Whoever said that all gay men are more sensitive has not been around that many gay men. They are probably thinking about the stereotypical 90s version of the gay man- well dressed, metro-sexual looking, well-versed in classical music, art and well-coiffed with the short flip Friends haircut that could not be more perfect if were drawn. Well, since then, the typical “gay male” has expanded somewhat kids. Look around.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a gay male, so I don't claim to be an expert on “gay types”, but I watched a little Will and Grace and have enough friends, so this is where my types list comes from. (I like the disclaimer thing. So just cause I already used it, doesn't mean I can't use it again).
1.Chelsea boys- So, these are the closest types to the stereotypical gay male. Well dressed in head to toe Marc Jacobs or Kenneth Cole, have great jobs and have luxury apartments in Chelsea with their “partners”. These men tend to be more monogamous than others (at least appear to be according to my sources) and sometimes come with an accessory, or as gay men like to call them, “fag hags”, the female who can't get enough of them.
2.The Flamer- This is the gay male who is stereotypical and MORE. He not only happens to conform to the stereotype, but embraces it with a passion. He speaks with an affected British style lisp and has effeminate gestures, tossing his head and hair wildly when he talks. He usually majors in Art History and is involved in the Art world, either as a curator. Usually, these men don't become artists, just like to talk about it.
3.The gym boy narcissists- These are the men who go out to the gym to meet potential mates. They walk around with the idle drop of sweat on their brow, muscles glistening like a body builder, pretending that they aren't staring at themselves in the mirrors. These men are usually way too big, in the sense that they look completely out of proportion, their upper bodies huge, biceps bigger than my head, while their legs appear skinny and disconnected from the rest of them. These men usually have multiple sexual partners, as long as they come in uniforms and are sugar-daddy types. Their relationships usually consist of going to the gym, then going out to dinner, shoving food down as quick as possible so as not to have to carry on a conversation and then going back to his place for a quickie. Everything with these guys is quick, jerky and about them. Their dinner out is more about being seen together as eye candy rather than being together or spending time.
4.The Gay Republicans- usually some crossover between the gym boys and these guys. Although, these ones are not always obvious. Even people with extremely keen gaydar can't necessarily tell the Gay Republican from a straight dude, unless the Gay Republican puts out gaydar. This is a very confusing issue and I'm not sure even gay men get it. These are the men that are often fucking “straight men” who are married with kids, but can't seem to “stop thinking about the “gay republican's bubble butt”. Note - flamers usually hate gay republicans. These men, as it seems evident by their title, are not necessarily sensitive.
5.The movie gay men like in Brokeback mountain – do these men really exist? I don't think so.
6.Priests- they all say they don't do it, but it's been going on in the Catholic church since it's beginnings, not to mention before that- did anyone see the Name of the Rose?
I do want to say that these categories are not 100% definite and there can always be crossover between them, unless they're priests. You're wondering what my point is with this- considering that this is a social work blog right? Why I am giving a run down on gay men.
Give me a second, I'll get there. So, the Flamer and Chelsea boys have been around for a long time. These are the epitome of gay. Now, the gay republican is not as new as you might think (he's been around in politics since the 60s and 70s) while the gym boy came out of the mid-nineties.
Someone in my family is the gay male republican body builder and he drives me nuts. He is absolutely intolerable. Just because he's gay does not make him a good person. My last conversation with him happened about a year and a half ago. Without going into details, he was holding onto all of these things that I apparently, “did to him” when I was 14 and 13. How I didn't fly across the country to go to his college graduation, when I wasn't even in control of that. How I didn't go to the Yarzeit after his mother's funeral because I had to go back to work and how I apparently didn't call him afterwards either. Both of which are bold faced lies and which he admitted were bold faced lies because he was “trying to get back at me”. This is typical behavior. I finally started calling him on his shit- his accusatory phone calls, “WHY HAVEN”T YOU CALLED ME BACK?” after he didn't talk to me for two months and he wouldn't come to my graduation even though I invited him. Basically, it turns out that he tells me that he was trying to get back at me and spite me for everything I had done to him in the past. When I asked what I'd done, it was things from 20 years ago when I couldn't even drive, let alone make my own decisions. I pretty much decided to break this sick cycle that we were in and told him that if he couldn't leave behind the past and move forward, our relationship was futile. He agreed. The next day he did something so intentionally hurtful that it was unforgivable. I called him on it immediately, being very calm, and telling him that it was hurtful. He was smug and seemed really happy, like he finally got back at me. He argued and started bringing up the past again and I told him to fuck off. He did all this stuff to me intentionally. And he wouldn't stop either. What's the purpose of having someone in your life that makes everything your fault and you can't break the cycle with them no matter what you do.
So, I get a text from him today saying “hi stranger, just hoping you are well”. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? First, it's as if it's my fault that we haven't spoken and that he's taking the higher road.
I feel torn. Between obligation and between pure hatred. There are no redeeming qualities about this person. He has nothing to offer, no love, no giving, no spirit. He uses everything that you give him to manipulate you or to dig up shit on you and twist it to his advantage. He even admits to this. Then, when you address him on any of his behavior, he brings up that 5 years ago, you didn't call on his mother's anniversary of her death (which again is a bold faced lie), or that 10 years ago, you didn't come to his soccer game because you were off at a tennis match. Dude, let it the fuck go. How old are you?
So, even if he did do all these things. He still offers nothing. I don't even know who he is! He asks all this information about me and what I'm doing, drilling me with question after question and not even waiting for the whole answer. But instead of giving something back or talking about what's going on with him, he is dead silent. He doesn't talk about anything. “How's work?” “Fine”. “How was the party last night?” “Fine”. “Where was it?” “Chelsea”. “What did you do?” “Jesus, why the third degree?” But he's allowed to drill me with questions all day. WHAT THE FUCK- once again hypocrisy.
Again, my problem. As a person who wants to break cycles and open up communication with people in my family, they just perpetuate their cycles with me. Instead of opening up communication, I find out the truth about why they do what they do, but then, they cut off because I call them on their shit. I'm also engaging in the cutting off because I don't want anything to do with them. They won't apologize, even if I do (for what I should apologize for) and they won't move on. In communication, it always takes two people to want to communicate. If there is one that doesn't want to move forward, forget it.
Basically, I think that it's important to say that just because we are social workers does not mean that we have to take it upon ourselves to be the martyr. I don't have to communicate perfectly- I can get mad and have fights and argue with people and tell them to fuck off. This is part of being human. Even if I make a better attempt than most to communicate openly, I gave my damnedest and I'll leave it at that. I don't have to keep going back and asking for more abuse. Fuck it.
So, I think we need to be who we are in our personal lives. There is no reason for us to try and do things differently just because we are social workers. As long as we know what the right thing to do is, we don't always have to do it. This may sound like hypocrisy to you. I think that as long as we “try” to communicate effectively in our personal lives (which I do), just because someone is not receptive to us doesn't mean that we have to keep banging our head against the wall. In other words, this is our job. Just like a mediator. Mediators might know how to communicate effective, but as my teacher said, she doesn't have to be perfect at home- she likes to fight with people! Good for her. She's not throwing them against the wall or hitting them, but, she's fighting.
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