So, I got sucked in again. On my last week of successes and follow through, I got sucked into some drama and wasted two days of energy on a useless task. At least so I felt this morning, before the outcome came about. Now, I feel good about myself. That's a problem.
Okay, so a bit of history... My mom decided she was going to sell her house. This was distressing for her as she has been depressed and has a difficult time making a decision. Any decision she makes, she usually ends up being depressed and ruminating about how she should have made another decision. Therefore, she has put herself in a position in the past several years to not make any particularly big decisions, any decisions at all for that matter.
As I have learned that when you are anxious, you must put yourself out there and do things, otherwise you might end up depressed. Many people avoid everything when they are anxious. Instead, I made an effort to through myself through that and confront. Even if I am anxious, I have to push through it and continue to do what I do. You can't live your life in fear. But, of course, not everyone is quite as “enlightened” as I am. HA. So that's what I'm here for, to teach others right? Share my vast knowledge. I am totally kidding, but not entirely. We are all here to share our opinions- they're like assholes, everyone's got one right? Some are just "better" than others. Mine happen to be better. HA.
Anyway, she finally made this decision to put her house on the market. Her house is a gem. It's beautiful and something that she has spent 40 years in. Despite her requests asking me for help with selling her house, I told her that I didn't want to hear anything about it until she acted. I didn't need a play by play, and whenever she talked about it, she would just go back and forth about what she was going to do. This was my way of trying to separate myself from anxious family dynamics- aka Bowen Family Theory.
Finally she put it on the market. I was shocked, to say the least that she did it, but happy because separating herself from the house seemed a good way to help her pick herself up and move forward. Get out of the depression. However, her mental state was not good when she actually received an offer. She was freaking out, couldn't complete a sentence. She was having serious stress attacks. She couldn't make a rational decision, couldn't complete a sentence and couldn't remember stuff.
I still didn't really want to get involved because I felt it was actually her decision. But when she asked me to come to the final sale where she would accept an offer, I would, of course, be there for her. Well, it turns out that the person that was actually making the offer was a neighbor that my mom resented for legitimate reasons. Being stuck in fear, she never said anything to him because she was too worried about what would happen. Oh, maybe he'd sue her if she said something. Anyway, given my headstrong personality, I put in my two cents worth that if she sold to this person, she would be kicking herself forever. The realtor (who was, in my opinion, totally unprofessional and way over emotionally invested in her client- aren't you supposed to be supportive of your client's decisions? She also tried to show my mom all these properties that she didn't want to see but I digress) was telling her it's just business, and she couldn't pass up an offer like that. But she doesn't know my mom that she would sit around kicking herself for the next 20 years because she couldn't live with that person in her house. It was necessary for my mom to stand up for herself and for her feelings. The realtor was totally out of line and continued to push saying that she needed to keep emotions out of it. Well, you know what? Emotions should not be out of it. Plus, it was emotional for her and any normal realtor would have been respectful of that. Instead, the realtor started trying to force her to accept the offer because it was the best offer.
Anyway, I digress, but I got involved and instead of keeping my big mouth shut, I jumped in and told my mom what to do, trying to protect her because I didn't think she would protect herself. Which certainly she did not. But, why is that my problem? Well, I have to be honest and say that I have a personal investment in the house, given that I grew up in it. But I already addressed that with my mom and said it was emotional for me as well. I also felt it was the right thing to sell, but you sell to who you want to sell to. You, as the buyer are in control and no one else is. If someone tries to make you feel bad about that, you fire them! Don't put up with that shit.
Here, you see my forte, my talent. I have a professional and personal nack for advocating for people who are being taken advantage of. I try to teach them by modeling how they should stand up for themselves. Why? Well, because I'm the helper, the care taker, the fucking social worker. When I actually give a shit, or have some personal investment in a person, I get totally sucked into their drama. I guess you could call me the “rescuer”. Well, there's some insight for ya. Isn't that a god damn laugh.
Note: The difference between me and other social worker personality types is that I don't sacrifice myself to take care of others. I am extremely selfish and self-centered and must take care of myself health wise, eating wise, and shopping wise. I am very high maintenance. But, I do it in a different way, I help by modeling. I try to show people how to do things. I behave a certain way in situations and stand up for people because they won't. They like the way that I handle things and learn from it. I point out the flaws in a situation and call people on it. I like being the objective person in the situation and calling people on their dynamics. But then I go a step too far and have a tendency to take over what they “should” be doing (if they're not doing it right). It's great because I'm the care taker, but the sick part is that it works really well. I'll explain in a minute.
So, I help people who don't take care of themselves to take care of themselves. My style is very take charge and I can get mean as hell. When people don't listen, I start barking orders at them and being manipulative so I can get them to do what I want. Well, now you know all my secrets. But, it works for me and it helps other people. The only part I'm going to change is when I get into the pattern of repeating and getting sucked into the vortex. If someone is not ready to help themselves, you can't do a god damn thing for them. That's what happened. I couldn't handle the depression cycle of not being able to make a decision and knowing about the guilt involved in depression, I decided that I needed to intervene.
So, I finally had to set a limit with my mom and needed help to do it. (Someone close to me informed me that watching me in the day long vortex reminded them of me in my last job. Isn't that amusing?) Ultimately, I ended up intervening and telling her that she was not in a rational state of mind (she hadn't even talked to a financial advisor about a budget for a new home and hadn't even looked at apartments, so was completely unprepared to sell her house of 40 years) to make a huge decision and that first she needed to get help (psychological). I also told her that I refused to be involved any more.
With this advice and my backing out, she ended up making the right decision and not selling the house because she wasn't ready. Now, suddenly, she's taking the necessary steps to get prepared before jumping to action. Which is exactly what I told her to do.
So herein lies my problem. In my personal life, people listen to me and end up making the best decisions for themselves ultimately. It's a fucking gift and a curse. It makes me feel unbelievably good that my advice is the right advice (and makes me feel powerful and good about myself) despite all the resistance that I get. But I yell and fight with people, and when they finally listen to me, they actually benefit and feel good about themselves. Then I feel good about myself.
The downside is that I'm the fucking caretaker. And I'm on a high about it. It seems to be beneficial in some respects. However, not all situations are able to be remedied. Like my last job. I seem to think that if I stick to something long enough, I'll be able to cure any fucked up situation or solve any problem. But, realistically, I don't have that power, no one does. We all mind fuck ourselves into thinking we have control. The Buddhist need is right; we need to relinquish some control and remember that none of us really have it, even though we are under the illusion we do. There is huge power in that recognition. This recognition is empowering.
Regardless, we have pieces of our life where we do have control. We tend to cling to those things because it makes us feel good about ourselves. It makes us feel powerful, effective and useful. God dammit, that isn't just me, it's anyone! Why do people do what they are good at? Because they get recognition and in that comes control.
Back to my insight about getting sucked into other peoples' vortex. Maybe this is why I'm supposed to be in disability services. Because I experience this level of frustration with people and I get so invested in them doing better, that eventually they do. They listen to me or look up to me or something. Maybe they don't like it when I get frustrated! Maybe I'm scary. HAHA. I have some sort of effect on people that makes them want to be motivated or to achieve. Being this driven is once again a gift and a curse. It's helpful to others and to myself because I feel good when I'm persistent and it pays off. It's who I am.
This is not to be a narcissistic bitch, just simply to speak the truth. I am really proud of myself right now. It turns out that my intervention actually helped someone feel good about herself. So maybe the vortex wasn't a total waste. Maybe it was? I don't know. I just know that I get sucked into it and won't get out until I get that gratification on the other side! Problem is, that gratification is not always there. It's elusive in some situations, like my last job. Maybe I do have a God complex?. No, I don't think I'm always right, I just think that when I'm really god damn sure I'm right, I make it known and people listen. Then there is benefit for everyone.
I may sound like I'm contradicting myself. But I think we should take advantage of situations where we feel we have control and let go when the situation is too difficult. Just because you practice Buddhism doesn't mean that you have to completely disengage from life. Just means that you don't always have the be the care taker. Also, always remember to be objective and not get sucked into someone else's emotional vortex- be it family or whoever else.
Outro-
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