Environmental Pollution

“I would strive to be an overachiever if I wasn't considered to be such an underdog” - Tanya Stephens, Gangsta Blues
“So at this stage of my life, to be honest with you, I really don't care whether or not I have the approval of a few of my peers.” - Tanya Stephens, Gangsta Blues

That's good shit right there.

I learned something today. That's that it's okay to be vulnerable. I am not a pillar of strength and that's what makes me human. And you no what, I'm not really a therapist right now. Even if I was, fuck all ya'll you think that therapists are supposed to be perfect. Any high and mighty therapists who think they are perfect, you who project the image of the porcelain china doll with an unmoving expression, FUCK YOU! You give therapists a bad name.

Okay, so after spilling my guts out yesterday, I feel kind of better. Moving forward. Now that we all know what's wrong with me, it's time to start making fun of other people again. YAY! Now, remember guys, the purpose is not to make fun of other people (although that's an added benefit), but to describe a system that is a horrifying disaster and the idiots who enable it.

WARNING: if you think that you happen to be at risk for being a part of this system, it is time to re-evaluate, evaluate or else, you might burn out, or WORSE!!! end up like me! For all you people who don't fit the crusader personality mold, you passive, avoidant, non-confrontational clock-watchers are safe, but ARE A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES AND ENABLERS!

Another Tanya quote that you need to think about before you people who can conform and “work through it” should continue is, “Do you expect me to turn the other cheek, taste my tears and admit defeat, do you expect me to listen when you speak, you never ever practice what you preach”. Yes, the social work agencies expect you to, because too many of you continue to do it and not be bothered to stand up.

Basically, regardless or what personality type you are, beware of the presence of these factors because you may not think they affect you, but they will. The trick is to find a way to work around them. The I-Ching says, don't work through obstacles, work around them. You don't push through things or try to force things. Forcing is a sign that something doesn't fit. Working around means making something fit for yourself. If you can't work around something, it's time for a change.

(a recap of my ingredients for burnout)
275 lbs of “emotional clam”, hostile, jealous supervisor
3 oz of flat male clinician with no opinion
2 cups of skin picked off meth addict faces
1 teaspoon of the eye brows they plucked while tweaking
1 whole Subway sandwich with extra meatballs and cheese
2 pieces of string cheese, four apples for my supervisor's snack (if you eat healthy, you can have 2X as much- remember guys, no holds barred)
4 florescent overhead lights that hum
A rough chop of Similac (to aid in meth production)
16,000 books about burnout telling me that there is something wrong with me
1 question on the Licensure exam that says, “people more susceptible to burnout are those who are insecure and compulsive workoholics who are unfulfilled in their personal life”
1 group room smelling of burnt coffee
20 Sumo Wrestlers full of overwhelming suppressed anger and frustration
1 hypochondriac, neurotic Jew

Let's take a closer look at some of these ingredients. To do that, I'm going to structure this entry based on the Maslach book, The Truth About Burnout which describes organizational factors contributing to burnout. Unfortunately, all of these factors were present for me.

So, there are six issues that actually contribute to burnout. I'll start by discussing each of them and giving short and hopefully entertaining vignettes from my job (remember it's time to start externalizing and ripping others apart again). Let's start with the most basic of issues.

Work overload. Obviously, as social workers, we are expected to do too much. A. work is more intense, B. Work is more complex, C. Work demands more time, D. Work creates the exhaustion of overload. All of the above. What do you do when you are the only clinician in the office on a weekend morning expected to run 2 consecutive groups with about 10-15 people in them and are expected to take payments from people and be in a safe environment? You say, “I won't work unless you get someone to cover the front desk on Saturdays. This situation is totally dangerous and unethical. I've had angry, f-d up meth addicts yelling at me from outside while I had the door locked threatening to call the police”. And then I have my supervisor nonchalantly ask what the big deal is. I had a case load of 50 methamphetamine addicts and was expected to write 50 monthly reports to community providers. There was never a convenient form on the computer as we were promised, so we wrote them out. I pride myself on my sloppy handwriting and I'm not sure after 30 that anyone could read them anymore. Not my problem. I could go on, but we all know social workers are overworked.

Now, it depends on who you are whether you respond like a turtle or a rabbit. I tend to be the rabbit. BUT, won't work overtime. There are the turtles that work overtime and the rabbits that work overtime too. And even turtles who work normal time. All kinds of turtles are usually the ones that last the longest. The more of a slow and steady wins the race type of person you are, the more likely you are to not have a personal life (cause you don't care how long you stay at the office) or care if you didn't finish everything. Moreover, if you don't care about anything, you're totally great because then you recognize that your efforts don't produce any kind of result and you're cool with that (you're depressed, in other words. Low self-efficacy means depression). If that's the case, why do you have a job at all? Why do you have a life at all? Why are you a social worker if you don't want to make change? That would only be me after about 5 Xanax, and 6 beers and some Prozac (in other words, unconscious). Therefore, while you might take shit from management that you are not being productive (not likely because social work is not a competitive profession – well, I took shit from my manager about not being productive enough, but when I asked her what productive would have looked like, she couldn't answer- especially because I was busting out twice the work as everyone else). So, if you're a rabbit, want to be recognized for you ability to kick ass and you are an overachiever, you are fucked. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Lack of Control:

Well, let's talk about this shall we? When I was originally hired, I was asked to be a part of a development team (to my understanding) to head up a new division of the company (little did I know at the time, with a completely incompetent 275 pound bag of fertilizer boss). She was a turtle. And apparently I scared her because every time I said anything, she'd curl up in her hole, smile smugly and turn bright red. Whenever I made a suggestion I would get one of three responses. A. The smug smile with the bright red face and neck – this meant, shut the fuck up before I murder you- actually, I still don't know what that meant, but this was my best guess. And when I did shut up, later I would be told that I never opened my mouth in team meeting (ha that's funny, you hear how much I have to say) B. The devil's advocate: well, let me tell you all the reasons why that wouldn't work. Well, first off, the system as it is is non-functioning right now. Why not try a rule because it would be different. If it doesn't work, we could change it. But, blah blah blah. But, blah blah blah. Ever introduce you to the little man named, “shhhhhh”? “Shhh” “shhh”. This is power and sense of control right there. Nothing I said was ever considered.
Then, our supervisor would pretend to ask for suggestions, but she would never say what she thought. So to psyche us into thinking that we had some control, she would ask for feedback just to shoot everything down. So, should we talk? Because we probably don't want to be introduced to the little man named “shhh” again.
Other situations involving a sense of control were when I would lay down a rule only to find out it had been undermined by my supervisor. Like how someone came up with a positive (5day) UA for alcohol 2 days before graduation. No one told me that this test was not considered legally admissible, especially because my supervisor told me to use it. Then my supervisor told me that we couldn't use it because it wasn't legally admissible. Instead of offering to help though, she told me to handle it. I told her that it didn't look good because I already told my client one thing, now I'm telling him another. It would be easy for her to say something because it's coming from authority. She told me to handle it. This made me look like an asshole. Then, our clinical supervisor comes to a meeting and tells us that we need to pay attention to ETGs. I put my head on the desk. My supervisor tells me to go tell the client what I initially told him, that he needed to continue treatment. I told her finally, no fucking way (this was close to my leaving anyway), but told her it was her game, she needed to take accountability. Followed by the smug smile. So the answer to the question how much control? None.

Micromanagement- I have mentioned the spelling errors right? “My mother was an English teacher so, I'm really anal”, says my supervisor. She then proceeds to correct my spelling which was correct (with spelling that would be correct in a different context). When I approached her about this, she would tell me to make the corrections. Whatever Colombo.
Next, “ummm, you left this file sitting in your unlocked drawer” (I feel like I'm on Office Space). The whole fucking office is unlocked if you have a key and moreover, what the fuck are you doing going through my office drawers on my day off? What are you looking for Playboy? Stash of porn? Right, like I have time with all my back to back appointments. While you're at it check my computer, I'm sure I was spending one of my leisurely afternoons surfing the web for stomach stapling procedures. OH WAIT! That was you!

My favorite was the pleasure and pure joy on her face when thought she was able to “catch” me on something. Maybe we should call this manipulative micromanagement. But it always got back to bite her in the ass because I never did anything that wrong! Whenever she was looking for a file (this sort of fits in with not being fair), she would come to me and search my drawers or ask me first where the file was. If I didn't have it, she wouldn't believe me. Once she did this and we were looking for the file for three days. It was found, guess where... In her office! Yay! Back-slap bitch.

Insufficient Reward:
This is the last for tonight, cuz I tired.
Well, OBVIOUSLY, as being social workers, “you don't make any money” nananananna. Well, I always wanted to argue with this, because it's true that once you break the mold of the agency social worker, you can make money. But, making money at an agency would make a huge difference. If I were making 60,000 rather than barely 40, I would have put up with more (well, actually, I think it would have had to be 100,000 to deal with the shit at my agency). You know what's great about all you martyr social workers? Is that you talk yourselves into making no money, but you have no values either. You sell out to a profession that pays you shit to “put up” with stuff. Just cuz you have the ability to “put up” with it, doesn't make you any better than us who admit we are not getting paid enough period. Not that this is all about money. I would be happy to get paid 40 grand and work at a place where I believed was making a difference.

Moreover, what I REALLY hate is that I would get guilt tripped about this at work. When I put in my notice, I was offered another “title” at the agency with a promotion. Although this was never clarified to me, (that post will be entitled termination), I was originally told I would get a 10% salary increase. Well, that sounded pretty tempting. Then, two days later, I was told actually, that I wouldn't get any salary increase, I would just get clinical hours paid. I told them, no deal that wasn't in the agreement and was asked, “what is this about money?” Again, when I asked for a job description and salary requirements when they offered me a different position and never received it, I was told that I was too focused on money. This had nothing to do with money. You need to have something in writing in order to commit to it. Later, this offer was withdrawn to as a result of my “ambivalence”. What the fuck kind of shit is this? Who are you people? Tanya Harding's lawyers? Or better yet, Johnny Cochran . “That does not make sense, so you must acquit!”. Whoever they were, E-meter reading was a million, donation to Scientology was “all” and IQ was a 2.

Obviously, all these factors contribute to one losing joy in their work. If they are consistently being guilt tripped about their “greedy dispositions”, one tends to lose interest in their work. Moreover, if one looks out for their own being, like any normal person with boundaries, one is labeled with “problem behaviors”. Therefore, once again, you turtles, who pull into the shell and ignore, become passive, avoid conflict and don't try to stand up for yourselves are successful in staying at the job and conforming, being a “supportive” part of the agency, remember, you're selling out to the big man by docking yourself on a paycheck and being a fucking martyr. And, you will also lose the joy of work (just maybe differently than I did when joy was replaced with rage and frustration and loss), because you never had any joy in the first place.

Think about this. Just because your personality type is passive doesn't mean that you can't make a difference. Did you get into social work to perpetuate the problems or be a part of the solution?

More tomorrow, continuing with “breakdown of community”.