I Love Paris...

I am feeling ridiculously sorry for myself today. What else is new? Maybe I'll meet criteria for bipolar disorder soon! That would be cool, then at least I could get some effective medication to handle my moods. Now, I just get sad and have anxiety and take a bunch of vitamins that you couldn't pronounce, some of which turn me bright red (thought I was dying, but turns out I just had Nyacin flush), Valerian and Kava (which are only mildly good at taming the dragon of anxiety). Not really fun. If I could have any mental health issue, I'd pick bipolar disorder (probably not if I had it), but bipolar people have it better. As long as they're not suicidal. Usually they're famous, have lots of money and creativity, are a little loopy and can kick some ass. Plus, bipolar women are apparently better in bed. Basically what I'm saying is that anything is better than anxiety.

Anxiety is this little bitch that decides to hang out, or creep up on you. Just when you think you're safe, there she is again. The Anxiety Cure defines her as a dragon
and you are supposed to summon your inner wizard voice power or your “patronus”. This all sounds somewhat cuckoo to me, sort of like playing Dungeons and Dragons. But I do believe in Harry Potter and apparently this is the way to manage anxiety.

You summon people on the outside and ask them for help. But I always thought anxiety was just a state of mind, I didn't realize that it can escalate to wooly mammoth, Freddy Krueger form. I have always been somewhat of an anxious person, but it has always proved to be extremely useful and functional to me. Like pushing for something you want or asking over and over, being persistent, working harder to get what you want. It always works. Until recently, when I've been told over and over again for the past two years that these efforts are futile and that I need to “calm down”. Everything that I've known and grown accustomed to throughout my life, everything I've learned has been unlearned and I've been told it's useless to be this way. It has proven useless to be this way, creating my natural instinct of fighting and trying harder, which in turn increased my anxiety. I'm not blaming my anxiety on anyone, except of course me (which I've got to let go of). Now, I'm being told that in order to get past it, I have to accept anxiety in it's ugliest form, a fat ugly meth addict with the face of my supervisor. That is some scary shit right there. No seriously...

Anxiety in it's purest and ugliest form is fear of nothing in particular, but everything in general. A constant state of butterflies, a full mind that cannot be stilled by meditation, yoga, running, talking, interacting, friends, a good social life. It cannot be stilled by aloneness, or being quiet and you can't make more noise to get rid of it. It's there. And it's there to make your life a living hell, to make everything that you used to enjoy un-enjoyable. Everything that you used to take for granted a struggle. It makes looking someone in the eye the most difficult thing in the world because you're afraid they're going to see the anxiety monster. It sends your pulse in your throat every time someone asks you paper or plastic at the grocery store. It throws shit at you afterwards and tells you that you're an idiot because you couldn't deal. It doesn't remind you that you are sexy and that people think you're beautiful. It doesn't give you a break and it doesn't give you compliments. It's sort of like waiting for Jaws to pop out of the water at Universal Studios. The more you take charge and take the bull by its horns, hoping to get some relief, the more it asserts itself, saying, “what if this is an illusion you are better? You can't handle it. You're not ready. You quit your job because you couldn't handle me. Quitting your job was giving into me- HAHA sucker! Was it really, or was it okay because the job was horrible? It's impossible to determine living with anxiety.

The next step is after struggling to do everything to get rid of your anxiety (except for medications because you don't want to end up like Heath Ledger), you move onto feeling like you are losing a battle. It's too tough and it's consuming you. The bad days start overtaking the better days, you can't give yourself a break and tell yourself it's just your period or there's nothing wrong with you your brain can't cure. Try telling this to someone with anxiety. All you need to do is change your thinking. We are the smartest at playing tricks on ourselves. If it's just in our heads, we obviously have the power to change it. But giving us power doesn't mean that we feel empowered to change. Our brains are really good at overworking to find the exception to the rule. I wish it were the get out of jail free card, but it's the opposite. The one thing that will keep you in jail, and since your brain has the power, you're brain takes that option and sabotages your wizard, because that's the sickness of anxiety.

All of you normal people out there are probably saying that anxiety is manageable and is a result of poor coping skills. You're like, “you don't have a tumor”. “Just quit your job”. “You aren't going to freak out”. “You look totally fine”. Moreover, helping professionals don't want to help because they don't take it seriously or they take it too seriously. 1. tell me why you are anxious. You don't fucking ask someone with anxiety to tell you why idiot. 2. You can get some meds. So, someone comes in and tells you that they are suffering from severe anxiety, tension, trouble sleeping and on top of it, severe panic about coming to therapy regarding evaluation. What is the evaluation? What did I do? What didn't I do? Please- give me feedback give me something to work with. Alright doc, what's the prescription? Well, here's what happened to me.

“Yes, I believe that we'll put you down as having “Adjustment disorder with emotional lability”. Hot- that sounds good doesn't it? More things wrong with me. Let's talk about some of the others! If you really want to bust out the DSM, why don't you slap me with Bipolar disorder related to PMS and oh, yea, fetishism for being obsessed with my overweight boss' g-string. Anymore? Oh yea, and maybe I need some Paxil because I'm a hypochondriac and Jewish. Thanks guys- I feel much better now. Ok, now that you are done with your fabulously insightful diagnosis, why don't you get me more anxious by asking me why I'm anxious and then asking me to explore more about it. I've been totally happy during my life with everything going on. Including my occasional anxiety- in fact occasional anxiety makes me a good employee and motivated to get more accomplished- apparently this is not a desirable trait for therapists- don't be so productive. Why do you need to do so much, just relax?

You are the fuckers that make us sicker. If someone would simply soothe the anxious and give the hard workers a break, telling them once in a while that they are doing a good job, or offer suggestions, we'd all be in neurotic euphoria. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work this day. It works it's hardest to break us down and destroy all semblance of normalcy for us. In fact, some people get so bad that they are forced to spend ten years in their homes, like Paula Dean and become huge tv personalities. Or, we could become like Barbara Streisand and avoid public performances, unless we can control exactly who will be there. This has to get more positive right?

It makes me sad to say that I definitely have chronic anxiety right now and it's easy for it to lead to depression. I reach out, but I don't think anyone really understands the severity of it's power. I need to move forward and accept what's up. First step towards dealing with a sickness is acknowledging it and being honest and recruiting people who will nurture your patronus, not your horn-tailed dragon. Sounds hot right? The ultimate battle between good and evil?

Well, whatever this entry was, it is about summoning the Patronus and finding your inner positives. We are so focused on negatives, holding onto things, being right, blaming, avoiding and other material things in this life that it's hard to break that habit and make it simple. Summon the Patronus, don't make it any more difficult that Ina Garten and her Tuna Salad. No more difficult than a beer and buffalo wings at your favorite sports bar. We all need to learn to let go, but we all need to learn how to make a difference too. Life is supposed to be a struggle as in Buddhism that should be accepted, but I don't know if it's as simple as just, letting go and accepting Boddhichitta (emptiness).

Sometimes, I long for Boddhichitta and emptiness. Look at Paris Hilton? She is totally empty and she doesn't have a problem or a care in the world. Her only concern is which exotic animal she'll own next. This is not related to the fact that she has money, simply that she has a low IQ. Ah, the beauty of ignorance and stupidity. She doesn't give a god damn what other people think of her. She's rich as hell, everything she does turns to gold and people admire her. I don't admire her because of what she represents, but of what she embodies. She doesn't give a god damn. She doesn't hold on. She doesn't care. She's not smart enough to care. She's simply lost in a dream world of experience- simply put by Pema Chodron. This may seem ridiculous to all of you out there who think Paris is a problem. Well wake the fuck up. These are the type of people who succeed in this world guys. People with no brains surrounded by smart business men. People with low IQs who aren't smart enough to analyze power dynamics in a business situation. People who walk out of the mail room because it was “gross” (if any of you saw the third season of the Simple Life you know what I'm talking about). People who name their dogs, “Tinks” after Tinkerbell from Peter Pan. These are the people who can live without problems in the real world. All the other people who have problems like La Lohan and Britney, I'm afraid to say that they had some brains, or maybe just bad parents.

More on positive Patronus Energy tomorrow- I'm off to cook a Barefoot Contessa recipe to “simplify”.

Communication Breakdown

Getting back to the 6 factors contributing to burnout- a bit more of a serious entry that is not about tearing down hippies and left wing liberal feminists.



COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN:

Sort of like the Led Zeppelin song, but not really.

Prior to starting, I need to reiterate that there is a “personality” involved in whether burnout will affect you. Just because you are in an environment where everything is torn down for you, doesn't mean that you are going to get burnt out. If you have the ability to remain passive and non-emotional and remove yourself from the community, you may be able to function effectively. If you are an “island”, unlike John Donne's comment (no man is an island, after meeting helpers at my last job, I totally disagree), you could exist. Now, are these good qualities for being a helping professional? No, they are totally paradoxical to the point of being a helping professional who bases his work on helping others change. If he is so afraid of change himself, how can he help others do something that he cannot? This is why it makes me happy that a friend listened to my advice and stood up to her supervisor. The supervisor wasn't happy, but my friend was ethical and followed appropriate guidelines of social work practice.

Break down of community:

Here are three elements that contribute to a breakdown in community followed by examples from my job.
A. fragmenting personal relationships
B. undermining teamwork
C. working separately, not together

Obviously, all three of the elements listed above are based upon appropriate communication. That communication only exists when modeled by an appropriate leader. If the leader refuses to communicate, there is a breakdown in community.

A: Fragmenting relationships: Since there were no strong personalities in my office, or no personalities at all, I will eliminate the “personal” relationships part. Everyone at my work was an island. My supervisor, “Clam Chowder”, (this name is appropriate because it is fattening, evil, chalked with chunks of indeterminable substances and more than any other fattening soup, won't talk) remained in her office, especially when there was something going on that needed to be discussed. Sometimes, she would sneak out of the office, her face bright red, saying she was sick. I think she just jonesing for McDonalds (Damn I'm a bitch). Even though she was about 40 meters from my office, she usually blocked herself off and made herself scarce, which is not welcoming of open communication.



One word to describe the other clinician at our office, would be constipated. When I tried to talk to him about anything, he was so constrained by his role as “clinician” that he was unable to reveal true interaction or emotion. For a couple months, I shared the office with two ladies who were funny. This clinician would stand awkwardly at the door while we were bullshitting and laughing. Rather than saying, “hey guys, sorry to interrupt- but there's a situation”, he would wait for someone to acknowledge his presence. When I say constipated, I'm not kidding: a rounded, bronze color face, scrunched red cheeks, little wrinkles around the edges of his eyes, brows raised on the inner part. I was often tempted to ask if he needed some Ex-Lax. If there was a real life version of Hansel from Hansel and Gretel, he would be it. He would have fit in wearing leiderhosen and yodeling at the Hofbrau Haus. His body language was stiff and tensed, ready to recoil like a scared Pomeranian. My favorite story about him: I was scheduled to work the day after Thanksgiving and he came to me the week before Thanksgiving and said, “my plans fell through, so I could come in to the office so you don't have to”. I said, “Sure”. Didn't think twice. I don't think he was expecting that, but why would someone be so self-deprecating to even offer? Oh, right, because he's a social worker! It's their job to self- sacrifice and look constipated!



On the one hand, he was irritating, but he was not the problem that I took home with me. He was sort of like the dread locks on a hippie. Not necessary, but adding more description to an already defined stereotype; a side note. But he didn't make any waves either, which of course left him on better terms with “Clam Chowder”.

You might think that I was a main issue involved in communication issues with the supervisor, being so judgmental. But while I am aware of the judgments and stereotypes in my head, I don't necessarily let those ideas affect my behavior. I can give myself props on leaving this part at work. This does not make it impossible for me to communicate with the person. In fact, it drives me harder to do so. I thrive on trying to make unlike people understand one another and communicate. I have never encountered such hostility towards this goal before.

(*Someone recently reminded me that in order to have an effective relationship, you have to have two parties willing to participate. I was definitely one of those parties. This is really important to remember if working in a hostile environment. Regardless of your efforts, if other people refuse to cooperate or meet you half way, you cannot communicate needs to refusing parties.)

Example:
At team meeting, “Chowder” gave the illusion of paying attention to comments, but simply argued as soon as an idea was presented. At one point, when she asked us what we thought, I actually said to her, maybe you'd like to share what you think first because you obviously seem to have an opinion about the matter. Smug smile, no words. Pattern: time to shut my mouth. Bottom line, no community. How do you feel like a community if you don't know what your supervisor's goals are? Sharing yours at that point is pointless, especially because the little man named “shhh” is the only one hearing them. Simply put, you can talk to a paper bag all you want and it still won't understand you.

As time went on, towards the end of my employment, she changed my exit plan (which had been determined four weeks in advance) 4 times for my exit, in her own mind, so upper management could blame me for “not listening”. I was not aware of these changes. She had a new employee show up on my last week who sat at my desk and waited to be trained. “Chowder” also took it upon herself to avoid the office for that whole week. I am proud to say that I was a total bitch to the new woman (who didn't even know what bipolar was because she hadn't been in mental health for ten years since they renamed it from manic depressive disorder. This was a real slap in the face to me. As I was told, I am not special, I just do a job). I refused to train her and told her that she could not hang out at my desk because I had enough paper work and final client meetings to attend. I told her that she could meet my clients, but not sit for a whole session with me.

*Side note: This was the last straw for me and I couldn't figure out why I did not just pull a Sarah Connor, tell everyone their heads were up their asses and let them deal with the consequences. I should have made a stand. I confronted my supervisor, when she crept into her office one afternoon about what was happening and she told me she would handle it, obviously not a priority. What was it that I was not being clear about. “I can't deal with more work. I do not have time to train a new employee. I could have had you told me about it 2 weeks ago, as planned, but I do not have time now. My days are scheduled out. It is not my responsibility that she was trained in advance.” Nothing happened.

Obviously this is a communication breakdown/community breakdown. Me trying to communicate and getting more direct and forceful and her avoid communication at all costs. This is not an effective work environment, this is not team spirit.

B. Undermining efforts:

As previously mentioned, “Chowder” consistently undermined my decisions which contributed to a loss on my part of understanding of our purpose, goals and the system. What is my role, what is your role? If you are going to tell clients that it's okay for them to continue dry drunk behavior and I'm not telling them that, what is a client to do? And if I am supposed to let some things slide, which ones when there are cumulative effects? So, it's okay that our client wore a Jack Daniels teeshirt to your group, and not to mine. It's okay that the client was caught hanging out at a bar and buying beer at the supermarket, but because we like the client who was caught, we give them a break and don't tell their P.O. All these “individual case basis” were way too confusing to me. If my supervisor liked someone, she would stand up for them at all costs, not considering that they could be lying to her face. She felt special because they were telling her the truth, but lying to me because they didn't trust me. That's pretty narcississtic if you ask me. I said I was cute, but she claims that she's superior because knows that clients are telling the truth to her and not me. Sounds “unfair”, undermining (if you believe clients over staff), breaking down community and working separately.

Obviously, personal relationships were fragmented, obviously there is undermining of clinical efforts and last, and I think it's pretty clear that everyone is working separately because no one will get on the same page. But here's a further example.

Working Separately: Smells like Team Spirit: (Can't you just picture Kurt's grungy striped tee-shirt and smudged make up on the cheerleaders?)



I once had a supervisor who would give us 10 minutes to talk about one client and if we weren't able to agree on what to do, he would make the decision and we would move on. This really forced everyone to work together to solve an issue and come to resolution. This is effective communication.

You're probably wondering if I was undermining teamwork, if I made a suggestion, I would always ask people what they thought about proposals. I asked whether they agreed and I tried to pull together everyone's comments and then sum up the ideas to see if we could come up with an effective mission statement. When I got, yet again, stupid looks from Hansel and a smug smile from “Chowder”, I asked “Chowder” alone to find out whether I was stepping on her toes, because whenever I made a suggestion, there was no response. She said, “I never worry about stepping on other peoples' toes”. You would have thought that I asked her the temperature in Kathmandu! What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I began to wonder whether she was actually a paper bag.

So, sum of all three things, “the Smells Like Teen Spirit” team who spends a total of 2 hours together a week talking about nothing and listening to a supervisor promote pointless discussions about one client and making sure that we don't understand company policy that continues to change weekly is not the way to develop community.

Individual values and company values don't match:

I have one thing to say about this. If you don't know company values because no one will tell you aside from the fact to set company values is a problem (the conspiracy of Ron Hubbard- give yourself over and win, fight and lose), then it seems impossible to determine your own values in line with company values. If your supervisor refuses to openly discuss and facilitate discussions about these issues, it accentuates the confusions. Last, if no one seems to have any values because they don't show any emotion about anything or excitement about discussing their beliefs, values schmalues. The policy of the agency was to manipulate people into sharing personal values, to use that personal information to sabotage employees. I know that sounds like an Roswell Area 51 conspiracy, but it's totally not. I believe the agency would elicit information from you to determine what type of person you are in order to manipulate you into staying or doing their work. They would play on your vulnerable and weak points that they learned from “eliciting” information to get you to give into them.

Lack of Fairness: While I feel that it is obvious that much of the treatment I received was “unfair”, here is a good example. I believe that by rebelling against what was going on, I did make myself stand out, but this was no reason to be punished. I was always the last to know about all the meetings and things that were mandatory for us to show up at. My email system was down a lot because I was using the newer computer and so I didn't always get emails, or for some reason, no one else got my emails. I tried leaving notes for people in their boxes. I was very clear about all my communication but was blamed for being unclear and unreliable at meetings, but never directly. Through knowing glances by my supervisor or passive aggressive comments about me not being at some meeting that I didn't know about. After a while I really did start to feel like the joke was on me. Why did everyone else know? And who sends out notifications the night before about meetings the following morning? And if I was the only and last person working the night before isn't it weird that I STILL didn't know?

While I do like standing out to some extent, I like it to be in a positive way. When people consistently comment on my differentness, it gets really obnoxious. I remember occasional awkward staff luncheons where everyone would pick on my eating habits or the fact that when I have cheese fries, I don't eat the WHOLE thing, so I tried to talk about something benign, let's try travel. Well, “I don't understand why you would want to go to Italy, it's scary. In fact, I don't know why you would want to leave the state”. I'm wondering why a simply conversation changer, seeing as how we were sitting in a restaurant with a bunch of pictures of Italy around us, was a problem with me rather than just a conversation starter.

Once again, Fairness, schamirness.

Rampage on Hippies

I declare this a hippie moment! This has been an interesting time of reflection. Recently, I have been able to provide some advice to other social workers. Last week, I had a friend who called me when her cheap supervisor refused to buy a lock for their client drawer. Since my friend was pissed about it, I advised her to stand up to the boss and feed her the laws of confidentiality. She listened to my advice and said, “that was the first time I stood up to her and it felt good”. In turn, this made me feel good that I was able to play a part in making a change by giving advice. Hey, maybe my ranting and raving serves a purpose after all! My hope is that there are enough people out there who are willing to take a risk and not have our spirits crushed, back down or conform that we can make our point. That's when change starts happening and when we deserve respect for what we do. Social Workers do not deserve respect for being self-sacrificial martyrs who put everyone's needs before their own.

I also discovered that when surrounded by NORMAL people, that I continue to have a positive motivating effect on them. At my gym, one of my friends asked me where I got my great tan, I told her that there's nothing like a little fake and bake (which by the way is a cure for low spirits- UV rays and a hot look), and some makeup (but it has to be expensive because otherwise you turn orange). Two days later, she told me she went out and purchased the makeup and also wanted to know what I ate when I was running so much. Two days later, she purchased the sports energy fuel that I had told her about and was happy when it gave her more energy. This is not an ad for Gleukos. Just felt good to know that I made someone happy by sharing tanning secrets.

(Note about self: The one thing that I will not put down about myself is my looks. I'm cute and I'm in good shape. I run, do yoga, stay up on fashion and wear heels whenever possible. Anyone who doesn't needs to learn the power of heels. It's refreshing when people recognize this about me and ask for fashion or self-care tips. Moreover, anyone who doesn't understand why you would want to wear heels, when you could wear Alligators or Birkenstocks needs to check their heads. Do they get all the looks when they go out? Or do I? Air Raid! Bitches all of you! (Parker Posey- Dazed and Confused) Maybe there is a bit of self-sacrifice in heels (you have to get a few blisters to get hot- but you get those from Alligators too- they are SO uncomfortable and cause athletes foot), but that's different because the pros outweigh the cons. Bear with me for a sec.

Pros to wearing heels: 1. your calves get strong, 2. people automatically look at taller people- taller people are more successful, 3. you feel better in heels. There is actually a stiletto 5k). The cons: 1. occasional blister and 2. uncomfortable feet. So, while you have to pay a price of wearing 4 inch Jimmy Choos (not that I can afford any, but if it's good enough for SJP...), you gain a general sense of well being, which is obviously important. For those of you who also can't afford Jimmy Choos, head to your local Forever 21 or Shoe Pavillion and pick up a pair of cheaper heels (I have $29 comfortable ones). Make sure the heel is thicker than a stiletto (you'll wobble), but thinner than a platform (platforms are totally passe). And voila, naturally hot.

Maybe I need to move to New York because my values jibe a bit more. There, you can walk outside without getting the once up from every chick on the block because you are wearing sunglasses and heels. One more comment about fashion sense in cities where people HAVE NONE. Does it bother anyone when you go out to dinner in the wintertime, that you wore your best getup for your anniversary or a celebratory dinner and you can't take your god damn jacket off? I mean what is it about most towns in New England, and the Pacific Northwest that you are expected to show off the latest version of the North Face line? Sorry, did I miss the runway special on this, because it was NEVER ON! Last time I checked, North Face and LL Bean wasn't running a fashion show. It serves a purpose, but for those of us who are lucky enough to be able to afford heat, let's use it!



Especially if it's 20 outside. That way, we can actually show off the cute little dress we bought for the occasion, or look cuter in a simple tank. However, in less fashion conscious towns, no one cares about their appearance and think that it's all about their minds. I am definitely not one to prefer body over brains, but, I definitely don't think that's an excuse to let long hairs grow from your chin as a woman. (I always just want to pick the hairs when I see people like that).

If you go to LA, it's not like they have their air conditioners cranked year round to cool down the restaurants. The restaurants encourage people to show a little skin and look their best. LA is over the top as far as people putting their bodies on display, but it encourages people to look their best when they go out. I like that. It is an extreme in that there is so much silicon in that city that it puts a substantial hole in the ozone layer. But, PC and ultra progressive towns (New England, Pacific Northwest) are an extreme in the wrong direction believing in function as fashion. Clothes are purely function and casual and most people pride themselves on getting dressed in the dark. The more you can make a political statement in your chose attire, the better. Be recycle conscious and buy things that don't create waste. Instead of buying a wedding gown from Vera Wang, have your dress made from recycled paper because it's saving the trees.

You know what? If we want to save the trees, let's legalize marijuana so that we don't kill all the trees and use hemp instead! And if we want to save the environment, sign up for a charity run and don't throw your recyclable cans in the garbage. Don't worry about the fact that your one little bottle of hair crème (even though it controls the frizz and makes you look hot) is destroying the environment and instead decide to boycott washing your hair because it creates more “natural oils”. Those natural oils smell like shit and piss everyone else off! I don't call this activism, I call it complete lack of self-respect. I refuse to run around in long underwear and four layers of capilene wherever I go. “I have a nice body, and I wanna show it off!” - Eric Cartman. Also, just because the general sentiment of the town is that everyone should just be alike and wear sweaters or Patagonias in fancy restaurants, doesn't mean that we have to conform. I refuse and will simply ask them to turn up the heat! If you look hot enough, usually the male waiter will comply. With that said, moving right along.



I promise, I'm getting back to social work. The point is displaying self respect in our behavior and our appearance. While I don't thrive on controlling people or telling them what to do, I think that the fact that I have this attitude influences others if they respect it. This influence demonstrates why I got into social work in the first place. It makes me feel good when people ask me for advice, or when people are rewarded by suggestions I make. This seems really simple, but for me, it's a quality that I possess (I think), that people are motivated by my suggestions. People like my fashion, my uniqueness and me (not that everyone does, but some do, the others can go do their own thing, I couldn't motivate them if I wanted to). I need to be able to use that ability in my work. This may sound like narcissism but it's a skill that is simply different from other helpers' ability to listen and stay completely non-emotional and non-judgmental. As a therapist, I believe that my opinion matters and that offering it to people can be helpful for them.

This is why I enjoyed working with people with disabilities so much. I noticed a concrete difference in their lives based upon simple decisions you help them make or when you act as a model for them, they look up to you and start doing things differently. I would get comments from parents and families that they had seen so much difference in their family members socially and vocationally and were sad to see me go as an influence. I once had a parent who was grateful to me because her daughter started talking again a few months into our work together. These differences are notable and make someone feel good about themselves. This is a reason to get involved in helping others. Nurses work in a hospital, work in homes where they give direct care, help with medications and because of them, their patients get better or are supported. These differences are concrete. Doctors do the same in an ER or any hospital. While they hold a tremendous amount of responsibility, they support their clients.

Therapists see clients once a week under usually false pretenses. Even clients who want help usually don't bear all to their therapists (as previously mentioned). Therapists are not privvy to their real lives, their real interactions and their real communication. They base their beliefs on client self report. And if therapists are not to use the client relationship as part of therapy, they really suck (as in the therapists that I sought help from- more on the sucky helping professionals later).

Therapists have no ability to know whether there really was a change in their clients life. Their clients could be coming in and make things up. Clients tend to idealize their therapists and want the one objective person in their lives to recognize them as different or special, someone who stands out from the other clients. But really, if the caring and the relationship is vacant, there is no help available. In my opinion, caring comes from the clinician taking an active interest and role in the clients life. It's difficult to do that in a therapy situation where everything is so staged. It's possible to do it, but you don't have evidence as you would in a more natural environment. If you work in someone's home and work as a mentor, you work with the family and the individual in their normal environment. Then, as they make mistakes or do something well, you give suggestions or praise and get the whole “system” on the same page, rather than just telling the individual something. This is WAY more powerful and effective in my opinion, and leaves out all the psychoanalysis involved with going to a therapist. Not that if someone doesn't find the right therapist, that they can't benefit from that relationship as well. However, once again, there is a need for an emotional tie that is not necessarily tangible to happen before work begins.

That was my food for thought for today. Next time, I'll get back to the 6 factors contributing to burnout.

Environmental Pollution

“I would strive to be an overachiever if I wasn't considered to be such an underdog” - Tanya Stephens, Gangsta Blues
“So at this stage of my life, to be honest with you, I really don't care whether or not I have the approval of a few of my peers.” - Tanya Stephens, Gangsta Blues

That's good shit right there.

I learned something today. That's that it's okay to be vulnerable. I am not a pillar of strength and that's what makes me human. And you no what, I'm not really a therapist right now. Even if I was, fuck all ya'll you think that therapists are supposed to be perfect. Any high and mighty therapists who think they are perfect, you who project the image of the porcelain china doll with an unmoving expression, FUCK YOU! You give therapists a bad name.

Okay, so after spilling my guts out yesterday, I feel kind of better. Moving forward. Now that we all know what's wrong with me, it's time to start making fun of other people again. YAY! Now, remember guys, the purpose is not to make fun of other people (although that's an added benefit), but to describe a system that is a horrifying disaster and the idiots who enable it.

WARNING: if you think that you happen to be at risk for being a part of this system, it is time to re-evaluate, evaluate or else, you might burn out, or WORSE!!! end up like me! For all you people who don't fit the crusader personality mold, you passive, avoidant, non-confrontational clock-watchers are safe, but ARE A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES AND ENABLERS!

Another Tanya quote that you need to think about before you people who can conform and “work through it” should continue is, “Do you expect me to turn the other cheek, taste my tears and admit defeat, do you expect me to listen when you speak, you never ever practice what you preach”. Yes, the social work agencies expect you to, because too many of you continue to do it and not be bothered to stand up.

Basically, regardless or what personality type you are, beware of the presence of these factors because you may not think they affect you, but they will. The trick is to find a way to work around them. The I-Ching says, don't work through obstacles, work around them. You don't push through things or try to force things. Forcing is a sign that something doesn't fit. Working around means making something fit for yourself. If you can't work around something, it's time for a change.

(a recap of my ingredients for burnout)
275 lbs of “emotional clam”, hostile, jealous supervisor
3 oz of flat male clinician with no opinion
2 cups of skin picked off meth addict faces
1 teaspoon of the eye brows they plucked while tweaking
1 whole Subway sandwich with extra meatballs and cheese
2 pieces of string cheese, four apples for my supervisor's snack (if you eat healthy, you can have 2X as much- remember guys, no holds barred)
4 florescent overhead lights that hum
A rough chop of Similac (to aid in meth production)
16,000 books about burnout telling me that there is something wrong with me
1 question on the Licensure exam that says, “people more susceptible to burnout are those who are insecure and compulsive workoholics who are unfulfilled in their personal life”
1 group room smelling of burnt coffee
20 Sumo Wrestlers full of overwhelming suppressed anger and frustration
1 hypochondriac, neurotic Jew

Let's take a closer look at some of these ingredients. To do that, I'm going to structure this entry based on the Maslach book, The Truth About Burnout which describes organizational factors contributing to burnout. Unfortunately, all of these factors were present for me.

So, there are six issues that actually contribute to burnout. I'll start by discussing each of them and giving short and hopefully entertaining vignettes from my job (remember it's time to start externalizing and ripping others apart again). Let's start with the most basic of issues.

Work overload. Obviously, as social workers, we are expected to do too much. A. work is more intense, B. Work is more complex, C. Work demands more time, D. Work creates the exhaustion of overload. All of the above. What do you do when you are the only clinician in the office on a weekend morning expected to run 2 consecutive groups with about 10-15 people in them and are expected to take payments from people and be in a safe environment? You say, “I won't work unless you get someone to cover the front desk on Saturdays. This situation is totally dangerous and unethical. I've had angry, f-d up meth addicts yelling at me from outside while I had the door locked threatening to call the police”. And then I have my supervisor nonchalantly ask what the big deal is. I had a case load of 50 methamphetamine addicts and was expected to write 50 monthly reports to community providers. There was never a convenient form on the computer as we were promised, so we wrote them out. I pride myself on my sloppy handwriting and I'm not sure after 30 that anyone could read them anymore. Not my problem. I could go on, but we all know social workers are overworked.

Now, it depends on who you are whether you respond like a turtle or a rabbit. I tend to be the rabbit. BUT, won't work overtime. There are the turtles that work overtime and the rabbits that work overtime too. And even turtles who work normal time. All kinds of turtles are usually the ones that last the longest. The more of a slow and steady wins the race type of person you are, the more likely you are to not have a personal life (cause you don't care how long you stay at the office) or care if you didn't finish everything. Moreover, if you don't care about anything, you're totally great because then you recognize that your efforts don't produce any kind of result and you're cool with that (you're depressed, in other words. Low self-efficacy means depression). If that's the case, why do you have a job at all? Why do you have a life at all? Why are you a social worker if you don't want to make change? That would only be me after about 5 Xanax, and 6 beers and some Prozac (in other words, unconscious). Therefore, while you might take shit from management that you are not being productive (not likely because social work is not a competitive profession – well, I took shit from my manager about not being productive enough, but when I asked her what productive would have looked like, she couldn't answer- especially because I was busting out twice the work as everyone else). So, if you're a rabbit, want to be recognized for you ability to kick ass and you are an overachiever, you are fucked. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Lack of Control:

Well, let's talk about this shall we? When I was originally hired, I was asked to be a part of a development team (to my understanding) to head up a new division of the company (little did I know at the time, with a completely incompetent 275 pound bag of fertilizer boss). She was a turtle. And apparently I scared her because every time I said anything, she'd curl up in her hole, smile smugly and turn bright red. Whenever I made a suggestion I would get one of three responses. A. The smug smile with the bright red face and neck – this meant, shut the fuck up before I murder you- actually, I still don't know what that meant, but this was my best guess. And when I did shut up, later I would be told that I never opened my mouth in team meeting (ha that's funny, you hear how much I have to say) B. The devil's advocate: well, let me tell you all the reasons why that wouldn't work. Well, first off, the system as it is is non-functioning right now. Why not try a rule because it would be different. If it doesn't work, we could change it. But, blah blah blah. But, blah blah blah. Ever introduce you to the little man named, “shhhhhh”? “Shhh” “shhh”. This is power and sense of control right there. Nothing I said was ever considered.
Then, our supervisor would pretend to ask for suggestions, but she would never say what she thought. So to psyche us into thinking that we had some control, she would ask for feedback just to shoot everything down. So, should we talk? Because we probably don't want to be introduced to the little man named “shhh” again.
Other situations involving a sense of control were when I would lay down a rule only to find out it had been undermined by my supervisor. Like how someone came up with a positive (5day) UA for alcohol 2 days before graduation. No one told me that this test was not considered legally admissible, especially because my supervisor told me to use it. Then my supervisor told me that we couldn't use it because it wasn't legally admissible. Instead of offering to help though, she told me to handle it. I told her that it didn't look good because I already told my client one thing, now I'm telling him another. It would be easy for her to say something because it's coming from authority. She told me to handle it. This made me look like an asshole. Then, our clinical supervisor comes to a meeting and tells us that we need to pay attention to ETGs. I put my head on the desk. My supervisor tells me to go tell the client what I initially told him, that he needed to continue treatment. I told her finally, no fucking way (this was close to my leaving anyway), but told her it was her game, she needed to take accountability. Followed by the smug smile. So the answer to the question how much control? None.

Micromanagement- I have mentioned the spelling errors right? “My mother was an English teacher so, I'm really anal”, says my supervisor. She then proceeds to correct my spelling which was correct (with spelling that would be correct in a different context). When I approached her about this, she would tell me to make the corrections. Whatever Colombo.
Next, “ummm, you left this file sitting in your unlocked drawer” (I feel like I'm on Office Space). The whole fucking office is unlocked if you have a key and moreover, what the fuck are you doing going through my office drawers on my day off? What are you looking for Playboy? Stash of porn? Right, like I have time with all my back to back appointments. While you're at it check my computer, I'm sure I was spending one of my leisurely afternoons surfing the web for stomach stapling procedures. OH WAIT! That was you!

My favorite was the pleasure and pure joy on her face when thought she was able to “catch” me on something. Maybe we should call this manipulative micromanagement. But it always got back to bite her in the ass because I never did anything that wrong! Whenever she was looking for a file (this sort of fits in with not being fair), she would come to me and search my drawers or ask me first where the file was. If I didn't have it, she wouldn't believe me. Once she did this and we were looking for the file for three days. It was found, guess where... In her office! Yay! Back-slap bitch.

Insufficient Reward:
This is the last for tonight, cuz I tired.
Well, OBVIOUSLY, as being social workers, “you don't make any money” nananananna. Well, I always wanted to argue with this, because it's true that once you break the mold of the agency social worker, you can make money. But, making money at an agency would make a huge difference. If I were making 60,000 rather than barely 40, I would have put up with more (well, actually, I think it would have had to be 100,000 to deal with the shit at my agency). You know what's great about all you martyr social workers? Is that you talk yourselves into making no money, but you have no values either. You sell out to a profession that pays you shit to “put up” with stuff. Just cuz you have the ability to “put up” with it, doesn't make you any better than us who admit we are not getting paid enough period. Not that this is all about money. I would be happy to get paid 40 grand and work at a place where I believed was making a difference.

Moreover, what I REALLY hate is that I would get guilt tripped about this at work. When I put in my notice, I was offered another “title” at the agency with a promotion. Although this was never clarified to me, (that post will be entitled termination), I was originally told I would get a 10% salary increase. Well, that sounded pretty tempting. Then, two days later, I was told actually, that I wouldn't get any salary increase, I would just get clinical hours paid. I told them, no deal that wasn't in the agreement and was asked, “what is this about money?” Again, when I asked for a job description and salary requirements when they offered me a different position and never received it, I was told that I was too focused on money. This had nothing to do with money. You need to have something in writing in order to commit to it. Later, this offer was withdrawn to as a result of my “ambivalence”. What the fuck kind of shit is this? Who are you people? Tanya Harding's lawyers? Or better yet, Johnny Cochran . “That does not make sense, so you must acquit!”. Whoever they were, E-meter reading was a million, donation to Scientology was “all” and IQ was a 2.

Obviously, all these factors contribute to one losing joy in their work. If they are consistently being guilt tripped about their “greedy dispositions”, one tends to lose interest in their work. Moreover, if one looks out for their own being, like any normal person with boundaries, one is labeled with “problem behaviors”. Therefore, once again, you turtles, who pull into the shell and ignore, become passive, avoid conflict and don't try to stand up for yourselves are successful in staying at the job and conforming, being a “supportive” part of the agency, remember, you're selling out to the big man by docking yourself on a paycheck and being a fucking martyr. And, you will also lose the joy of work (just maybe differently than I did when joy was replaced with rage and frustration and loss), because you never had any joy in the first place.

Think about this. Just because your personality type is passive doesn't mean that you can't make a difference. Did you get into social work to perpetuate the problems or be a part of the solution?

More tomorrow, continuing with “breakdown of community”.

Channeling my Inner Sarah Connor

Basically, I want to explore a bit more the person nature of burnout. And you ask, how in god's name this could have anything to do with the chick from Terminator 2? The psycho real Sarah Connor (not the bullshit new one). Well, be patient, there's some background needed first.

I am beginning to understand why the I-Ching keeps repeating, “be present, endure”, don't push forward too quickly. In the future, creativity will arise and productivity will develop. In the meantime, let the universe mold itself around you. I am supposed to be still to understand more things about myself in order to figure out what needs to be changed.

I have been reading Pema Chodron, The Places that Scare me. I am in one of those places. Not in the transition (I do well with solitude and reflection), but in the anxiety and loss of my profession, $80,000 on an MSW, and watching people around me moving towards that goal and questioning why I'm not there. My best answer to this point has been, “I don't know”. I recently learned that I have had a strong mind-body connection. This means that I may be more likely to manifest physical symptoms that prevent me from doing things that I do not feel good about. Unlike Keanu Reeves in the Devil's Advocate (he just had a guilty conscience), I manifest physical symptoms (neck tension, anxiety) that can get so severe that I am forced to stop me from doing whatever it is that my body is reacting against. While this is good, in one respect, it forces me to pursue a career in which I fully believe.

Maybe the reason that I got to this point is that I am wasting my person and talent on a bullshit profession where no one is getting the real help they deserve. Or, maybe I am being forced to confront what it is that scares me the most and what actually caused my anxiety to reach the peak? Maybe I'm luckier than most. I'm more interested in the latter explanation because the first one is more a reactive statement and the second one is scarier.

When I was still working at my last job, I would lead groups on a person in their environment and how addictive genes are triggered. We would sometimes have lively discussions on why Betty became an alcoholic. “Oh, the Ford family used to drink in front of me all the time”, or “I hated drinking, I never touched the stuff because my family drank- then why am I here? Oh yea, I used meth instead”. Obviously, no one has ever come to an exact conclusion on how people become addicts, but we are in agreement that there is both a genetic and an environmental component to it all. So, this theory can apply to any issue that we may experience, or trait we may pick up in our lifetimes. Well, Aunt Nan used to be normal, but then her husband left her and she became OCD, washing her hands 50 times a day until they bled. Or, Danny always drank normally, but after he left his job, he started boozin' it up everyday. Or, I was always somewhat neurotic, but since I just abandoned a 6 year goal- re-evaluating my life, I have become even more neurotic.

Basically, we all have certain personality traits and when we encounter times of stress, we obviously regress to genetics to see how we will react to situations. For some people, that means that they throw a temper tantrum when someone pisses them off or throw their negativity on others. For some people, it means that they start sucking their thumb and playing with “banky” (didn't anyone have a blanket named Banky? Not that I have one, but I'm just saying) when they are scared. These behaviors become more pronounced in times of stress and can sometimes begin interfering with people's well being and lives (which is where the word “disorder” comes in) if the stress is severe enough.

Herein lies my problem. I am insecure, as previously discussed. My insecurities arise when people throw stuff at me that isn't mine. I take it on. I feel like I did something wrong, even if it has nothing to do with me. This is part of my personality as well- the extrovert tends to take on emotional responsibility for the group. I have always been like this, but recently this seems to be a consistent trend that I'm unable to deal with. Obviously, this was an issue at work. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to learn. So, Pema, in that case, let's bring it on!

My personality is to try and rectify a situation right away. I don't want to wait, I want to come to the table with stuff that's bothering me. If someone doesn't do the same, or if they get defensive, I take this very personally, like I did something wrong. How could I have better communicated? Obviously this type of thing drove me nuts at work and took it's toll. Personally, it's difficult as well. Well, people are not as direct as I am. (There is a time and place for tolerance of this. I did too much tolerance)

When something is unresolved and someone doesn't understand where I'm coming from, I have three choices. 1. be assertive, but walk away when things are unresolvable and “take the higher road”. Don't argue, just leave. 2. Walk off with my tail between my legs. 3. Go Sarah Connor on their ass and open fire with serious verbal gunfight). Everything in social work tells you to never go Sarah Connor on someone's ass, but I now believe that there is a serious underestimation of when this tactic should be used. Especially in social work. Sometimes you can't get through to someone by using the phony smile and not showing any emotion. Especially when you are working with real people.

*Quick story- I remember running a group with another clinician. He was extremely passive and we were supposed to role play. I was supposed to be the instigator and I tried to rile him up repeatedly. The clients even got pissed off and said, that's totally unrealistic. No one acts like that”. Well, this coming from a group of women in DV relationships, but seriously. NO ONE ACTS LIKE THAT. When we switched roles I tried to play the person who got angry, but was reasonable. Clients liked that because it was more realistic, but my colleague was not so enchanted with my performance. Well, he wasn't angry because that would be too much to ask, just confused. Eternally confused.

Righty ho, back to it then. I used tactic 1 repeatedly at work, which always for some reason felt like tactic 2. This is probably because when I was young, my dad was an attorney. So he argued until the bitter end and always had to have the last word, “last word freak”- Jack Nicholson (As Good as it Gets). If he didn't get the last word, he argued until he did. This was finality. So, you mumbled to yourself to make sure you got the last word. Well, this is really important to me too now, to have the last word. To win the argument or to show that you made your point. That you really showed that SOB whose more clever or who can cut deeper. Needing the clever response at the right time when you could really twist the knife and make your point to the heart. Do you remember when you made that comment and left someone speechless? When you said the perfect mean thing that they couldn't come back? It's like the best feeling, that you got back at them. It brings you pride, self-esteem and a feeling of achievement. You outsmarted that mother fucker.

I always admired this. I always worked this way. With people that really pissed me off, I told them off. Because they were unethical. I once worked at an agency that paid people with disabilities a dollar an hour to go through biomedical waste and did not require them to wear gloves. After one day on the job, I made a big stink about this and the boss told me that they chose not to. I told her, but it's up to you to mandate them. They also might choose not to wipe their butts, but they have to do that too. She said that she didn't operate like that. I told her it wasn't working and walked out.

So, in a sense, this is a verbal gunfight. Remember the scene in T2 where Sarah Connor stabs the doctor in the neck with the needle filled with Draino and says, “you're already dead, everyone dies you know I believe it so don't FUCK WITH ME!” Yea bitch. That's justice. You want that-everyone wants that. You want to see the person whose been making your life miserable understand what you're going through AND you want to come out on top and have them later on in life appreciating your cause. Sometimes Buddhist philosophy saying that we need to let go and remove ourselves, and even more, shine love on those who piss us off doesn't jibe with the thirst for justice. Some of my desire to be a social worker came from my need to serve justice. Maybe I really should be a lawyer.

Okay, so let's be realistic. Obviously, we can't all go out, spend 8 hours at the gym training, walk into work in a black tank top and army boots with a GATT and aviator shades and tell our supervisor to fuck herself bitch (and look totally hot doing it). First of all, taken out of context, it wouldn't make any sense. It would, in fact, not serve any justice to do that. But standing up and saying, “this place is a complete paradox and makes no sense, you guys are all telling bold face lies to everyone and no one has any idea who is in charge. There is no way any normal or capable worker could function in this type of environment. I'm out. 2 weeks notice”. If I could have left in this take charge kind of fashion, I would have a clear head. Where did my inner Sarah Connor go?

I didn't really think about this concept again until recently, when I got a call from a friend who I have purposely not spoken with in about 2 months. We got into a fight last June because I told him that he was acting too important for me (in so many words). He totally flew off the handle – disproportionate to my response and sent me a scathing email about how we should not longer be friends. I called him, and instead of responding by telling him that with such a controlling comment and such a disproportionate reaction I thought he was totally out of line and didn't want to be his friend, I came off as an emotional wreck that let someone else effect her so strongly. I showed him that his asinine behavior got to me, and even apologized for my own behavior (don't ask why), I didn't tell him off and I gave him the power.

Ever since then, he has treated me like a consolation prize, when he's got nothing better going on. I don't feel like I have time for this and have pretty much continued to take the higher road. He called me on Easter and wanted to hang out. When I texted him that I was busy and we'd hang out another time, I get a totally sarcastic cutting remark about how the fact that my text message was worthless. My new self is telling me to ignore. But my inner Sarah Connor is waiting with the machine gun, so pissed off that I'm not letting her shoot that it takes her a whole 24 hours to calm down enough. It's her fault that I've got liver blood deficiency. She's like, “god damn mother fucker, let me have him, let me have that son of a bitch.” and I'm like, “Sarah, you need to calm down honey.” She's like, “don't tell me to fucking calm down. That son of a bitch needs some fucking justice”. And I'm like, “walk away, take the higher road”. But, you know what? I like Sarah and god dammit, she needs justice. That fucker hurt my feelings and Sarah is protecting me. When I don't let her, I'm containing rage and holding hurt because he's playing on my insecurities. (My insecurities are that people don't really want to be around me, but they feel obligated to do so- not that much different from anyone else. We are all abandoned at some point in our lives by people who make a difference or we admire somehow and that hurts all the worse. However, I have better friends than most people I know and while my circle is small, it is intimate and I feel lucky that I have people to talk to about anything. People who are like family. This feels good). I don't put up with bullshit. I protect myself. So, when it slips in with the form of this comment, my impulse is to bust out the GATT. Instead, I blamed myself, stayed up all night ruminating, and made him feel bad for me, which resulted in me being the “submissive” one and now, I'm cutting him out rather than dealing with him. Again, what happened to Sarah? Where's the warrior?

Well, I'll tell you. In the past, I didn't have as much riding on my future. However, I've gotten toned down over the past few three. I've been in situations where I have had to swallow the shit going on around me for so long because I realized that I needed to “suck it up” in order to advance professionally. Or, at least everyone around me seemed satisfied and there were no rebels. Everyone was meek, mild and on Prozac. I got my degree without making too big of a stink about the bullshit at the school. I worked through repeated bullshit for a year and a half. I did make diplomatic criticism, and questioned rules and regulations. However, I didn't stand up and say, “enough”. I didn't stand up for myself. I was beaten down. I was submissive, I submitted to the plight of the Scientologist, the Mormon cult. I lost the battle. Wait, was I in battle? Yes. I was. I believe that life is a battle, wherein lies the power of Sarah Connor. And now that I've realized this, god dammit you mother fuckers better watch out!! Kidding- sort of.

In Toxic People, Lillian Glass endorses a more muted Sarah Connor approach. Speak your mind, use your words and fight back, don't let yourself be abused, be assertive and aggressive and don't be the victim. Hot Lillian. No wonder you were on Oprah. This is the ONLY social work type person I have ever heard to tell workers that it's okay to yell at your bosses and your job as long as you don't throw anything and don't call them any names. Using swear words is not off limits though (to make a point). Too bad I didn't read this book before I left my job. I could've left with a real bang and serve justice where justice was due. (Again, it's not like I was going to leave with a recommendation anyway. Apparently the company didn't do that).

Maybe I should become a vigilante. The undercover social worker traveling around the country anonymously and “serving” assholes left and write. You could write into the newspaper and tell me who you want served and I'll come up with the wittiest comment possibly that will really shut them up. And you can try it.

*A quick comment about this. I can't believe I'm actually using this movie as an example, but remember in You've Got Mail? Meg Ryan always feels bad because she can't think of the right thing to say to people. Tom Hanks counters that with that he always knows what to say to people and then he feels guilty about being too mean. I would much rather feel guilt that feeling regret, anxiety and should have. At this point, leaving, was a personal blow to me. I didn't teach them anything. I didn't show them a different way, I didn't stand up and fight the struggle against anyone. I put my tail between my legs and walked out with my head hung. I didn't get the last word. They didn't hear my mouthful which served them. I tried to work with them and was diplomatic and critical of the agency, but they were successful in their plan to defeat the person trying to differentiate from their codependent energy.

So, Sarah Connor is a symbol of strength that lives in all women. She is a symbol of the fighter, the hero, the ultimate underdog, fighting against everyone to prove she isn't crazy and to protect her son and of course, avoid a nuclear catastrophe. In archetypal terminology, she is the “crusader”
http://www.likesbooks.com/78.html.
“No shrinking violet, no distressed damsel, here. This lady is on a mission, and she marches right over anyone in her way. Tenacious and headstrong, she brushes off any opposition to her goal. Don't try to calm her down, and don't try to force her to take time off from her mission. If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem, and that makes you fair game.”
Morever, ever since the release of T2, Sarah Connor has represented that female archetype. Maybe because of tough times (at that time), she represented peace, a safe place I could go to escape arguments, and a way for my dad and I to bond. He would say, “look at those arms” and again talk up the rewards involved in fighting with tooth and nail for what you believe. Eventually, the underdog would succeed. So, there you have it. Sarah Connor is my avatar. And she's gorgeous.

Ultimately, everyone embodies some certain archetype and we can have a number of them in us. My mission is to be a crusader. I spit on the damsel in distress, roll my eyes at the nurturer (sometimes), love the free spirit (this is me too- but not in the context of this entry), feel like a Spunky Kid sometimes, hate the boss and admire the Survivor. The crusader is the toughest of the bunch. She recovers from everything, she can handle it and she handles it right. She busts out the GATT with her striated deltoids and protects the world from mass destruction. Still can't believe those muscles and the way she puffs on her cigarette. And still, there is a vulnerability to her that in undeniably. All this to me is something to aspire to, in personal and professional life. When we stifle our inner selves and put ourselves in situations where we lose touch with that inner self, we become the unknown person. The entity who is just existing without a purpose. There is enough uncertainty, enough Albert Camus existentialism in the world without adding the additional confusion of stifling and muting your inner voice. If we don't have that what do we have? And how long does it take us to build it back up?

My answer to that is to listen to Sarah. Fucking let her fight. Damn the consequences. If you are a fighter, then use your fighting spirit. Or get out of this profession. We have been told as social workers the importance of communicating. That doesn't mean sucking it up and being unrealistic ("no one talks like that"). As long as you don't “throw things” (or really bust out a GATT) like Lillian Glass says, you are a smart, educated individual and you can get another job. Moreover, it's totally great to say to your future employer, “I left my last job because I felt that they were enabling people in their addictions.” Then they prompt you to discuss that further and you can explain yourself. If you don't give your employer that mouthful you've been holding onto for so long, who will? Hold onto your values, so you don't get liver-blood deficiency or have a heart attack from too much stress. Advice from the one who was there.

For real, next time onto the Environment.

RECIPE FOR LIVER/BLOOD DEFICIENCY

275 lbs of “emotional clam”, hostile, jealous supervisor
3 oz of flat male clinician with no opinion
2 cups of skin picked off meth addict faces
1 teaspoon of the eye brows they plucked while tweaking
1 whole Subway sandwich with extra meatballs and cheese
2 pieces of string cheese, four apples for my supervisor's snack (if you eat healthy, you can have 2X as much- remember guys, no holds barred)
4 florescent overhead lights that hum
A rough chop of Similac (to aid in meth production)
16,000 books about burnout telling me that there is something wrong with me
1 question on the Licensure exam that says, “people more susceptible to burnout are those who are insecure and compulsive workoholics who are unfulfilled in their personal life”
1 group room smelling of burnt coffee
20 Sumo Wrestlers full of overwhelming suppressed anger and frustration
1 hypochondriac, neurotic Jew

This entry will be broken into three sections. I think it is important to address all three issues (Person, Environment and Person in the Environment) in categories to create some clarity for the newby who is trying to understand what causes burnout. What I have learned so far is that there is no clear ingredient that leads to it. Merely a conglomeration of factors that add up and push you over the edge. Sort of like an acupuncturist explains an allergy attack. Your body can only take so many allergens until the glass is full and the liquid seeps over and you start sneezing. Today, we will discuss the individual. (Don't worry, we'll get back to the recipe).

I recently went in for acupuncture treatment due to neck and shoulder tension that developed while I was working at my last job. While I have been off from work for a couple of months, let me tell you, burnout doesn't just disappear when you leave your job. I realize that I took on a lot more energy that I needed to while I was at work, but I have been working on letting it go. Sometimes, while your mind is ready to do that, your body isn't, so you need a little Chinese herbal magic. It works for everything else. Seriously, about five years ago, I had severe hay fever. I went to an acupuncturist who pressed on my forehead and put some vials labeled, “cat hair” and “cottonwood trees” filled with liquid in my hand, inserted the needles at various points on my body, made me itch and 6 weeks later, I didn't have allergies. Kid you not. So for those of you non-believers out there, Quidditch is real. So, my acupuncturist diagnosed me with liver blood deficiency. This sounds like some late stage alcoholism disease, which is what I thought initially, all those extra cocktails from the college years finally catching up with me. No, it's actually this ying imbalance that is caused by repeated emotional suppression namely anger and frustration. It's symptoms include heavy menstrual cycles (I'm sure all you guys out there are thrilled to find out about that, but really how may male social workers are there?), floaters in front of your eyes, extreme neck and shoulder tension and dizziness. All this, she could tell by looking at my tongue. Dude, I'm in the wrong profession.

Anyway, I was glad that someone had finally confirmed to me what I had been doing to myself all along. Moreover, this also confirmed that there was nothing wrong with me (that some Chinese Herbs and treatments weekly for about 6 weeks (and it's covered by insurance), but finally, some proof that Social work is not good for clinicians. The scary thing is that we continually subject ourselves to this torture until our bodies or minds finally don't allow us to do it anymore. This threshold of course can be different for some people. I've read about several people developing ulcers, having heart attacks- etc- from burnout. In the The Truth about Burnout, Maslach talks about the organization blaming the individual when really the problem lies in the structure. Moreover, while the organization thinks a quick fix would be to fire the individual or just take care of health problems as they arise, they don't take into account that if they just made a few small changes in business practice, they could save thousands of dollars in hospital bills for their employees. But that would be like asking Bush to Save Darfur rather than spending all the war money where it's really needed- in Iraq and Afghanistan. Organizations don't like to make changes. And so the problems continue and we have more and more unhealthy social workers. Have you seen any older healthy social workers in agencies? For the most part, they go to private practice so they don't have to deal with all this stuff. The older social workers you see in agencies tend to look something like the old lady on the anti smoking ad, except over weight. So, they sit smoking through their tracheotomy hole, with a brandy in the other hand and the carton of cigarettes next to them talking about their recent colonoscopy and masectomy. This sounds pretty dark, but there are a lot of workers out there like that. I know for one that I don't want to make it that far just to turn into that lady. I want to lead a healthy and productive life.

So, let me tell you a bit more about my suppressed anger in a structured way. First off, even if barely any literature or any professionals, because they are so god damn high and mighty, agree with me, I have determined that burnout is more of an environmental factor. That doesn't mean that my neuroticism doesn't contribute to burnout. Actually, let's talk about this for a minute. If you notice in my ingredients, I make two comments about personality types who are susceptible to burnout. First off, just because I'm Jewish, doesn't make me more likely to burnout. If that were the case, I'd have to start playing the culture card more often because we'd deserve special privileges. Jews are compulsive and more highly anxious people, we went through the Holocaust, therefore, you can't give us as high of a workload because we'll burnout. Well, technically, the Licensure board is pretty much saying that. Let's discuss. I was informed there is a question on the Licensure test that says, people susceptible to burnout are insecure. compulsive and unfulfilled in their personal lives. Way to go social work! That's the way to keep Jews in the profession! They might as well spell out Jews not allowed if they are talking about people who are compulsive and insecure. I knew antisemitism was still alive!

First off, anyone who is not insecure starting off in their profession should be kicked out. Great story about my supervisor. One time, she was doing this color wheel test and she passed it around the office to everyone. The color wheel was basically how you are feeling inside and how other people observe your behavior. Not necessarily the same as how you observe your behavior. (Just a note that social workers and helping professionals are supposed to be more self aware- it's what makes us good practitioners. In order to help others, we have to know how we come across.) She prints out and gives her profile to the whole office which was basically, “you are very insecure and come off as cold and emotionally unaffected to others”. I almost burst out laughing. She said, “I totally don't come off as cold, everyone thinks I'm warm and friendly” - I'm thinking like dolphins are warm and friendly on rye with some mayo (South Park reference). She continues in the next breath to say, “you come off as feeling you are superior by continually justifying your insecurities”. She's like, “this is totally way off, I never do any of these things”.

First, I took the test and it hit me dead on. I sent it out to a bunch of my friends and they all wrote back (people never respond to forwards) saying how eerie it was. Except for one of my friends who also has no self insight. My point is that if you say you aren't insecure, you are an idiot and shouldn't be in the helping profession. Obviously, we need to have confidence, but you build confidence by getting better at something and how do you get better at anything if you don't have a good teacher? I recently had a mentor say to me that she believed that the lack of feedback in schools and in agencies borders on abuse. Finally, someone is getting it. Insecurity also arises when there are enough assholes in denial saying that they aren't insecure (when they are the most insecure) telling people who say that they are insecure that they SHOULD BE insecure. Basically, what the social work board is promoting with the statement that insecure people are not fit to be social workers is that people who have no self-insight would be better social workers because they are not subject to burnout. The only people who burnout are people with serious issues.

Alright, it's time to really open up a can of whoop ass. Now, as far as social workers using the term “compulsive workoholics”, they don't know how to move faster than snails at the office. At all of my jobs, I have been called a “powerhouse”, a “hard worker”. But I am the last person not to take a day off if I'm not feeling well. I'm also the last person to feel guilty about cancelling appointments with clients if I'm sick. Workoholics are people that would rather be at work than at home. In my case, that would have been sadistic. I will work forty hours a week, but I will not work more than that- especially in the case of salary. I was also very responsible about taking and scheduling my time off, much to the chagrin of my lifeless coworkers. As I filled my weekends with trips and activities- anything to get me as far from the office as possible, my supervisor once confided in me, “my husband's out of town this weekend and our tv is broken. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself”. I sat there aghast. My supervisor spent more time at the office than I did. She would come in on weekends when her husband was out of town because she didn't know what to do with herself. Moreover, the other clinician would share every detail of his personal life and if his kids weren't going to be around for the weekend, he would work. “I'll come in on Sunday just to get some things wrapped up”. While I moved more at the pace of a rabbit at the office, I always got everything that I needed to get done, done during office hours. I never saw a need to work overtime. Last, working with people with disabilities, I worked sometimes almost 50 hours a week, but I got paid more and enjoyed what I was doing. Therefore, time zipped by. At this job, I counted the minutes until it was time to leave. (My last day at work, I was scheduled to leave at 3pm. My supervisor comes and puts a whole bunch of things that she just got to last minute and tells me she needs me to handle them and puts her coat on. I told her no way, I'm out. It's not like the agency would write me a letter of recommendation anyway. In fact, they said there was a policy against that. So, one and a half years out of my life of blood, sweat and tears and if a future employer contacts the agency, all they get to hear is when I worked there? Way to devalue people.) Bottom line, I would not call these the makings of a workoholic.

Last, anyone who is susceptible to burnout is unfulfilled in their personal life. WHAT? I was the only one with a personal life. In fact, I was the only one with a personality. The only thing that kept me going during the day was that I knew I could get home and blow my paycheck on going out to fancy dinners with friends, my family and my husband. Moreover, if anything, burnout of my job contributed to me not wanting to spend time around friends. In fact, I got so drained at work, I didn't want to be social and I also hated talking on the phone because I sounded so depressing. Everyone I knew was telling me to quit my job and all I would do was go around in circles about how I only a few months left. This is not the sign of someone unfulfilled in her personal life, but someone who got so burned out by her job that she didn't even want to surround herself with people who could help her out of it. I think this is a self fulfilling prophecy. A conspiracy by the LCSW to create burnout in a certain breed of people.

Now, there is no argument on my part that there is a certain type of person who is more susceptible to burnout. But, I don't think we are adequately able to describe them. The only thing we do know is that the only person who doesn't burnout is the trained scientologist. Scientologists aren't insecure because they know they are not gay and Matt Lauer is glib. Scientologists are not workoholics because they pay good money to make sure that other people do it for them and they also use the e-meter to do stress tests. Furthermore, they are not unfulfilled in their personal lives because they have Scientology. So, why doesn't the social work community just decide to breed a whole group of Stepford Wives. If there is already a “type” of person that they welcome into the community. They should just advertise for those people and let the people know what they are getting into beforehand. That way, we would know that we were getting into a profession that advertises “change” externally, but fears it internally and does everything they can to avoid it.

Tomorrow, onto the environment and maybe a bit more on the person.

Looney Tunes running the Psych Ward

Isn't that a great image? I see it now. Bugs saying, “what's up doc?” as the Road Runner raids the Ritalin cabinet and Wily has birds flying around his head after getting hit with an injection of Haldol.

Have any of you ever wondered what the ins and outs of a psych ward are? Maybe some had their internships in psych wards, or maybe some of you have just seen family members and friends in psych wards and gone for a visit. Regardless, ever since I was little, I was fascinated and knew that I wanted to know what was going on in there. I remember my family taking me to visit a second cousin in the hospital who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It was actually classic because she entered as a Jew and came out a Jew for Jesus. That's recovery. Anyway, there's a certain smell, the white coats, the doctors with the Zyprexa pens, my dad screaming, “WASH YOUR HANDS!”, that stuck with me. And apparently didn't leave as I decided that I wanted to experience the inpatient psych ward. Especially in a big city.

So, about 15 years later, I went to a big city and found out what it was all about. Hired as an intern in a city hospital (that meant we got to accept any freak off the street claiming he was psychotic or going to kill himself- usually he was just our local smart crack dealer who thought it was getting cold out and needed a place to sleep).

Side note about crack dealers. I lived in a neighborhood infested with crack dealers. Now, you might think this was dangerous. Well, actually, living in a crack dealing neighborhood is a win win situation for everyone involved and safer than living anywhere else. First off, crack dealers want to keep White people safe so there are no cops called. If anything happens on your block, crack dealers have to go to a different area. Things were great for me, because I got to know the crack dealers and let me tell you, not only are they good people to know if you ever get into trouble (one of my favorites used to run around with a flat razor in his cheek, “just in case”), but they are some of the smarter people I have ever met. My favorite local crack dealer, Country (he came from North Carolina) was 65 (looked like about 45- something about crack, he said, that preserves the skin) and God rest his soul if he is still around. One time, I was going for a run and Country saw me and yelled, “someone chasing you? Cause I got your back”. He couldn't fathom that anyone was running for the sake of running. But, this guy knew how to take care of himself. He was usually around in the summer time because it was pretty out, unless he got too drunk or agro on crack and got into trouble, but if it was cold in the wintertime, he was rarely out on the streets. And where do you think he went?

While I didn't see Country in my hospital, I saw many a crack dealer “hospital jumping”. Isn't it great to know what we are spending our tax dollars on. Actually, I feel better about spending tax money on giving Country (a character) a warm bed than any number of meth addicts, devoid of emotion and personality. Think about it. Who would you give tax money to? Someone who is able to figure out how to convince everyone they are crazy so they can have a warm bed and hot food and basically a hotel room in a pricey zip-code or a meth addict who repeated his phone number 6 times backwards. I am so mean. The benefit of having friends in the crack industry, is that I would get the scoop from patients. Basically, the key to hospital admission was geographic jumping. Upon being discharged from one hospital (supposedly going to a shelter), they would ask for a ride to a far away area of town where they claimed to have family. Instead, they would show up on the door steps of yet another city hospital which admitted them. And so the cycle went. I used to see clients walk through the doors up to 6 times during my 8 months at the hospital. Clever huh?

What really amazed me was when patients could actually convince staff to change the menu from chicken to roast beef a few times a week (no one else in the hospital got roast beef- serious persuasion). Don't even think those patients weren't running the unit. Obviously drugs and alcohol and cigarettes were banned in the psych ward (c'mon, the least you could do was give the poor people cigarettes). But this didn't deter anyone from smoking or smuggling alcohol, buffalo wings and serious party food in from outside residence visits. I wish I could have seen the night security tapes. Patients weren't sleeping all day because they were drugged up, they were partying all night. At least, that was my theory.

Anyway, life in the psych unit was fun (I learned some interesting things about how to make crack), it had it's downfalls too. On my third day at work, I remember a scene where 8 police officers were restraining one patient with a taser. The client tried to get away and they pounced – it took 8 cops to hold him down. Psychosis definitely creates superhuman strength. Sad thing is that the dude they restrained was really sick. He wasn't just trying to rebel. At 25, his 6'2 lanky frame would meander up and down the hallway with a goofy smile all day. He had a great hairdo that could have been on a (Jean Paul Gaultier runway) with toilet paper. His MO was to make lewd comments to women and subsequently get nailed with Haldol. When he made a lewd statement to me, I told him he was totally out of line and if he ever wanted me to talk to him again he better apologize and stop saying shit like that. After I put him in line, he was appropriate and even remembered my name. I even got him to go to a community meeting. At the meeting, sitting next to me, he tried to help me scratch my back (this was non-sexual and I was trying to scratch my back). I took his hand and placed it back on his person. The psychiatrists decided that he needed to learn a lesson, though, and injected him with Haldol. While I was initially angry and outraged by this, my outrage was quickly reversed when I found out, that it was protocol to medicate patients if they touched staff. While some of you are thinking, “some protocol Nurse Ratchet”, I felt safe. Even if that guy was harmless, there are other patients who aren't harmless and if they witness a patient getting punished for touching staff, it might deter them from doing so. SAFETY. Plus, apparently Haldol can be a cool drug- just ask the nurses!

So, now you get a good idea of the patient types. The “malingerer” (manipulator needing a place to sleep) and the true psychotic (who needed help and by the way, would stay there for a good 6 months-1 year because there were not community residence beds open. Speaking of tax payer's money).

So, let's talk about the staff. Well, first off, there's me, the crazy intern as you can tell, the two psychiatrists, three medical interns, 4 nurses, a few security people and 2 social workers and one office. My supervisor happened to be the social worker with no teeth (she'd take out her dentures to brush them at team meeting every so often) and she had been at the hospital for 15 years. While she definitely had a vast amount of information to share, she was a bit jaded. She either loved clients, “you pooor thing” or hated them and called them “fucking assholes” in staff meeting. Like I said, this was a breath of fresh air for me who had been stuck in classrooms where teachers found a new synonym every day for African American that was apparently more PC. They spent more time coming up with the synonyms than they did making a point. Therefore it was nice when someone could convey a point in one sentence with, “he is a fucking manipulative piece of shit”. Well, there's one looney tunes for you- in a good way. She was kind of like Tweetie Bird. She even hummed hymns sometimes in the morning- it was cute. Gotta tell you that once again, I tend to respect and learn from the craziest of the bunch. I remember her giving me the most amazing feedback one day after she observed me run group. She said to me, “sometimes, I want to smack you and just tell you to say straight up what you mean instead of going around in circles and trying to be so nice”. This has stuck with me until this day and I think probably contributes to my no bullshit approach to therapy.

So, there you have it. Life on the psych ward. Supervisors with no teeth, doctors sedating patients so they wouldn't bother them, nurses giving each other drugs out of the cabinet and me. The sad thing about psych wards, is that they are actually set up to help the non-crazy who don't want to get better and just drug the patients who really need help. So, in this case, the looney tunes running the hospital works to perpetuate the problem of recidivism and doesn't really help anyone get better. It just serves as the interim for the people who are smart enough to figure out how to access it. The crazy people don't want to be there. But at least the clients aren't actually run the unit. It is made very clear repetitively, that while they clients have their underground life, it is the staff that control what happens on the unit and the fate of the patient. If the patient doesn't cooperate, there are consequences which are enforced. There are also unit rules clearly displayed on the walls and they are clearly referred to during every community meeting. Of course clients complain, that's what community meetings were for. But just because they complained didn't mean that all their complaints were taken to the review board. In other words, the clients didn't run the unit, the staff did. While there was definitely crazy making at this job, at least the purpose and power dynamics were certain and clear.

*[A quick note on my use of the word crazy. I remember seeing an episode of Oprah several years ago on mood disorders. They had a laundry list of ridiculous words for “crazy folks”, which included, “cuckoo, wacky, loony, psycho”... you know. Again, when people label themselves, it's ok (like you can use the word “retarded” in front of a retard, but you can't call a retard “retarded”). But we can't be calling people “you fucking cuckoo psycho” to their faces. It's not nice. So, as far as labels, having worked with people who are less neurotic than I am, I think I'm entitled to throw a little crazy their way, especially because I call myself crazy too. You see, if you are any minority, or any label, it's okay for you to use the label as long as you feel comfortable calling yourself that label. So, it wasn't okay when Don Imus called women basketball players, “nappy headed hos”, but it was okay when Paris Hilton used the “n” word. Wait, what?]

So, in the case of my more recent job, the case was similar, except, as I stated before, the big man was a bottom. When people get mandated to drug treatment, this is sort of intervention. Their PO tells them to go to treatment or go to jail. When they get an assessment, it is decided by the clinician whether they are fit for outpatient or inpatient treatment (we had both within agency). So the problem is that the word, “intervention” was not in our vernacular because it was considered, “too harsh”. So, if you call an addict on their behavior, they will get defensive. But you don't necessarily anticipate other clinicians to defend clients. There are two reasons that clinicians would defend clients. 1. because they are just plain stupid, and I'm really hoping this isn't the case, or 2. They're thinking big picture and have every reason to.

1.The agency loses money if you refer a client out. Most likely, clients who are in your program for a long period of time without progressing continue coming because your program is enabling them to continue their current life style of drinking or using. As long as they stay in treatment, the organization gets paid. As long as “minimal requirements” are met on a monthly review, community providers (PO or child services worker) allow their behavior to continue. Minimal requirements are determined by clinician and obviously vary depending upon clinicians preference and personality. In my opinion, minimum requirements for someone whose been in treatment for a year isn't good enough. Especially if there has been no improvement, it means treatment is not working. So natural inclination tells me to up the ante. So, it's in the agency's best interest never to create any program rules or specify what kind of clients they treat.

[One example of this would be with the “chronic patient”, usually someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, with state insurance. This means they latch onto an agency and have services at about 6 different places. While there is a special type of therapy that treats BPD, usually independent agencies are a dream for this client type. So, Borderlines tend to be extremely intelligent (even though they think they can read your mind and know everything you're thinking- often they do hee hee) and know how to get a reaction out of clinicians because they've been in treatment for longer than you've been alive. While they can be frustrating to work with, in the right setting, I love this client, because you can lay down the law with them and watch them throw temper tantrums.

One time I told a BPD that I couldn't see her because she was an hour early, she screamed and I closed the door. She stormed outside the clinic in the rain chain-smoking for an hour and ended up getting a cold. Not my problem. This is called DBT. If you want to do treatment, you follow the rules. You don't make up your own. You already showed where making up your own rules got you- jail, your kid taken away, and 2 years of drug treatment (and a really bad Pat Benatar obsession – has anyone else noticed the connection between Borderline clients and Pat Benatar?)! This may seem harsh, but this is the only way they get better, Evidence Based Practice baby. Now, if it were up to the agency, if you're not with a client, you see the client whenever, because state insurance pays for her unlimited treatment. Regardless of whether she only has one hour a week, never does her homework and comes to group doped out on Thorazine and other sedatives, you let her in the door and bill her. Statistically, Borderline clients are over-served in agencies that continue to enable their attention seeking behavior.]

2.If you piss off a client, you create conflict: what if the client pursues legal action? Well, if the meth addict (very rare, but it does happen) has it together enough to actually follow through with the “identity theft charges” and you are really wrong when you assume they are using because they refuse to stop working graveyard (also a rare occurrence), and keeps it together for long enough to file suit against the agency, good for them! That would be a great tv movie starring Meredith Baxter Birney, Judith Light and Alan Thicke. If it does happen, recourse is to blame the person making noise about the issue.

3.Why make more work for anyone? Making rules and following them takes work. Plus, enforcing them is a whole other issue. Instead, just wait until something happens and leave it upon the clinicians to handle it. Then, you'll figure it out.

So, what does this mean? Well a couple implications. First, if supervisors are trying to avoid conflict with clients and avoid change (to avoid work), it's easier to undermine different clinicians. When supervisors believe clients over their clinicians, addict behavior is enabled. It's awesome how a meth addict can get into 5 car accidents a week on her way to treatment, have no dents on her car and even more interesting how a supervisor buys into it! So, as it is enforced that we are to take clients words as the gospel, the result is that addicts end up running the treatment center! Just like looney tunes ends up running the psych ward. So, here we are, a drug treatment center, enabling drug behavior.

As I may have mentioned before, the one thing that made me remove myself from the agency was a friend/mentor, person outside of the profession, who told me that I sounded like an abused woman. Get out while you can. This was a person in recovery from alcohol for numerous years. She called this situation codependent. The codependent works to enable addict behavior.

On a larger level, the addict was the agency. Everyday, I came to work wondering what to expect. Some days, I felt confident, only to have reality crash down the next when someone undermines your efforts, and reinforces the clients behaviors (trust in the client because they are always right).

“A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people.” Wikipedia

So, at first, I was reluctant to accept that I was actually the enabler. Wait, I'm not doing anything for this agency. My supervisor even told me in so many words at the end of my employment that she valued, not my person, but my work (nice isn't it?). How did I enable an agency that I fought tooth and nail? Well, I stayed for a year and half, continuing to overwork, and take on the responsibilities of a faltering program and other people not doing their jobs. While my supervisor sat in her back office, surfing the web about diets and eating whole meatball and cheese Subway sandwiches (which Jared did not eat, honey, sorry to inform you), I busted out double the numbers and double the money (individuals and groups) compared to both my supervisor and the other clinician in our setting. Now, if it's an anxious person that promotes trying harder when they are not recognized, then I don't think that' a bad trait. In fact, I think it's a good one because in a normal world, and always before in my life, it has worked and people acknowledge that you did a good job. Then you feel good and you don't have to work as hard to prove yourself over and over.

So, why didn't I leave? Instead of complaining, why didn't I get out before crashing to the ground. I'm sure this question is getting repetitive, but I keep asking myself everyday. One has to know, persay, “when to fold 'em”. While I was wondering what was wrong with the agency, no one else around me seemed to see anything wrong with it (or if they did as I noted, they left). And the last place you'd expect to find codependence is in an substance abuse program that's supposedly trying to reduce social problems related to drug and alcohol addictions. This is great because it's just what codependents do. They get sucked in and if they stand up against the crazy making, they are blamed and labelled the crazy one. Isn't it ironic? Dont'cha think?
Sorry Alanis.

More from Wikipedia:
“The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount.”

Oprah recently talked about the “vampire” or energy sucking person- a good description of both my supervisor and the agency and another reason to talk about Oprah. Obviously, an agency that isn't functioning properly creates emotional turmoil. We didn't have good office space, I was isolated from everyone else and we didn't have an appropriate setting to be treating the population we were treating. Moreover, of course they were having financial difficulties, which is where I came in because I was the highest grossing product in that portion of the agency.

Last, addictions to old behaviors- addict behaviors. You know the term dry drunk? People who are clean and sober, but continue to display addict behaviors, like hanging out at bars, spending all their money, working graveyard shift... Well, my supervisor would say things like, “oh I think you're being too hard on her. Give them another chance”. Me give them another chance? They're already here on the their last! They were thrown out of their house, arrested and their PO says go to treatment or go to jail, and I am supposed to give them another chance? This is classic enabling. Which means preventing recovery at a recovery agency! HAHAHAH. It gets even funnier!

“The "codependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.”

That's me. I controlled because no one else would- did twice the work. I made excuses for the agency at home when my partner told me the job was affecting our relationship. Check- I took action to perpetuate the needy party's condition, even though my intentions were to do the opposite. I wanted to be recognized because I put so much energy into my work. Doing the work was difficult and highly emotional for me and I needed reinforcement, telling me I did a good job. I also wanted to get what I needed- my actions were self driven. I needed to finish my training hours to get an license. I was headed towards a goal. Too bad that my intentions accomplished exactly the opposite of my goal.

One of my friends said to me that the only way that social workers would be able to really change is if they all realize that this is a problem and refuse to engage in it. Problem is, that if we got ourselves into this god forsaken profession, we have to pay our bills. Maybe we should go on strike like the writers and refuse to come into work until they agree to make a change in administration. Problem here is that most social workers are the martyr type and would feel guilty about leaving their clients out to dry. Oh that's so sweet! Your husband is yelling at you that you're ruining your relationship and you have no personal or social life, but your clients need you. Get a life guys! If you want to believe this, you are just as bad as the corporate American businessman, think Michael Douglas Wall Street, who has no regard for the personal. Everything is business. Just cause we try to help people does not make it any better that we spend all our time and energy doing it at the sacrifice of everything else in our lives.