Channeling my Inner Sarah Connor

Basically, I want to explore a bit more the person nature of burnout. And you ask, how in god's name this could have anything to do with the chick from Terminator 2? The psycho real Sarah Connor (not the bullshit new one). Well, be patient, there's some background needed first.

I am beginning to understand why the I-Ching keeps repeating, “be present, endure”, don't push forward too quickly. In the future, creativity will arise and productivity will develop. In the meantime, let the universe mold itself around you. I am supposed to be still to understand more things about myself in order to figure out what needs to be changed.

I have been reading Pema Chodron, The Places that Scare me. I am in one of those places. Not in the transition (I do well with solitude and reflection), but in the anxiety and loss of my profession, $80,000 on an MSW, and watching people around me moving towards that goal and questioning why I'm not there. My best answer to this point has been, “I don't know”. I recently learned that I have had a strong mind-body connection. This means that I may be more likely to manifest physical symptoms that prevent me from doing things that I do not feel good about. Unlike Keanu Reeves in the Devil's Advocate (he just had a guilty conscience), I manifest physical symptoms (neck tension, anxiety) that can get so severe that I am forced to stop me from doing whatever it is that my body is reacting against. While this is good, in one respect, it forces me to pursue a career in which I fully believe.

Maybe the reason that I got to this point is that I am wasting my person and talent on a bullshit profession where no one is getting the real help they deserve. Or, maybe I am being forced to confront what it is that scares me the most and what actually caused my anxiety to reach the peak? Maybe I'm luckier than most. I'm more interested in the latter explanation because the first one is more a reactive statement and the second one is scarier.

When I was still working at my last job, I would lead groups on a person in their environment and how addictive genes are triggered. We would sometimes have lively discussions on why Betty became an alcoholic. “Oh, the Ford family used to drink in front of me all the time”, or “I hated drinking, I never touched the stuff because my family drank- then why am I here? Oh yea, I used meth instead”. Obviously, no one has ever come to an exact conclusion on how people become addicts, but we are in agreement that there is both a genetic and an environmental component to it all. So, this theory can apply to any issue that we may experience, or trait we may pick up in our lifetimes. Well, Aunt Nan used to be normal, but then her husband left her and she became OCD, washing her hands 50 times a day until they bled. Or, Danny always drank normally, but after he left his job, he started boozin' it up everyday. Or, I was always somewhat neurotic, but since I just abandoned a 6 year goal- re-evaluating my life, I have become even more neurotic.

Basically, we all have certain personality traits and when we encounter times of stress, we obviously regress to genetics to see how we will react to situations. For some people, that means that they throw a temper tantrum when someone pisses them off or throw their negativity on others. For some people, it means that they start sucking their thumb and playing with “banky” (didn't anyone have a blanket named Banky? Not that I have one, but I'm just saying) when they are scared. These behaviors become more pronounced in times of stress and can sometimes begin interfering with people's well being and lives (which is where the word “disorder” comes in) if the stress is severe enough.

Herein lies my problem. I am insecure, as previously discussed. My insecurities arise when people throw stuff at me that isn't mine. I take it on. I feel like I did something wrong, even if it has nothing to do with me. This is part of my personality as well- the extrovert tends to take on emotional responsibility for the group. I have always been like this, but recently this seems to be a consistent trend that I'm unable to deal with. Obviously, this was an issue at work. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to learn. So, Pema, in that case, let's bring it on!

My personality is to try and rectify a situation right away. I don't want to wait, I want to come to the table with stuff that's bothering me. If someone doesn't do the same, or if they get defensive, I take this very personally, like I did something wrong. How could I have better communicated? Obviously this type of thing drove me nuts at work and took it's toll. Personally, it's difficult as well. Well, people are not as direct as I am. (There is a time and place for tolerance of this. I did too much tolerance)

When something is unresolved and someone doesn't understand where I'm coming from, I have three choices. 1. be assertive, but walk away when things are unresolvable and “take the higher road”. Don't argue, just leave. 2. Walk off with my tail between my legs. 3. Go Sarah Connor on their ass and open fire with serious verbal gunfight). Everything in social work tells you to never go Sarah Connor on someone's ass, but I now believe that there is a serious underestimation of when this tactic should be used. Especially in social work. Sometimes you can't get through to someone by using the phony smile and not showing any emotion. Especially when you are working with real people.

*Quick story- I remember running a group with another clinician. He was extremely passive and we were supposed to role play. I was supposed to be the instigator and I tried to rile him up repeatedly. The clients even got pissed off and said, that's totally unrealistic. No one acts like that”. Well, this coming from a group of women in DV relationships, but seriously. NO ONE ACTS LIKE THAT. When we switched roles I tried to play the person who got angry, but was reasonable. Clients liked that because it was more realistic, but my colleague was not so enchanted with my performance. Well, he wasn't angry because that would be too much to ask, just confused. Eternally confused.

Righty ho, back to it then. I used tactic 1 repeatedly at work, which always for some reason felt like tactic 2. This is probably because when I was young, my dad was an attorney. So he argued until the bitter end and always had to have the last word, “last word freak”- Jack Nicholson (As Good as it Gets). If he didn't get the last word, he argued until he did. This was finality. So, you mumbled to yourself to make sure you got the last word. Well, this is really important to me too now, to have the last word. To win the argument or to show that you made your point. That you really showed that SOB whose more clever or who can cut deeper. Needing the clever response at the right time when you could really twist the knife and make your point to the heart. Do you remember when you made that comment and left someone speechless? When you said the perfect mean thing that they couldn't come back? It's like the best feeling, that you got back at them. It brings you pride, self-esteem and a feeling of achievement. You outsmarted that mother fucker.

I always admired this. I always worked this way. With people that really pissed me off, I told them off. Because they were unethical. I once worked at an agency that paid people with disabilities a dollar an hour to go through biomedical waste and did not require them to wear gloves. After one day on the job, I made a big stink about this and the boss told me that they chose not to. I told her, but it's up to you to mandate them. They also might choose not to wipe their butts, but they have to do that too. She said that she didn't operate like that. I told her it wasn't working and walked out.

So, in a sense, this is a verbal gunfight. Remember the scene in T2 where Sarah Connor stabs the doctor in the neck with the needle filled with Draino and says, “you're already dead, everyone dies you know I believe it so don't FUCK WITH ME!” Yea bitch. That's justice. You want that-everyone wants that. You want to see the person whose been making your life miserable understand what you're going through AND you want to come out on top and have them later on in life appreciating your cause. Sometimes Buddhist philosophy saying that we need to let go and remove ourselves, and even more, shine love on those who piss us off doesn't jibe with the thirst for justice. Some of my desire to be a social worker came from my need to serve justice. Maybe I really should be a lawyer.

Okay, so let's be realistic. Obviously, we can't all go out, spend 8 hours at the gym training, walk into work in a black tank top and army boots with a GATT and aviator shades and tell our supervisor to fuck herself bitch (and look totally hot doing it). First of all, taken out of context, it wouldn't make any sense. It would, in fact, not serve any justice to do that. But standing up and saying, “this place is a complete paradox and makes no sense, you guys are all telling bold face lies to everyone and no one has any idea who is in charge. There is no way any normal or capable worker could function in this type of environment. I'm out. 2 weeks notice”. If I could have left in this take charge kind of fashion, I would have a clear head. Where did my inner Sarah Connor go?

I didn't really think about this concept again until recently, when I got a call from a friend who I have purposely not spoken with in about 2 months. We got into a fight last June because I told him that he was acting too important for me (in so many words). He totally flew off the handle – disproportionate to my response and sent me a scathing email about how we should not longer be friends. I called him, and instead of responding by telling him that with such a controlling comment and such a disproportionate reaction I thought he was totally out of line and didn't want to be his friend, I came off as an emotional wreck that let someone else effect her so strongly. I showed him that his asinine behavior got to me, and even apologized for my own behavior (don't ask why), I didn't tell him off and I gave him the power.

Ever since then, he has treated me like a consolation prize, when he's got nothing better going on. I don't feel like I have time for this and have pretty much continued to take the higher road. He called me on Easter and wanted to hang out. When I texted him that I was busy and we'd hang out another time, I get a totally sarcastic cutting remark about how the fact that my text message was worthless. My new self is telling me to ignore. But my inner Sarah Connor is waiting with the machine gun, so pissed off that I'm not letting her shoot that it takes her a whole 24 hours to calm down enough. It's her fault that I've got liver blood deficiency. She's like, “god damn mother fucker, let me have him, let me have that son of a bitch.” and I'm like, “Sarah, you need to calm down honey.” She's like, “don't tell me to fucking calm down. That son of a bitch needs some fucking justice”. And I'm like, “walk away, take the higher road”. But, you know what? I like Sarah and god dammit, she needs justice. That fucker hurt my feelings and Sarah is protecting me. When I don't let her, I'm containing rage and holding hurt because he's playing on my insecurities. (My insecurities are that people don't really want to be around me, but they feel obligated to do so- not that much different from anyone else. We are all abandoned at some point in our lives by people who make a difference or we admire somehow and that hurts all the worse. However, I have better friends than most people I know and while my circle is small, it is intimate and I feel lucky that I have people to talk to about anything. People who are like family. This feels good). I don't put up with bullshit. I protect myself. So, when it slips in with the form of this comment, my impulse is to bust out the GATT. Instead, I blamed myself, stayed up all night ruminating, and made him feel bad for me, which resulted in me being the “submissive” one and now, I'm cutting him out rather than dealing with him. Again, what happened to Sarah? Where's the warrior?

Well, I'll tell you. In the past, I didn't have as much riding on my future. However, I've gotten toned down over the past few three. I've been in situations where I have had to swallow the shit going on around me for so long because I realized that I needed to “suck it up” in order to advance professionally. Or, at least everyone around me seemed satisfied and there were no rebels. Everyone was meek, mild and on Prozac. I got my degree without making too big of a stink about the bullshit at the school. I worked through repeated bullshit for a year and a half. I did make diplomatic criticism, and questioned rules and regulations. However, I didn't stand up and say, “enough”. I didn't stand up for myself. I was beaten down. I was submissive, I submitted to the plight of the Scientologist, the Mormon cult. I lost the battle. Wait, was I in battle? Yes. I was. I believe that life is a battle, wherein lies the power of Sarah Connor. And now that I've realized this, god dammit you mother fuckers better watch out!! Kidding- sort of.

In Toxic People, Lillian Glass endorses a more muted Sarah Connor approach. Speak your mind, use your words and fight back, don't let yourself be abused, be assertive and aggressive and don't be the victim. Hot Lillian. No wonder you were on Oprah. This is the ONLY social work type person I have ever heard to tell workers that it's okay to yell at your bosses and your job as long as you don't throw anything and don't call them any names. Using swear words is not off limits though (to make a point). Too bad I didn't read this book before I left my job. I could've left with a real bang and serve justice where justice was due. (Again, it's not like I was going to leave with a recommendation anyway. Apparently the company didn't do that).

Maybe I should become a vigilante. The undercover social worker traveling around the country anonymously and “serving” assholes left and write. You could write into the newspaper and tell me who you want served and I'll come up with the wittiest comment possibly that will really shut them up. And you can try it.

*A quick comment about this. I can't believe I'm actually using this movie as an example, but remember in You've Got Mail? Meg Ryan always feels bad because she can't think of the right thing to say to people. Tom Hanks counters that with that he always knows what to say to people and then he feels guilty about being too mean. I would much rather feel guilt that feeling regret, anxiety and should have. At this point, leaving, was a personal blow to me. I didn't teach them anything. I didn't show them a different way, I didn't stand up and fight the struggle against anyone. I put my tail between my legs and walked out with my head hung. I didn't get the last word. They didn't hear my mouthful which served them. I tried to work with them and was diplomatic and critical of the agency, but they were successful in their plan to defeat the person trying to differentiate from their codependent energy.

So, Sarah Connor is a symbol of strength that lives in all women. She is a symbol of the fighter, the hero, the ultimate underdog, fighting against everyone to prove she isn't crazy and to protect her son and of course, avoid a nuclear catastrophe. In archetypal terminology, she is the “crusader”
http://www.likesbooks.com/78.html.
“No shrinking violet, no distressed damsel, here. This lady is on a mission, and she marches right over anyone in her way. Tenacious and headstrong, she brushes off any opposition to her goal. Don't try to calm her down, and don't try to force her to take time off from her mission. If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem, and that makes you fair game.”
Morever, ever since the release of T2, Sarah Connor has represented that female archetype. Maybe because of tough times (at that time), she represented peace, a safe place I could go to escape arguments, and a way for my dad and I to bond. He would say, “look at those arms” and again talk up the rewards involved in fighting with tooth and nail for what you believe. Eventually, the underdog would succeed. So, there you have it. Sarah Connor is my avatar. And she's gorgeous.

Ultimately, everyone embodies some certain archetype and we can have a number of them in us. My mission is to be a crusader. I spit on the damsel in distress, roll my eyes at the nurturer (sometimes), love the free spirit (this is me too- but not in the context of this entry), feel like a Spunky Kid sometimes, hate the boss and admire the Survivor. The crusader is the toughest of the bunch. She recovers from everything, she can handle it and she handles it right. She busts out the GATT with her striated deltoids and protects the world from mass destruction. Still can't believe those muscles and the way she puffs on her cigarette. And still, there is a vulnerability to her that in undeniably. All this to me is something to aspire to, in personal and professional life. When we stifle our inner selves and put ourselves in situations where we lose touch with that inner self, we become the unknown person. The entity who is just existing without a purpose. There is enough uncertainty, enough Albert Camus existentialism in the world without adding the additional confusion of stifling and muting your inner voice. If we don't have that what do we have? And how long does it take us to build it back up?

My answer to that is to listen to Sarah. Fucking let her fight. Damn the consequences. If you are a fighter, then use your fighting spirit. Or get out of this profession. We have been told as social workers the importance of communicating. That doesn't mean sucking it up and being unrealistic ("no one talks like that"). As long as you don't “throw things” (or really bust out a GATT) like Lillian Glass says, you are a smart, educated individual and you can get another job. Moreover, it's totally great to say to your future employer, “I left my last job because I felt that they were enabling people in their addictions.” Then they prompt you to discuss that further and you can explain yourself. If you don't give your employer that mouthful you've been holding onto for so long, who will? Hold onto your values, so you don't get liver-blood deficiency or have a heart attack from too much stress. Advice from the one who was there.

For real, next time onto the Environment.