HYPOCRISY!

Hypocrisy!

After my last entry, I understand why the whole thing about idiot compassion is so obnoxious to me. There is nothing worse than a hypocrite. Someone who is so unbelievably not self aware, that they actually criticize you for exactly what they are doing.

To once again quote the wise, if stupid words of Alanis Morisette, isn't it ironic?

The 275 pounder who are out to dinner with talking about how caesar salad is really bad for you (that's what you are eating, with the dressing on the side), while they proceed to finish off their entire hamburger with cheese and mayo (dripping out of the corners of their mouth) along with a heaping pile of french fries, not to mention the fact that they already feasted on buffalo wings as an appetizer. Or then, they start criticizing you because you are not eating enough. Right, like I'm going to listen to eating advice from Jaba the Hut.

Or the people who tell you that you are crazy for running a marathon (now, I am crazy and I don't mind hearing this from people who are also running or who are trying to be in shape. In other words, those who don't look like Kirstie Alley pre-Jenny Craig). And that running is really bad for your knees and that it can be addictive. This comes out of one side of the mouth while you snicker and think, “yeah, I guess it's better to weigh three hundred pounds because that really helps your heart, knees and back”. At times, I wonder, “is she for real?” she can't possibly mean that, while at others, I begin to wonder, they really are for real and they can't look in the mirror.

Or, the DV clients who go back to their abusive boyfriends over and over, but tell everyone else in group, “he's bad for you. He's never gonna change”. Are you for real?

One of my other favorite examples of hypocrisy, on a more global level is the priests who judge homosexuals like they aren't getting any themselves. Or the underground gay republicans, or the people who tell everyone else how they are so judgmental, meanwhile they can't listen to anything non-judgmental. Or the students at my social work program who complained about the two Republican students who were in the school and how they thought it was so inappropriate for Republicans to be in social work. Dude, whatever- who the fuck cares, is it really your problem? It might be a bit unorthodox and fucked up, but how can you, in the next breath sit there and talk about how you are so open-minded and wave signs to Save Darfur.

These people, who consider themselves high and mighty over all other earthly beings must have some secret we don't know about. If they do, where do I get some of that cluelessness? I'd love to be totally not self aware and self-conscious. Apparently it would make me a better person, or at least not have to worry about anything. After all, in reference to my Paris Hilton article, ignorance is bliss.

I have no problem taking advice from people who are actually well adjusted and practice what they are preaching. In fact, I have no problem taking advice from people who are open about their own issues. But when the tell you about your eating or exercise habits when they are clearly not practiced (to put it kindly- to put it unkindly they look like Carnie Wilson in the second Wilson Phillips cover- I love how they would always dress her in black and hide her behind the two other girls).

This does lead back to therapy. Now, if I went to treatment for alcoholism or drug abuse, I wouldn't necessarily need a clinician who was in recovery, simply someone who looked like they took care of themselves. If you want to get well, wouldn't you want a helping professional who took care of themselves, brushed their teeth every day, showered and took some pride in their personal appearance? Well, I would. But that doesn't mean that meth addicts would care. However, in the past, presenting as a well groomed person has brought a lot of benefit to clients. For example, when you do job development with clients, they like your outfit, so they want to go shopping for more “professional” clothes. This is great- you rubbed off on someone as a mentor to inspire them to want to be more professional. If this same client had a teacher who looked unattractive and was ugly, would it be the same? Would the client aspire to be a better person, to dress better and maybe do their hair for the interview? If not, the client runs a risk of not getting the job. Because part of doing well is looking well.

Think about the story (can't remember her name) about the woman who set up a facade real-estate office. She hired actors/temps to sit in and pretend they were really busy, paid thousands of dollars for designer furniture and did a whole bunch of other things to make the office and her business look high powered and important. Sure enough, she tapped into some really rich clients and became a high paid real-estate agent in New York. Sometimes, it pays to look the part- our culture pays very close attention to physical appearance and I am a strong believer in Lillian Glass' statement that if there are people in your life who are (not necessarily unattractive, but obviously don't take care of themselves), they may very well be toxic. Stepping this up and considering that helpers may be toxic is pretty traumatizing. It's almost as bad as getting advice from a fat person that you should stop exercising so much because marathon training is bad.

So, if a helping professional can't stand up for themselves, set limits or boundaries with clients, yet tells clients to set boundaries isn't it the same thing? I think so. If we can't practice what we preach, what the FUCK are we doing in this industry. Now, I'm not saying that we need to be perfect. You've already heard my feelings and perception on that. I'm simply saying that in order to be effective helpers, we should look at ourselves and what we are projecting, because god dammit, how likely is it that clients will listen to a person with diabetes telling them to lose weight. Or someone in an abusive relationship to leave their abusive partner. Or a shlumpy person telling someone to “clean up” their act. But, if we are able to admit our own weaknesses with the client, maybe that would be more helpful. Ya think?

So in other words, recognizing that we all have our downfalls and being able to talk openly about them, or use them to assist clients. So, a clinician with a weight problem could say to a client, “don't be like me” or make some joke to at least acknowledge their downfall. We must be self-aware to know what the fuck is going on in therapy, in order to understand the dynamic between the client and ourselves. The recognition that what we are about to say may be considered “hypocritical” may be effective.

Now, you naïve social workers, this is not to say that you should go spilling your guts out to any client who will listen and utilize their therapy for your own (keep in mind the social work students using their class as a therapy session).

Here is an example of something that I believe is a useful way to use oneself in the therapy process. Part of our group process was to teach nutrition and healthy behaviors. Now, if you look at some of our clients, why in god's name would they take one look at me and listen to me about nutrition. I said in my team meeting, “why would any of my clients listen to my skinny ass telling them to get in shape and exercise”. Well, apparently, this wasn't really funny and no one understood, except my supervisor brushed over it telling me it was part of the curriculum. So, I needed to find a way to get people to hear me. So, I said the same to my clients before the group. “So there is no reason that you guys have to listen to my skinny ass tell you about nutrition, but it's part of the curriculum, so maybe you'll learn something today that ya didn't know”. This broke the ice for a lot of people and they were much more comfortable. This is an example of self use that can be effective.

So, ultimately, this is my problem with hypocrisy in both personal and professional life. Hopefully we all learned something today.

DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH FAT PEOPLE. Chris Farley is one of my favorite people in the world. There are hundreds of wonderful fat people out there. Apparently I just have a lot of examples of fat people who live in some distorted world and look in the mirrors from the carnival that stretch them out. These are the people who talk about their diets incessantly but never lose any weight. The people like my supervisor who need to take every opportunity to say how her kickboxing classes are really getting her in shape, even though “the scale doesn't reflect my effort”. Isn't it embarrassing for someone to say shit like that? In public? If I were fat, I would exploit myself and defend my fatness. Be proud of it! But ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist is unethical and a problem.