Eye on the ball

So, it's been a busy week in a good way.

I've been moving things forward despite continuing anxiety. The biggest challenge is to remain non-biased and judgmental towards myself. Just because I'm anxious about something doesn't mean that I have to call myself an incapable idiot for not being able to handle it. When anxiety is a problem, it comes at expected events (which is the worst about it). You know that it's self-fulfilling, but you don't know how to make it not happen. So instead, you struggle against it and then succeed in making it worst. Also, for me, it's with stuff that I'm used to being able to do, no problem. This, in turn, creates shame (which is not just a river in denial... oh wait, wrong joke) and anger towards myself. Instead of battling anxiety, the Anxiety Cure suggests inviting the fear into your home. This way, eventually, the fear of fear might eventually dissipate. If you treat it nicely, it becomes better.

For example, this week, I have been doing things that push my comfort zone such as speaking up in a class and attending discussion groups. These activities help repeatedly expose me to a situation where there is anxiety in order to reduce it. Now, I feel a general level of calm speaking in class and being the center of attention that way.

I've also accomplished a lot of things this week business wise. It's important, for me, as being anxious, to calm myself down and not try to do everything at once, however. Once I start something, I usually go gung ho on it. Right now, I need to make sure to take a day for meditation and self-reflection. I have been repeatedly exposing myself to anxiety provoking situations all week and forget to give myself a break. I am used to being full throttle, but must remind myself to take it easy. And be okay that I have to do that.

I also have to remember how much time it took for me to get to this level of stress and be patient with myself for recovery.

Oh, and anyone whose dealing with anxiety should definitely have some Kava Root. I swear to God I felt stoned and really good during highly anxiety provoking situations. Still panicky, but not nearly as bad as without Kava.

So, I have been taking a mediation class which has been exciting for several reasons. First off, mediation is all about direct communication. There are two fundamental principles why people have conflict.
A: people don't know how to communicate directly
B: people have a need to be right

Well, these things seem to be obvious. In my case, I happened to be in a situation where my supervisor not only had to be right, but she didn't have a “right”. Her “right” was to make sure that I was wrong. It didn't matter what it was. She did this using ineffective communication, not giving feedback and shaming me- giving me the smug smile and the knowing glance and judging me conspiracy style until it drove me out of the workplace. It's difficult to explain these things to people who don't really understand why you would get “burnt out”. I've decided it's futile. These things don't just cause burnout and complete loss of faith in a field and in a career path, but in your own abilities. My situation was abusive. I was never one person to admit or say that I was a victim. I have never been a victim and I usually blame myself for everything. I have decided that this is a blame situation of someone else. This was not my fault (remember Matt Damon scene- for me the repetition reminds me that it was not my fault- even though I have to deal with the residual consequences). I tried everything, worked as hard as I could and there was not anything that I could do to change an abusive situation at work. Just because it's dysfunctional doesn't mean that you alone can fix it. It's too much, unless there's some way to separate yourself from it.

That's why it's so important for other social workers to recognize the early signs of abuse and burnout when you see them. Again, you need to protect yourselves, especially if you understand what's happening and the process. Those of you who don't know, like I said in “I Love Paris”, ignorance is bliss.

Second of all, I also learned in mediation class (interesting that I learn more in mediation class in 2 days than I learned in 2 years of social work classes), that people act based upon threats posed to the 5 human needs as defined by Maslow's five needs.

A)food and shelter
B)belongings
C)self esteem
D)Self actualization
E)Growth

If any of these needs are threatened, people get into conflict, and most people are conflict-avoidant. Interesting. I guess I was always just assuming that people would talk about conflict, but as I've matured, no one talks about conflict. The attitude is to avoid conflict. But usually, with some sort of explosion following the passive aggression. A blow up. Unfortunately, there was no blow up- I never busted out of work, they never yelled at me. Once in a while, a fight is a good thing, otherwise, someone's gotta absorb the tension – as suggested by Murray Bowen (Family Systems Theory).

So, my own needs that were threatened were a sense of belonging and self-esteem. I wasn't worried about losing my job, although I did think about it sometimes. I wondered what the looks were all about, the private meetings called with everyone but me outside of the team meeting, the fact that I never received emails. It would have been nice to hear that I did something, instead, there was this uncomfortable silence that was deafening and traumatizing. But, the loss of food and shelter was not something that concerned me. I would just get another job if I was fired. What I would be fired for is confusing. I was more concerned about a sense of belonging. It's really important for me to experience connectedness with my colleagues at work. This does not mean that I'm incapable of making a simple decision without guidance from a supervisor, but that when I make a decision, I expect to be supported and not undermined. Moreover, when I was told it was my decision, and then my supervisor decided it was hers, that was even better. Let me tell you one thing and do another. Obviously, the lack of fairness and the singling out of me, but not talking about it, was a way to keep me from feeling a sense of belonging. Also, always eliciting concerns from me and taking advantage of my trying to learn and my vulnerability, making me feel that I was the only one who was still learning because she already knew everything was another way of making feel like I didn't belong. Or, me expressing my high level of stress was another way that she secretly smiled as she knew secretly she was getting to me. So, all of the positive communication skills that I know, being honest and transparent, were all lost on her, the emotional 275 lb clam, as she used them as weapons against them, more of an opportunity for her to withhold and make me feel left out. .

More importantly, my self-esteem was threatened, not only threatened, but taken away from me. Of course, this was voluntarily, we are all responsible for keeping ourselves safe. This is what is so difficult to rebuild and takes a lot of practice. In fact, it takes so much practice that I have to give myself constant reassurance and positive self-talk all day long in order to maintain. Like any other skill, I would imagine this is something that the more you practice, the better you get at it.

Well, I learned things about myself from the experience, which was self-actualization. But my growth was threatened- this is why I left finally. Because I was no longer learning anything from my work, I was simply abusing myself.

I always wonder what my supervisor was going through. I can't mind read. So I have some theories about what was threatened for her, but I don't care. And trying to figure it out is futile and I don't need to create more anxiety for myself. All I know is that it hurt me a lot and left a lasting hurt on me in the form of chronic anxiety.

Trying to move forward and move on is getting easier from her. But I still suffer from anxiety about doing so. I experience self doubt all the time, even with moving forward. One of my hugest fears is being put in the center of attention and made to look like an asshole, feeling ashamed. What if I humiliate myself. I was recently reminded that my shame was put on me, not something that I need to put on myself. I already feel singled out enough. Having anxiety to this degree is another form of it. Anxiety tricks you into thinking that you are the only one who has it- panic. Or that your panic is somehow different than someone else's. So you feel unworthy or separate from society.

My anxiety started suddenly when I was starting a group. It was horrible and I have no idea what happened to me. Apparently, this is how it starts. Therefore, every time I have to make an entrance or begin a speech, I'm panicked. It's scary to think that I have to go into class next week and do two more “role plays”. I'm fine when I have to play a non-mediation role, but when I'm facilitating and the attention is on me, I'm scared shitless, especially when I know about it in advance. Thinking about it, I get more anxious, and meetings that should be fun feel more like dead ends or huge insurmountable obstacles.

Moreover, if I ignore the problem or try to push it aside, out of my head, it gets worse. Instead, I have to take time, do things repeatedly to take care of it. It's like if you have bronchitis and you don't take care of it, it gets worse. Honestly, I wish I could take a pill and get rid of it, but I don't think that would work either. Kava helps, but doesn't completely get rid of it. The hardest thing is acceptance. I can accept that I have anxiety, but not that I have panic, especially if I have the ability to control the way I think about it to alleviate it.

Now, here I am, wishing that none of this had ever happened. That this past year would just melt away, that I could just be normal again. Instead, I have to go about it as accepting my limitations and working “around them”. Accepting that I can't necessarily be excited about things that I used to love because it's intimidating to do them. Not that I won't do them, just simply that they are difficult. I guess it's sort of like understanding that you have a disability, except it's frustrating because anxiety feels more like a self-imposed struggle. I have to keep reminded myself that it's not.

So, as you can tell, I'm feeling kind of sorry for myself again today. That means that I haven't meditated in three days. I have been in a class, which was really difficult for me. Just going was the feat, then doing a role play and anticipating another for next week. I am moving forward, but I'm scared and anxious as hell. I keep thinking, one thing at a time. Baby steps, stay present, don't think ahead. POT! It takes me a day to come back to the present and it takes a LOT of work.

Also, I reschedule an appointment today that I had scheduled last week because my anxiety felt really unmanageable yesterday. Instead of being in a mindset that I can handle it, I am calm, I have the ability to experience happiness and the root of all that is happiness, I was thinking of it as a panic. I feel totally guilty about this. Just spoke with the woman who I am supposed to meet and rescheduled the meeting for two days out. She made me feel at ease and it reminded me that she really needs me and wants to meet with me. This is not a huge evaluation or something to panic about. I need to meditate on the present.

More funny shit later- this was depressing, but I needed to get it out. Need to do some meditations. And Keep my Eye on the ball- meaning staying present. The Swayambunath eyes always remind me of the importance of staying present. They're so intense and colorful and beautiful, and all seeing. Boddhichitta-emptiness and spaciousness.