yourself out there. If they don't react, or don't tell you what they are thinking, or withhold information from you, you walked into that scene in Eyes Wide Shut (sorry about the Tom Cruise references, but once again the cult images come to mind). If you try to change the work environment and make it more friendly by asking for help and colleagues don't share fears, ask for feedback or advice or tell you only that they are confident, it succeeds in creating you as a vulnerable and exposed person. This is your personal self reaching out for nurturing and your professional self reaching out for growth. Therefore, hostile and toxic people, who you are supposed to be able to trust with your professional self are let into your personal self, without it being safe for them to be there. Your professional self and personal selves are therefore damaged again and again, but you continue to reach out, because you need feedback to learn and grow. Eventually, you are going to wonder what's wrong with you if you continue to do what all the books tell you to, but your needs are still sabotaged and not fulfilled. Make sense?

This is not about clients because the boundary is drawn with them. But do we have draw it with our colleagues too? In order to protect ourselves from coworker hostility, jealousy or whatever it is on the job, we have to completely remove our personalities from work. We can't tell anyone what we like or dislike. We can't tell anyone anything about our families, husbands etc. If we do, we are opening ourselves up for personal attack. If we tell anyone about that weekend trip we are taking, we are opening ourselves up, not for an exchange of what they are doing over the weekend, but for something they can use against us, or use to pry into our personal lives and launch full-blown attacks such as “running is what addicts do. If you run too much, you are crazy”.

So, if you guys are wondering about my obsession with the “cult” type behavior and lack of personal expression, now you might understand. If you work in a profession where you have to rely on your colleagues for so much support, how is it possible to not trust or like your colleagues? How is is possible to grow if they don't have any intention of growing with you, offering vulnerability or anything of themselves? How do you protect yourself? Skovholt says that the person in a helping profession walks the tightrope of self-preservation and helping others. When helping starts to hurt, they must use self-preservation. I had to self-preserve and unfortunately destruct in my mission towards a final goal of my LCSW. At least for now.

So there I was, Carrie Bradshaw (personal self) in a mix of Curb Your Enthusiasm - “coffee and milk!” (professional self with clients) and Eyes Wide Shut (professional self with staff). Is any of this really funny?