Train-wreck

Lack of control and letting go can be a peaceful thought, in terms of the fact that we are all interconnected and we are just along for the ride. The universe with show us where to go when we lack direction- I have faith that it will. In terms of finding a career, having faith that things will happen as they should. This is comforting to me. However, to others, it may seem overwhelming or scary in the sense that they have no control. Control is overrated anyway.

What I want to know is how a person who never thought that “having control” was always the answer, turned into someone who got so caught up in having control?

Obviously, there is a fine line between having a “cause”, “being on a mission” and becoming obsessed to change something that isn't yours to change. What's really scary is that all the people who have actually created change have been mostly hated by others, if not killed. People who have induced change and been heroes have to experience the ultimate sacrifice (if not death) to get their point across. Aren't these really the ultimate caretakers? They are people “taking the blow” for the greater good of humanity. What you think Gandhi really wanted to die for himself? You think he said to himself, “you know, I'm just not feeling like eating because this dahl is giving me diarrhea”. No, Gandhi fasted because it was for the “good” of his people. You think that MLK thought, “Today, I think I'll piss everyone off enough with my non-violence that I'll get shot”. No. These are not conscious decisions. But great world leaders and people who have the ability to make change often take this “martyr” approach. NOT in a negative sense.

The official definition of a martyr is not a bad thing, (I just like to use it in the context of people who like to be martyrs in the sense that they take care of everyone but themselves). Webster's has three definitions: 1. “a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle”2. a person who voluntarily suffers death as the penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion, 3. victim; especially : a great or constant sufferer.

The first two definitions are fine- of course there was Jesus, the ultimate martyr. I mean, the dude could walk on water and turn water into wine but he couldn't do something to escape the crucifixion? Not only that, but even David Blaine could have gotten himself out of that one. Hmmm. So, he died on purpose to prove a point- refused to renounce his religious principles. And look where he is today!

The second definition I have already discussed. People who make sacrifices “for the greater good” of the people or to stick to their principles. No issue here either- I feel I am mostly one of these people. I make personal sacrifices to try and make a point. This is not always for the greater good, but, this is what I think I'm doing. In my last job, I was being totally selfish in staying and being overly dedicated to a purpose that wasn't fitting or working. So, escaping would have been more important that struggling and trying to change it.

The third definition, or the victim is the person that I have trouble with and that brings about a more negative connotation for me.

Why? Because this person is someone who suffers repeatedly by choice. My belief again is that there is suffering in the world and we can either wallow in it and feel bad about it, or realize it and work as hard as we can to make the biggest difference that we can and leave our mark. Stand up for who we are and what we believe. This will be met by struggle of course (we are not all so important that we will be killed if we stand up for our beliefs), but at least we did something. At least we didn't just sit there and complain all the time.

Webster's definition cracks me up because it reminds me of that guy in the movie Sleepless in Seattle that Meg Ryan was going to marry, but ended up leaving him for Tom Hanks. The dude with chronic asthma who was so OCD that he couldn't try anything. He was a victim to his “asthma” and allergies, when really all he needed to do was take some medications and loosen up. African Americans have been oppressed for years, but those of them who play the victim card piss me off too. Those who play the race card when they are not getting what they want aren't effective. Whereas, black people who work hard, are aware of oppressive forces still in play, talk about them and address them, but persist anyway are much more respectful. Or people with disabilities who give up because they are in a wheelchair- yeah dude, you've got problems, but here ya are. You can feel bad for yourself or you can work around the obstacles to move forward and leave your mark in a different way. I'm not saying that all these people need to become world renowned change agents, but at the very least, they can work around their obstacles.

So, as you pay attention to your patterns and what you do, you become more aware of things every day. I learned something very important about myself last night. A friend was telling me about some of the tendencies that I have towards black and white. Everything is either black or white, there's no gray area. Well, even though I'm always thinking about the gray areas (hence the anxiety), and wondering about what's going to happen. Usually, when I involve myself in other peoples' affairs, including friends, I'm very black and white.

I'll explain. This is more related to the vortex of help. Once I get sucked in, there I go and it's usually impossible to pull me out before I have started to become vaguely reminiscent of Amy Winehouse (just a train-wreck like her, not actually with all the drugs... never mind). But you get the picture, a totally train-wreck- like Britney (except without the bipolar), or Lindsey (without the coke). I'm spiraling towards disaster, but no one can actually stop me until I'm freaking out and obsessing about what's wrong with that person and why did they do that and it must have something to do with something that I did! I just don't flash my chocha in public. Now, as I mentioned before, often my train-wreck happens and then other people actually do what I thought was best for them. So, I manipulate people into taking care of themselves. Actually, this it totally brilliant, except for the train-wreck part. So, my goal is to avoid the train-wreck part.

So, when I notice that someone is doing something that I feel is a “bad decision” or them sacrificing themselves for no reason or just being a victim in some sense, I intervene in a very clever way. I give them my feedback and then I remove myself. Because this is the only way to keep myself safe from getting overly emotionally involved in their situation.

Examples, I can think about ever since friends in college. One of my best friends who I grew up was getting married to a man who was 17 years older than her and moving to Spain. Naturally, all of her close friends were concerned regardless- this is a big step after all. However, she would always talk to me about all her future husband's issues, including how he wouldn't let her have her own email address and that he read all her emails because he didn't trust her or something. So, instead of talking about this behind her back (like most of us were- I won't say that I didn't do that too... ), I addressed this with her.

I basically said, “I think you are a beautiful person and I hope he's good enough for you. Also, I want you to make sure that you don't give up your own freedom and that you maintain your sense of self”. She took this well when I said it, but then turned around and talked to all of our friends (who came to me about it) about how I told her that he wasn't good looking enough for her. Whatever dude. We straightened this whole thing out, but, this is a perfect example of my tendency to “make sure” that people I care about are taking care of themselves. This was one situation where I didn't get over-involved and become a train-wreck. After she made the decision, I ended up being the only person who would still hang out with her and her husband (whereas all my other friends have unspoken issues with him) because I knew where she was coming from about it. It's not like he's beating her up or anything. She's made the choice to be with him and that's no longer my problem.

Another example. Yesterday, I was hanging out with one of my best friends who has been on and off dating this dude who is way younger than her. Bottom line, he's got some substance abuse issues, she's gotten some DUIIs and is currently sober. The only addiction she hasn't give up is him. She is even aware of this. She talks about how bad he makes her feel and how he doesn't take precaution when around her. He smokes pot in her house, when she's on probation and she does nothing to stop it, besides talking to me about it. So, finally, while I am a good listener, I was done. If he was around, I wouldn't be. She wondered what my issue was with him and I explained, I have absolutely no problem with him, I have a problem with the fact that you could get your ass thrown back in jail and ruin everything that you've worked to rebuild just because of that mother fucker. She is understanding of this and no longer hangs around him with me and him together. She has even said that she no longer stays with him when she visits him and gets a hotel room. She has thanked me for saying something because she never really thought about that. I have gotten pretty pissed off at her for things that she drops because of this guy though. If he comes into town, all her obligations are forgotten and just because she's not drinking, she stays up until the wee hours of the morn partying with him and his friends. So, here I am obsessing and getting over involved in other peoples' problems. So, while I can listen to her bitch about him, the line is that I don't have to be with her and her decision to be with him. If she wants to do that to herself, I want to have no involvement in it. Because I can't handle people not taking care of themselves and if I were there, I would just get worked up.

Moreover, in the example of my mom in the last entry, I got over invested in my opinion about the situation. You ask my opinion, you're going to get it. So, I'm stuck. I don't know how to remove myself emotionally, while also being supportive of someone. Instead, I have to bow out completely. So it is black and white. I have to either avoid, or get over invested. In this case, it becomes manipulative (on her end) because telling her I think her realtor is stupid and taking advantage of her, and that I don't want to hear anything about what her realtor did because it's too upsetting is manipulative. Because it crosses out that topic of conversation entirely. Now is that good or bad? I don't know. While I felt backing out entirely was a good thing, my friend reminded me, “she's your mom, don't be too hard on her, she's having a hard time and she needs you”.

I'm not sure what the cure is. When we approach life being educated and passionate, it is almost impossible to stay “uninvolved” or “unemotional” about things. It's difficult to remain objective when you see people you love making poor decisions or when you see Chelsea Handler adopting midgets. Actually, no that's just funny. No, you find it difficult when your friends or your family make bad choices. My question, though is if I become so over-involved and turn into a train-wreck, then why is it that these people all tell me stuff- personal stuff? In my opinion it's because they know I'm going to get involved. But, I don't know if that's it. Feedback from loved ones on this issue is that “you listen”. So, just because I listen, that means that I'm not expected to throw an opinion your way? I don't think so. I think people know me well enough that I'm going to throw an opinion your way.

So the question arises again. How is it, then being the person that I am, that I can remain separated from an issue without it appearing manipulative to the other party? How can I get involved without getting “Swept Away” like that bad Madonna movie.