You gotta KNOW WHEN TO HOLD 'EM, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM

It's funny how when you are not complaining about things that you experience a sense of calm and collectedness. It's like you've reached enlightenment when all of your bitching and whining about everything and everyone around you has kind of died down and you feel like some of the anxiety toned down too. It's also less interesting!

When Pema Chodron talks about the phenomenon of being present and getting tired during meditation, I totally couldn't relate initially. Sitting with so much anxiety on a daily basis, I didn't understand how it was possible that you could actually get tired or bored during a meditation. However, when we are truly successful at being present and realizing that not all our demons followed us from the shit we put ourselves through and that our psycho 300 pound boss didn't follow us from the office into our apartments – sitting on our shoulders smiling smugly that she was successful in her efforts to destroy us. When you are not thinking about self-preservation and being on high alert all the time. When we are able to sit and be there with the moment, with the silence, the ridiculousness and the bodhichitta, things look empty and meaningless. There is a sense of calm in that space. Strangely enough, when we are able to realize that things really aren't that serious and that life is just a series of episodes of Cheers, things start to look on the up and up. There is a sense of power in knowing that we don't have control over anything and that life is simply emptiness and wide open.

However, these moments are to be cherished and held onto. It is important to practice these feelings and induce them at least once a day, because life has it's way of throwing shit at you left and right. The unexpected twists and turns that happen on a day to day basis are sometimes what triggers our 2 year old to come out and be reactive. It's sort of like Pacific Northwest weather. A tease that spring is here with a 90 degree day and then a hail storm the next day.

Recovery is sort of a process like this. When you have experienced something damaging or traumatic, it's a slow and long, gradual process. We are never sure that we are getting better until we start to notice some minor changes. We're not constantly in tense knots, we're not constantly on alert like we fear we will be attacked or we are exposing ourselves to something evil. I recently had a mentor tell me that anxiety is sort of like a friend that went overboard. Someone who is trying to protect you, but goes too far. This is totally true. Anxiety is a physical and emotional reaction to situations that we interpret as evil. If we spend too much time in evil situations without listening to our gut (especially when we are Geminis), we end up internalizing that evil and feeling we always need to be on alert. If you assume you spend 40 hours a week at work- a substantial amount of your waking hours. So, it takes a while for your body to turn off it's reactive process. It takes a good amount of time for our bodies to get back to normal and not be on alert all the time. It also takes some external events to reassure our bodies that they are right in assuming we are not in danger. And since we are human and we do “relapse”, sometimes our bodies jump back to reactive mode with the slightest touch. Things that might make us more likely to do so are 1. anything stressful that happens in life. The smallest trigger can make you feel like you went back to square one- like you disappointed yourself. However, these minor setbacks need to be considered for what they are. Minor setbacks, or just bumps in the road. Or, not even bumps. Maybe they can be just things that happen, just like things that make us happy. Not everything is a failure or success. Some things just are.

In some sense, I guess you could call drama in life and holding on to everything an addiction. If we become too driven by things that we can't do anything about, we lead a very exciting life. We have a lot to talk about with people and if we're really clever about it, we can make it funny. Some people become addicted to drama and recovery is the process of letting go of the drama and sometimes finding that calm.

I'm definitely not saying that a healthy attitude is not having any drama in your life. I think we are all human and we need to create some drama to keep things interesting. Hell, if I couldn't make fun of midgets with one leg, what would be the purpose of living? I'm simply talking about not getting so attached to things. I'll explain this better.

It's funny. Sometimes, I'll be reading In Touch magazine about Brad and Angelina's most recent public disagreement. Schadenfreude tells me to rejoice in their troubles because I hate Angelina. There are certain people who are just a personal offense to everyone in the world and all of humanity. She is one of those people. First of all, she is a walking contradiction. She was institutionalized three years ago for a suicide attempt (she is by the way classic borderline personality disorder), made out with her brother at the Oscars AND she's allowed not only to be a UN member or some sort of world leader (just because she thinks she has a British accent- when it's actually worse than Madonna's attempt at one), but she's allowed to buy children to add to her collection. Please, she actually collects children like she collects handbags. It's like those people who put themselves down on a handbag wait-list at Saks for like three years and if they can't say, “do you know who I am?” and get off the wait-list off their importance alone, by the time their name pops up on the wait-list, their handbag is out of fashion. Well, apparently it's easier to adopt children from third world countries. Then, everyone in Hollywood and the rest of the world totally admires her as if she did something good and she's such an “authentic” and “concerned” person. Please, just because she's not out creating her own perfume fragrance like J-Lo or coming out with a new album like Lindsay Lohan, she's the new Gandhi. What has she done that's been good? She hasn't made a good movie ever. She won an Oscar for Girls Behaving Badly (oh wait, that was Girls Interrupted), but that's because she played herself. Now, she goes to Afghanistan 9 months pregnant and sports a head wrap in Darfur and suddenly she's a world leader? That's some scary shit. How is she a fit mother? Last of all, the woman married Brad Pitt. I do not want to talk about her home-wrecking abilities because that's a whole other three pages.

So, as you see by my previous rampage, I get really worked up about this. But every week at the grocery counter, I can't wait to bust open the latest version of In Touch or Life and Style (these are the best magazines because they are cheaper than US) to find out the latest celebrity drama. My partner gets really annoyed at me because I usually am so distracted by Angelina and Brad or worse yet, TomKat, that I forget to offer payment for the groceries or I get made fun of by the line of people behind me who can't understand why someone would be so caught up in this shit. It's pathetic isn't it. Sometimes I start throwing the magazine once I get in the car on the ride home. If I'm driving on the way home, I have my partner read me the trash in the car because god forbid I can't wait until I get home to find out about Britney's latest mental health disaster and Dr. Phil's opinion about it. Or Mary Kate and Ashley's latest bout with anorexia or Heath Ledger. Or how Mary Kate actually fit into her handbag last week.

My partner always says, “why do you get so worked up about that shit?”. He's like surprised about it, like I'm some Alien from the planet Xenu. I reply saying, “because Tom Cruise is a personal insult to all Americans. It is not okay that people like him are famous and become renowned philosophers and leaders. Dude, stick to acting and stay the fuck out of telling people what to do or standing for some moral issue”. While Tom Cruise really IS a personal affront to all Americans and mental health professionals for that matter, why is it that these issues cause me to be thrown into an episode of bipolar mania? Not to mention the rest of America? I also explain to my husband that while I might say that Tom Cruise is a personal insult, it's not like I'm really upset about this shit. I'm just expressing an opinion and sometimes that personal opinion becomes pretty intense and I can go on and on about something. Now, what he should be pissed about is when I'm actually getting worked up over something that I have no control over and that really IS personal to me.

First off, I'm not bipolar and grandiose; I don't believe that Tom Cruise is actually behaving the way he does just to offend me. I know that his behavior is just a problem in general. However, when things happen in life, it's important to recognize that there are some events that are really like celebrity news (not personal in any way but fun to get “worked up” about), and there are some events that are personal like your friends doing shit that seems related to you or your boss really trying to do something personal to you. The trick is to know how to interpret these events without over-investing yourself- like with celebrity news. There is some research that states that people who are happier actually externalize and have less self awareness than people who experience depression and anxiety. In fact, people who experience depression and anxiety might be more accurate in interpreting events, however, they take too much personally and therefore allow their heads to run rampant with thoughts of what if it really about me. What if my friend really doesn't like me because she had to have dinner with her family? What if my friend doesn't like me because she chooses to ditch me for her stupid boyfriend that just causes her problems? What if Tom Cruise actually looked up my name on a google search and found out I said he was gay and is making out with his robotic wife Katie just to piss me off? Ha. So, we must figure out how to be sensitive and self aware without getting too far into our heads and we must figure out how to be confident enough that we don't become Tom Cruise- hypocritical without self awareness.

I think that the trick is to look at most situations like celebrity news. Just recently, one of my best friends came into town for a week. Every time she comes to town, she stays with her dad and stepmom (her stepmom is seriously psycho). In the past, she would actually tell her parents she would be arriving later and stay with me for a couple days so she would be released from prison long enough to see her friends or god forbid have a drink. She also has a tendency to try and please everyone and avoid conflict. So, it's really annoying when you have plans with her and she ends up dissing you yet again because her parents are “weird” about her or think she is “taking them for granted” or some other bullshit drama. As a result, I have started asking her in advance what her plans with her parents are so that I know what time we will have to hang. I have also addressed the fact that it is really frustrating when she switches plans or bails because her stepmom is having another hissy (she is by the way a mental health professional- ha). Well, the last time she came to town, I let go and said, this will happen. I've addressed it, can't do anything to change it and I won't expect anything. While that's kind of sad, I didn't get worked up about it. Instead, I was able to talk about it like an episode of the Hills rather than anything personal. I also realize that it has nothing to do with me whether she can't come out. It's just her own inability to stand up for herself or set boundaries with her parents. Once again, my frustration with people who don't take care of themselves. She is after all, 31 years old for Christ's Sake. My parents aren't even that bad. So, in this case, it's okay to fold em- because it's not about you.

Even if you have friends who you realize have limitations in terms of trustworthiness or just when the frustrate you, it's important to sometimes treat this like celebrity gossip and fold em. Put in your two cents and fold em. You're not going to change whether your friend likes to tell everyone else what to do but won't follow her own advice or turn the mirror on herself. But she's also not doing these things personally to you. She does this to everyone, it just feels like it's only to you. Or maybe you're just more sensitive to it like I am.

Now, the problems arise when you are actually involved in a situation where someone really is out to get you. I'm not talking about some random person on the street, because then you just avoid the situation. You don't try to make it okay with some psycho running after you with a knife social workers, you just run. You don't feel sorry for them and try to put yourself in their shoes or talk them down. It's not your responsibility. If the NASW actually tells you that it's your responsibility to save others when you put yourself in danger just because you are a social worker and mandatory reporter- fuck that yo. I remember living in an apartment in NYC with a family next to us who was always screaming at each other in Haitian and throwing shit at each other. You could hear everything from the hallway-noises of things being thrown against the wall reverberated in the hallway. Moreover, it was common knowledge that their ten year old son was a crack dealer. Once, I had a social work friend come over who asked why I hadn't called the cops. Dude, I'm not getting involved. That's none of my fucking business. Hell, for all we knew this could have been a case of cultural differences. Haitians tend to talk louder in general and we had no idea what they were actually saying to each other. They could have been talking about the weather, or having wild sex. Or they could have been throwing their 10 year old son against the wall. None of my business. Just because I'm a social worker does not give me the right to make moral judgments on other peoples' behavior- unless they are my clients. But those aren't moral judgments- unless the person is acting like Tom Cruise. Moreover, if there really was some serious domestic disturbance, I'm not going to be the stupid white girl intervening with Child Services in an all black building. Who the fuck do you think it was who reported the noise? The other crack dealers in the building or the white girl student in the corner apartment. People aren't stupid and I'm not putting myself in danger for other people's well being. Who the fuck determines well being anyway? What am I God? Apparently, NASW seems to think so. So if keeping myself safe means that I'm an unethical social worker, I will accept that. I don't wanna be a social worker anyway. Also, if we intervene to the expense of our own selves or lives, what fucking good can we do if we're dead or out of commission as a social worker? None. So thanks NASW!

This is the problem with social workers. We seem to think that everything is our responsibility, when it really has nothing to do with us at all! So, here we are taking on all the woes of the world. And what do we get for it? A slap in the face for fucking in other peoples' busin-ass. So, this may be why the more driven ones don't necessarily take a slap in the face as serious enough. In other words, social work makes us ignore cues of danger. If we feel that we are in danger, we ignore it because it's our job to be in danger. To ignore our bodies' cues or signals. This is totally bullshit and it makes us very sick people. I am living proof. As a result of my understanding (subconscious or not) that I was to be helping other people, I ignored signals of danger (being threatened by clients and supervisor) for a means to a greater good- to get my LCSW. This succeeded in absolutely nothing. I did not achieve my goal and I only succeeded in killing myself emotionally. The psyche can only take so much abuse. While I may have more common sense than most social workers who may be stupid enough to intervene in some street fight, I sacrificed my emotional wellbeing trying to overinvest in something that was not to be changed. In other words, I didn't know when to fold em.

Now, I'm not saying to stay out of our clients lives. I have had to report client's behavior to community partners plenty of times. Sometimes, we have to play hardball and law enforcement. That's some fun shit. Sending someone to jail because they didn't come to group- again. I get some sick pleasure out of reporting, “Brad was absent, again. He's not calling in and here are all his contacts in the past month”. Power trip- probably. Our clients lives are our business. That's why it's so important to have a strong agency backing you- team support, so that you can blame your report on the agency. This way the client doesn't just want to kill you, they want to kill everyone in the agency. This is much better because then you don't have a hitman on your door. How hard do you really think it is for a client to stalk you if they wanted. This is why I like working with people with DD. For the most part, a lot of them can't read and might be in a wheelchair. They might take lift to try and find you, but it's easy to run away from a wheelchair, even the electric ones. You just hit some stairs. I'm totally kidding, but not entirely. Think about it. Antisocial substance abuse clients see you in private practice and are definitely smart enough to stalk you if they wanted. I've seen enough Lifetime movies starring Alan Thicke to know that!

So, the moral of the story today is that not everything in life is like celebrity gossip. Some things are, and some things are more serious. And it's important to recognize when to pull back from those things and stay away from certain situations in efforts to self-preserve (when the things are more serious). I will explore this more tomorrow. However Listen to your body and mind. Otherwise, you are just takin' a hit for the team kids. Do you really want to be the reason for another joke about a social worker that risked their own life or mental health for the good of others? To no avail for either party? Is this really our job?

Train-wreck

Lack of control and letting go can be a peaceful thought, in terms of the fact that we are all interconnected and we are just along for the ride. The universe with show us where to go when we lack direction- I have faith that it will. In terms of finding a career, having faith that things will happen as they should. This is comforting to me. However, to others, it may seem overwhelming or scary in the sense that they have no control. Control is overrated anyway.

What I want to know is how a person who never thought that “having control” was always the answer, turned into someone who got so caught up in having control?

Obviously, there is a fine line between having a “cause”, “being on a mission” and becoming obsessed to change something that isn't yours to change. What's really scary is that all the people who have actually created change have been mostly hated by others, if not killed. People who have induced change and been heroes have to experience the ultimate sacrifice (if not death) to get their point across. Aren't these really the ultimate caretakers? They are people “taking the blow” for the greater good of humanity. What you think Gandhi really wanted to die for himself? You think he said to himself, “you know, I'm just not feeling like eating because this dahl is giving me diarrhea”. No, Gandhi fasted because it was for the “good” of his people. You think that MLK thought, “Today, I think I'll piss everyone off enough with my non-violence that I'll get shot”. No. These are not conscious decisions. But great world leaders and people who have the ability to make change often take this “martyr” approach. NOT in a negative sense.

The official definition of a martyr is not a bad thing, (I just like to use it in the context of people who like to be martyrs in the sense that they take care of everyone but themselves). Webster's has three definitions: 1. “a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle”2. a person who voluntarily suffers death as the penalty of witnessing to and refusing to renounce a religion, 3. victim; especially : a great or constant sufferer.

The first two definitions are fine- of course there was Jesus, the ultimate martyr. I mean, the dude could walk on water and turn water into wine but he couldn't do something to escape the crucifixion? Not only that, but even David Blaine could have gotten himself out of that one. Hmmm. So, he died on purpose to prove a point- refused to renounce his religious principles. And look where he is today!

The second definition I have already discussed. People who make sacrifices “for the greater good” of the people or to stick to their principles. No issue here either- I feel I am mostly one of these people. I make personal sacrifices to try and make a point. This is not always for the greater good, but, this is what I think I'm doing. In my last job, I was being totally selfish in staying and being overly dedicated to a purpose that wasn't fitting or working. So, escaping would have been more important that struggling and trying to change it.

The third definition, or the victim is the person that I have trouble with and that brings about a more negative connotation for me.

Why? Because this person is someone who suffers repeatedly by choice. My belief again is that there is suffering in the world and we can either wallow in it and feel bad about it, or realize it and work as hard as we can to make the biggest difference that we can and leave our mark. Stand up for who we are and what we believe. This will be met by struggle of course (we are not all so important that we will be killed if we stand up for our beliefs), but at least we did something. At least we didn't just sit there and complain all the time.

Webster's definition cracks me up because it reminds me of that guy in the movie Sleepless in Seattle that Meg Ryan was going to marry, but ended up leaving him for Tom Hanks. The dude with chronic asthma who was so OCD that he couldn't try anything. He was a victim to his “asthma” and allergies, when really all he needed to do was take some medications and loosen up. African Americans have been oppressed for years, but those of them who play the victim card piss me off too. Those who play the race card when they are not getting what they want aren't effective. Whereas, black people who work hard, are aware of oppressive forces still in play, talk about them and address them, but persist anyway are much more respectful. Or people with disabilities who give up because they are in a wheelchair- yeah dude, you've got problems, but here ya are. You can feel bad for yourself or you can work around the obstacles to move forward and leave your mark in a different way. I'm not saying that all these people need to become world renowned change agents, but at the very least, they can work around their obstacles.

So, as you pay attention to your patterns and what you do, you become more aware of things every day. I learned something very important about myself last night. A friend was telling me about some of the tendencies that I have towards black and white. Everything is either black or white, there's no gray area. Well, even though I'm always thinking about the gray areas (hence the anxiety), and wondering about what's going to happen. Usually, when I involve myself in other peoples' affairs, including friends, I'm very black and white.

I'll explain. This is more related to the vortex of help. Once I get sucked in, there I go and it's usually impossible to pull me out before I have started to become vaguely reminiscent of Amy Winehouse (just a train-wreck like her, not actually with all the drugs... never mind). But you get the picture, a totally train-wreck- like Britney (except without the bipolar), or Lindsey (without the coke). I'm spiraling towards disaster, but no one can actually stop me until I'm freaking out and obsessing about what's wrong with that person and why did they do that and it must have something to do with something that I did! I just don't flash my chocha in public. Now, as I mentioned before, often my train-wreck happens and then other people actually do what I thought was best for them. So, I manipulate people into taking care of themselves. Actually, this it totally brilliant, except for the train-wreck part. So, my goal is to avoid the train-wreck part.

So, when I notice that someone is doing something that I feel is a “bad decision” or them sacrificing themselves for no reason or just being a victim in some sense, I intervene in a very clever way. I give them my feedback and then I remove myself. Because this is the only way to keep myself safe from getting overly emotionally involved in their situation.

Examples, I can think about ever since friends in college. One of my best friends who I grew up was getting married to a man who was 17 years older than her and moving to Spain. Naturally, all of her close friends were concerned regardless- this is a big step after all. However, she would always talk to me about all her future husband's issues, including how he wouldn't let her have her own email address and that he read all her emails because he didn't trust her or something. So, instead of talking about this behind her back (like most of us were- I won't say that I didn't do that too... ), I addressed this with her.

I basically said, “I think you are a beautiful person and I hope he's good enough for you. Also, I want you to make sure that you don't give up your own freedom and that you maintain your sense of self”. She took this well when I said it, but then turned around and talked to all of our friends (who came to me about it) about how I told her that he wasn't good looking enough for her. Whatever dude. We straightened this whole thing out, but, this is a perfect example of my tendency to “make sure” that people I care about are taking care of themselves. This was one situation where I didn't get over-involved and become a train-wreck. After she made the decision, I ended up being the only person who would still hang out with her and her husband (whereas all my other friends have unspoken issues with him) because I knew where she was coming from about it. It's not like he's beating her up or anything. She's made the choice to be with him and that's no longer my problem.

Another example. Yesterday, I was hanging out with one of my best friends who has been on and off dating this dude who is way younger than her. Bottom line, he's got some substance abuse issues, she's gotten some DUIIs and is currently sober. The only addiction she hasn't give up is him. She is even aware of this. She talks about how bad he makes her feel and how he doesn't take precaution when around her. He smokes pot in her house, when she's on probation and she does nothing to stop it, besides talking to me about it. So, finally, while I am a good listener, I was done. If he was around, I wouldn't be. She wondered what my issue was with him and I explained, I have absolutely no problem with him, I have a problem with the fact that you could get your ass thrown back in jail and ruin everything that you've worked to rebuild just because of that mother fucker. She is understanding of this and no longer hangs around him with me and him together. She has even said that she no longer stays with him when she visits him and gets a hotel room. She has thanked me for saying something because she never really thought about that. I have gotten pretty pissed off at her for things that she drops because of this guy though. If he comes into town, all her obligations are forgotten and just because she's not drinking, she stays up until the wee hours of the morn partying with him and his friends. So, here I am obsessing and getting over involved in other peoples' problems. So, while I can listen to her bitch about him, the line is that I don't have to be with her and her decision to be with him. If she wants to do that to herself, I want to have no involvement in it. Because I can't handle people not taking care of themselves and if I were there, I would just get worked up.

Moreover, in the example of my mom in the last entry, I got over invested in my opinion about the situation. You ask my opinion, you're going to get it. So, I'm stuck. I don't know how to remove myself emotionally, while also being supportive of someone. Instead, I have to bow out completely. So it is black and white. I have to either avoid, or get over invested. In this case, it becomes manipulative (on her end) because telling her I think her realtor is stupid and taking advantage of her, and that I don't want to hear anything about what her realtor did because it's too upsetting is manipulative. Because it crosses out that topic of conversation entirely. Now is that good or bad? I don't know. While I felt backing out entirely was a good thing, my friend reminded me, “she's your mom, don't be too hard on her, she's having a hard time and she needs you”.

I'm not sure what the cure is. When we approach life being educated and passionate, it is almost impossible to stay “uninvolved” or “unemotional” about things. It's difficult to remain objective when you see people you love making poor decisions or when you see Chelsea Handler adopting midgets. Actually, no that's just funny. No, you find it difficult when your friends or your family make bad choices. My question, though is if I become so over-involved and turn into a train-wreck, then why is it that these people all tell me stuff- personal stuff? In my opinion it's because they know I'm going to get involved. But, I don't know if that's it. Feedback from loved ones on this issue is that “you listen”. So, just because I listen, that means that I'm not expected to throw an opinion your way? I don't think so. I think people know me well enough that I'm going to throw an opinion your way.

So the question arises again. How is it, then being the person that I am, that I can remain separated from an issue without it appearing manipulative to the other party? How can I get involved without getting “Swept Away” like that bad Madonna movie.

Is Anything Sacred? The Handbook on how to be more like Chelsea Handler"

I'm not sure if there is anything sacred. At least, I'm not sure there should be. If we can dig into anything, and find humor in everything, haven't we found true happiness and the meaning of life? Not necessarily true happiness, but more playfulness. Not everything is so fucking serious. Life is suffering and if we can accept it, then being with that suffering while trying to make the best out of it seems to be the best approach to things. A purely Buddhist endeavor to understand the pure sadness of life in it's entirety, but being able to be steadfast and stick with yourself and be “free from suffering and the root of all that is suffering”. This is against the principles of social work where all we do is analyze and don't make better. While self-awareness is important in order to go through life as an effective and not an obnoxious person, dwelling in self-awareness is depressing, self-deprecating, but many social workers get caught in this rut. Actually, many people in general probably get caught in this rut! Why do you think that we have anxious people in this world?

I think we need a better way to handle this shit! Let's use the extreme Buddhist ideal here and accept ourselves, remain steadfast with who we are, FUCK everyone else and what they think. If we can be loving towards ourselves, why does it really matter what everyone else thinks or how they interpret our actions? The people who really love us and who we really love will understand our out of control behavior, our outrageousness, our passion, our emotions and us in general. Each of us is unique, some of us are really obnoxious (but that's just because they can't look in the mirror). So let's embrace ourselves and make ourselves the best we can be.

There's no one who embodies this concept as boldly as Chelsea Handler, a woman who actually calls her "adopted midget", Chewy and refers to him as a Mexican nugget. Her most recent book was entitled, “Are you there Vodka? It's me Chelsea”. From a woman claiming that Grey Goose is her new God, and that waking up next to a redheaded man is like taking one for the team, I have found a new idol.

This woman is unbelievably brilliant. Maybe she drinks too much and sleeps around a lot, but she's totally self-deprecating and that's what makes her a morally superior being. (That and she's Jewish). Who cares if she got a DUII and spent the night in a women's jail. She is one person who could handle it like a pro and can make something funny out of it. And, she also says that she learned her lesson- so she's not stupid enough to drink and drive. She just hires Paris Hilton's driver.

People who can sit on national television and rip themselves to shreds, but love themselves enough to have self-confidence about it, are brilliant. All of us are human, do stupid shit. If there wasn't this little invisible piece of shit moral judgment, or social work fairy sitting on our shoulder, maybe we could all embrace our sense of humor about all the ridiculous things that we try to hide from everyone all the time. Social workers do have the god damn social work fairy sitting on their shoulder at all times and they can't escape it. That's what's wrong with most of them. They can't escape or determine their own identities or find themselves because they don't have the education enough to find out that there is such a thing as a difference between personal identity and professional identity. If social workers could be okay with not being God to their clients, they could admit that they have problems. At least not try to hide their evident problems from clients and not blatantly lie about them. For example, it's okay to not reveal your status as far as recovery to your clients about being in recovery or not when they ask, but if they find you in a grocery store loading up on beer, you're stuck. The best you could do is tell them, “oh, this isn't mine”. We can't all be perfect. The harder we try to hide that from everyone, the worse off everyone is.

On the other hand, if we could bust out on national television with our vulnerabilities, we would be much stronger people in the long run. Unfortunately, we all don't get to host E TV, or are as smart and quick witted as Chelsea Handler, but we do have the ability to be more honest with ourselves and people around us. This does not mean to tell clients in treatment that you are not in recovery just because they asked. This simply means that life is life and clients will have their opinions of you crushed if they find you at a dance club grinding with four black guys to Baby Got Back. But, you know what? That's your choice and it's your personal life. If they so happened to catch you there, it's something to discuss about their feelings about it in therapy, but it's not like you asked your client to join you or were there with your client. You just happened to see them. Just like a business man is occasionally caught in an embarrassing drunken encounter. If we didn't think so much about how we were letting everyone down around us, we would feel more positive about our own choices and lives instead of trying to hide our identities.

One of the biggest things that I did for myself in recovering from the ordeal with my last job was to recognize all the things about myself that were painful in order to move on and move forward. I realized how much shame that I had regarding some of them. Some of the blogs I have written have been horribly personal- but while this is anonymous, and will remain so, it's different. The real release and recovery came when I started sharing things with my friends and family that I found ridiculously embarrassing about having anxiety. Like, I'll show up early because I'm worried about panicking if I walk into a room of people where the attention is all focused on me. When you tell people what you are actually worried about instead of telling little white lies, you are able to loosen everyone up around you. It's amazing the little lies that we tell ourselves and everyone around us in order to maintain our “sickness”. With anxiety, you lie to yourself about the fact that you are anxious and continually try to deny it. If you are honest about it and put it out there, it's not as bad. If you can play it off and make it funny, you're in even better shape!

Humor is actually a coping mechanism for everything. When you smile, you use muscles in your face that remind you of being happy and it can actually trigger your brain to feel happier. When you smile, it's contagious and other people smile back. If you can laugh something off, it can help you keep your pride, can reduce stress and make you feel happy. These are all powerful things.

So, the question is, while Chelsea is TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL and a problem, is she really a problem, or is she brilliant? If we could all be this ridiculous and self-deprecating, would we really care so much what other people were doing? If we could all recognize how many problems that we all have (because we all have problems, and anyone claiming that they don't should die), would we really be judging people on all their problems?

Imagine if you were hanging out with the friend who weighed 300 pounds who would say, “damn you are so lucky you can eat fries, I like to keep my weight down by eating three orders instead of four”. Or, “Fat man in a little coat”. Wouldn't you like them better? Instead of them telling you what was wrong with your eating habits? I don't know, maybe you would prefer the latter because you like doing that. I don't know. I just know that we wouldn't be so concerned with what everyone else was doing if we were all a bit more self-aware and could express and communicate where we were coming from. If we are able to use humor to do so, more power to us because it makes us more likable. But honestly, people like you more if you have the ability to make fun of your shortcomings. At least I think so. If you are constantly trying to put on a show and prove that you are worth something, you are not doing yourself or anyone else a favor.

When Bowen Systems talks about making a change, he's not bullshitting when he says that it starts with you and your attitude about yourself. If you can show others that you know where you are coming from, they are more likely to respond positively to and move with you as a leader, even though they might be resistant.

It seems that if there was more laughing in the world and not so many of you tight ass supposedly non-judgmental social workers getting offended by opinions that are not open-minded, or just people in general taking things a little less seriously- sort of like an episode of General Hospital, rather than an episode of CSI- our world would be a happier and more relaxed place. If there were less concern with “the hidden meaning” behind a statement, or the assumptions made, the next step taken... we wouldn't rely so much on our tight and structured frameworks and would realize that really the universe is actually really big and something that we have no control over. It's going to take us where it's going to take us regardless of how we struggle.

But being more self aware, and working on ourselves could prove to solve a lot of world and personal conflict and struggle with ourselves and others.

The Sick and Twisted Vortex of Help

So, I got sucked in again. On my last week of successes and follow through, I got sucked into some drama and wasted two days of energy on a useless task. At least so I felt this morning, before the outcome came about. Now, I feel good about myself. That's a problem.

Okay, so a bit of history... My mom decided she was going to sell her house. This was distressing for her as she has been depressed and has a difficult time making a decision. Any decision she makes, she usually ends up being depressed and ruminating about how she should have made another decision. Therefore, she has put herself in a position in the past several years to not make any particularly big decisions, any decisions at all for that matter.

As I have learned that when you are anxious, you must put yourself out there and do things, otherwise you might end up depressed. Many people avoid everything when they are anxious. Instead, I made an effort to through myself through that and confront. Even if I am anxious, I have to push through it and continue to do what I do. You can't live your life in fear. But, of course, not everyone is quite as “enlightened” as I am. HA. So that's what I'm here for, to teach others right? Share my vast knowledge. I am totally kidding, but not entirely. We are all here to share our opinions- they're like assholes, everyone's got one right? Some are just "better" than others. Mine happen to be better. HA.

Anyway, she finally made this decision to put her house on the market. Her house is a gem. It's beautiful and something that she has spent 40 years in. Despite her requests asking me for help with selling her house, I told her that I didn't want to hear anything about it until she acted. I didn't need a play by play, and whenever she talked about it, she would just go back and forth about what she was going to do. This was my way of trying to separate myself from anxious family dynamics- aka Bowen Family Theory.

Finally she put it on the market. I was shocked, to say the least that she did it, but happy because separating herself from the house seemed a good way to help her pick herself up and move forward. Get out of the depression. However, her mental state was not good when she actually received an offer. She was freaking out, couldn't complete a sentence. She was having serious stress attacks. She couldn't make a rational decision, couldn't complete a sentence and couldn't remember stuff.

I still didn't really want to get involved because I felt it was actually her decision. But when she asked me to come to the final sale where she would accept an offer, I would, of course, be there for her. Well, it turns out that the person that was actually making the offer was a neighbor that my mom resented for legitimate reasons. Being stuck in fear, she never said anything to him because she was too worried about what would happen. Oh, maybe he'd sue her if she said something. Anyway, given my headstrong personality, I put in my two cents worth that if she sold to this person, she would be kicking herself forever. The realtor (who was, in my opinion, totally unprofessional and way over emotionally invested in her client- aren't you supposed to be supportive of your client's decisions? She also tried to show my mom all these properties that she didn't want to see but I digress) was telling her it's just business, and she couldn't pass up an offer like that. But she doesn't know my mom that she would sit around kicking herself for the next 20 years because she couldn't live with that person in her house. It was necessary for my mom to stand up for herself and for her feelings. The realtor was totally out of line and continued to push saying that she needed to keep emotions out of it. Well, you know what? Emotions should not be out of it. Plus, it was emotional for her and any normal realtor would have been respectful of that. Instead, the realtor started trying to force her to accept the offer because it was the best offer.

Anyway, I digress, but I got involved and instead of keeping my big mouth shut, I jumped in and told my mom what to do, trying to protect her because I didn't think she would protect herself. Which certainly she did not. But, why is that my problem? Well, I have to be honest and say that I have a personal investment in the house, given that I grew up in it. But I already addressed that with my mom and said it was emotional for me as well. I also felt it was the right thing to sell, but you sell to who you want to sell to. You, as the buyer are in control and no one else is. If someone tries to make you feel bad about that, you fire them! Don't put up with that shit.

Here, you see my forte, my talent. I have a professional and personal nack for advocating for people who are being taken advantage of. I try to teach them by modeling how they should stand up for themselves. Why? Well, because I'm the helper, the care taker, the fucking social worker. When I actually give a shit, or have some personal investment in a person, I get totally sucked into their drama. I guess you could call me the “rescuer”. Well, there's some insight for ya. Isn't that a god damn laugh.

Note: The difference between me and other social worker personality types is that I don't sacrifice myself to take care of others. I am extremely selfish and self-centered and must take care of myself health wise, eating wise, and shopping wise. I am very high maintenance. But, I do it in a different way, I help by modeling. I try to show people how to do things. I behave a certain way in situations and stand up for people because they won't. They like the way that I handle things and learn from it. I point out the flaws in a situation and call people on it. I like being the objective person in the situation and calling people on their dynamics. But then I go a step too far and have a tendency to take over what they “should” be doing (if they're not doing it right). It's great because I'm the care taker, but the sick part is that it works really well. I'll explain in a minute.

So, I help people who don't take care of themselves to take care of themselves. My style is very take charge and I can get mean as hell. When people don't listen, I start barking orders at them and being manipulative so I can get them to do what I want. Well, now you know all my secrets. But, it works for me and it helps other people. The only part I'm going to change is when I get into the pattern of repeating and getting sucked into the vortex. If someone is not ready to help themselves, you can't do a god damn thing for them. That's what happened. I couldn't handle the depression cycle of not being able to make a decision and knowing about the guilt involved in depression, I decided that I needed to intervene.



So, I finally had to set a limit with my mom and needed help to do it. (Someone close to me informed me that watching me in the day long vortex reminded them of me in my last job. Isn't that amusing?) Ultimately, I ended up intervening and telling her that she was not in a rational state of mind (she hadn't even talked to a financial advisor about a budget for a new home and hadn't even looked at apartments, so was completely unprepared to sell her house of 40 years) to make a huge decision and that first she needed to get help (psychological). I also told her that I refused to be involved any more.

With this advice and my backing out, she ended up making the right decision and not selling the house because she wasn't ready. Now, suddenly, she's taking the necessary steps to get prepared before jumping to action. Which is exactly what I told her to do.

So herein lies my problem. In my personal life, people listen to me and end up making the best decisions for themselves ultimately. It's a fucking gift and a curse. It makes me feel unbelievably good that my advice is the right advice (and makes me feel powerful and good about myself) despite all the resistance that I get. But I yell and fight with people, and when they finally listen to me, they actually benefit and feel good about themselves. Then I feel good about myself.

The downside is that I'm the fucking caretaker. And I'm on a high about it. It seems to be beneficial in some respects. However, not all situations are able to be remedied. Like my last job. I seem to think that if I stick to something long enough, I'll be able to cure any fucked up situation or solve any problem. But, realistically, I don't have that power, no one does. We all mind fuck ourselves into thinking we have control. The Buddhist need is right; we need to relinquish some control and remember that none of us really have it, even though we are under the illusion we do. There is huge power in that recognition. This recognition is empowering.

Regardless, we have pieces of our life where we do have control. We tend to cling to those things because it makes us feel good about ourselves. It makes us feel powerful, effective and useful. God dammit, that isn't just me, it's anyone! Why do people do what they are good at? Because they get recognition and in that comes control.

Back to my insight about getting sucked into other peoples' vortex. Maybe this is why I'm supposed to be in disability services. Because I experience this level of frustration with people and I get so invested in them doing better, that eventually they do. They listen to me or look up to me or something. Maybe they don't like it when I get frustrated! Maybe I'm scary. HAHA. I have some sort of effect on people that makes them want to be motivated or to achieve. Being this driven is once again a gift and a curse. It's helpful to others and to myself because I feel good when I'm persistent and it pays off. It's who I am.

This is not to be a narcissistic bitch, just simply to speak the truth. I am really proud of myself right now. It turns out that my intervention actually helped someone feel good about herself. So maybe the vortex wasn't a total waste. Maybe it was? I don't know. I just know that I get sucked into it and won't get out until I get that gratification on the other side! Problem is, that gratification is not always there. It's elusive in some situations, like my last job. Maybe I do have a God complex?. No, I don't think I'm always right, I just think that when I'm really god damn sure I'm right, I make it known and people listen. Then there is benefit for everyone.

I may sound like I'm contradicting myself. But I think we should take advantage of situations where we feel we have control and let go when the situation is too difficult. Just because you practice Buddhism doesn't mean that you have to completely disengage from life. Just means that you don't always have the be the care taker. Also, always remember to be objective and not get sucked into someone else's emotional vortex- be it family or whoever else.

Outro-

Gay men are NOT more sensitive

Whoever said that all gay men are more sensitive has not been around that many gay men. They are probably thinking about the stereotypical 90s version of the gay man- well dressed, metro-sexual looking, well-versed in classical music, art and well-coiffed with the short flip Friends haircut that could not be more perfect if were drawn. Well, since then, the typical “gay male” has expanded somewhat kids. Look around.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a gay male, so I don't claim to be an expert on “gay types”, but I watched a little Will and Grace and have enough friends, so this is where my types list comes from. (I like the disclaimer thing. So just cause I already used it, doesn't mean I can't use it again).

1.Chelsea boys- So, these are the closest types to the stereotypical gay male. Well dressed in head to toe Marc Jacobs or Kenneth Cole, have great jobs and have luxury apartments in Chelsea with their “partners”. These men tend to be more monogamous than others (at least appear to be according to my sources) and sometimes come with an accessory, or as gay men like to call them, “fag hags”, the female who can't get enough of them.
2.The Flamer- This is the gay male who is stereotypical and MORE. He not only happens to conform to the stereotype, but embraces it with a passion. He speaks with an affected British style lisp and has effeminate gestures, tossing his head and hair wildly when he talks. He usually majors in Art History and is involved in the Art world, either as a curator. Usually, these men don't become artists, just like to talk about it.
3.The gym boy narcissists- These are the men who go out to the gym to meet potential mates. They walk around with the idle drop of sweat on their brow, muscles glistening like a body builder, pretending that they aren't staring at themselves in the mirrors. These men are usually way too big, in the sense that they look completely out of proportion, their upper bodies huge, biceps bigger than my head, while their legs appear skinny and disconnected from the rest of them. These men usually have multiple sexual partners, as long as they come in uniforms and are sugar-daddy types. Their relationships usually consist of going to the gym, then going out to dinner, shoving food down as quick as possible so as not to have to carry on a conversation and then going back to his place for a quickie. Everything with these guys is quick, jerky and about them. Their dinner out is more about being seen together as eye candy rather than being together or spending time.
4.The Gay Republicans- usually some crossover between the gym boys and these guys. Although, these ones are not always obvious. Even people with extremely keen gaydar can't necessarily tell the Gay Republican from a straight dude, unless the Gay Republican puts out gaydar. This is a very confusing issue and I'm not sure even gay men get it. These are the men that are often fucking “straight men” who are married with kids, but can't seem to “stop thinking about the “gay republican's bubble butt”. Note - flamers usually hate gay republicans. These men, as it seems evident by their title, are not necessarily sensitive.
5.The movie gay men like in Brokeback mountain – do these men really exist? I don't think so.
6.Priests- they all say they don't do it, but it's been going on in the Catholic church since it's beginnings, not to mention before that- did anyone see the Name of the Rose?

I do want to say that these categories are not 100% definite and there can always be crossover between them, unless they're priests. You're wondering what my point is with this- considering that this is a social work blog right? Why I am giving a run down on gay men.

Give me a second, I'll get there. So, the Flamer and Chelsea boys have been around for a long time. These are the epitome of gay. Now, the gay republican is not as new as you might think (he's been around in politics since the 60s and 70s) while the gym boy came out of the mid-nineties.

Someone in my family is the gay male republican body builder and he drives me nuts. He is absolutely intolerable. Just because he's gay does not make him a good person. My last conversation with him happened about a year and a half ago. Without going into details, he was holding onto all of these things that I apparently, “did to him” when I was 14 and 13. How I didn't fly across the country to go to his college graduation, when I wasn't even in control of that. How I didn't go to the Yarzeit after his mother's funeral because I had to go back to work and how I apparently didn't call him afterwards either. Both of which are bold faced lies and which he admitted were bold faced lies because he was “trying to get back at me”. This is typical behavior. I finally started calling him on his shit- his accusatory phone calls, “WHY HAVEN”T YOU CALLED ME BACK?” after he didn't talk to me for two months and he wouldn't come to my graduation even though I invited him. Basically, it turns out that he tells me that he was trying to get back at me and spite me for everything I had done to him in the past. When I asked what I'd done, it was things from 20 years ago when I couldn't even drive, let alone make my own decisions. I pretty much decided to break this sick cycle that we were in and told him that if he couldn't leave behind the past and move forward, our relationship was futile. He agreed. The next day he did something so intentionally hurtful that it was unforgivable. I called him on it immediately, being very calm, and telling him that it was hurtful. He was smug and seemed really happy, like he finally got back at me. He argued and started bringing up the past again and I told him to fuck off. He did all this stuff to me intentionally. And he wouldn't stop either. What's the purpose of having someone in your life that makes everything your fault and you can't break the cycle with them no matter what you do.

So, I get a text from him today saying “hi stranger, just hoping you are well”. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT? First, it's as if it's my fault that we haven't spoken and that he's taking the higher road.

I feel torn. Between obligation and between pure hatred. There are no redeeming qualities about this person. He has nothing to offer, no love, no giving, no spirit. He uses everything that you give him to manipulate you or to dig up shit on you and twist it to his advantage. He even admits to this. Then, when you address him on any of his behavior, he brings up that 5 years ago, you didn't call on his mother's anniversary of her death (which again is a bold faced lie), or that 10 years ago, you didn't come to his soccer game because you were off at a tennis match. Dude, let it the fuck go. How old are you?

So, even if he did do all these things. He still offers nothing. I don't even know who he is! He asks all this information about me and what I'm doing, drilling me with question after question and not even waiting for the whole answer. But instead of giving something back or talking about what's going on with him, he is dead silent. He doesn't talk about anything. “How's work?” “Fine”. “How was the party last night?” “Fine”. “Where was it?” “Chelsea”. “What did you do?” “Jesus, why the third degree?” But he's allowed to drill me with questions all day. WHAT THE FUCK- once again hypocrisy.

Again, my problem. As a person who wants to break cycles and open up communication with people in my family, they just perpetuate their cycles with me. Instead of opening up communication, I find out the truth about why they do what they do, but then, they cut off because I call them on their shit. I'm also engaging in the cutting off because I don't want anything to do with them. They won't apologize, even if I do (for what I should apologize for) and they won't move on. In communication, it always takes two people to want to communicate. If there is one that doesn't want to move forward, forget it.

Basically, I think that it's important to say that just because we are social workers does not mean that we have to take it upon ourselves to be the martyr. I don't have to communicate perfectly- I can get mad and have fights and argue with people and tell them to fuck off. This is part of being human. Even if I make a better attempt than most to communicate openly, I gave my damnedest and I'll leave it at that. I don't have to keep going back and asking for more abuse. Fuck it.

So, I think we need to be who we are in our personal lives. There is no reason for us to try and do things differently just because we are social workers. As long as we know what the right thing to do is, we don't always have to do it. This may sound like hypocrisy to you. I think that as long as we “try” to communicate effectively in our personal lives (which I do), just because someone is not receptive to us doesn't mean that we have to keep banging our head against the wall. In other words, this is our job. Just like a mediator. Mediators might know how to communicate effective, but as my teacher said, she doesn't have to be perfect at home- she likes to fight with people! Good for her. She's not throwing them against the wall or hitting them, but, she's fighting.

HYPOCRISY!

Hypocrisy!

After my last entry, I understand why the whole thing about idiot compassion is so obnoxious to me. There is nothing worse than a hypocrite. Someone who is so unbelievably not self aware, that they actually criticize you for exactly what they are doing.

To once again quote the wise, if stupid words of Alanis Morisette, isn't it ironic?

The 275 pounder who are out to dinner with talking about how caesar salad is really bad for you (that's what you are eating, with the dressing on the side), while they proceed to finish off their entire hamburger with cheese and mayo (dripping out of the corners of their mouth) along with a heaping pile of french fries, not to mention the fact that they already feasted on buffalo wings as an appetizer. Or then, they start criticizing you because you are not eating enough. Right, like I'm going to listen to eating advice from Jaba the Hut.

Or the people who tell you that you are crazy for running a marathon (now, I am crazy and I don't mind hearing this from people who are also running or who are trying to be in shape. In other words, those who don't look like Kirstie Alley pre-Jenny Craig). And that running is really bad for your knees and that it can be addictive. This comes out of one side of the mouth while you snicker and think, “yeah, I guess it's better to weigh three hundred pounds because that really helps your heart, knees and back”. At times, I wonder, “is she for real?” she can't possibly mean that, while at others, I begin to wonder, they really are for real and they can't look in the mirror.

Or, the DV clients who go back to their abusive boyfriends over and over, but tell everyone else in group, “he's bad for you. He's never gonna change”. Are you for real?

One of my other favorite examples of hypocrisy, on a more global level is the priests who judge homosexuals like they aren't getting any themselves. Or the underground gay republicans, or the people who tell everyone else how they are so judgmental, meanwhile they can't listen to anything non-judgmental. Or the students at my social work program who complained about the two Republican students who were in the school and how they thought it was so inappropriate for Republicans to be in social work. Dude, whatever- who the fuck cares, is it really your problem? It might be a bit unorthodox and fucked up, but how can you, in the next breath sit there and talk about how you are so open-minded and wave signs to Save Darfur.

These people, who consider themselves high and mighty over all other earthly beings must have some secret we don't know about. If they do, where do I get some of that cluelessness? I'd love to be totally not self aware and self-conscious. Apparently it would make me a better person, or at least not have to worry about anything. After all, in reference to my Paris Hilton article, ignorance is bliss.

I have no problem taking advice from people who are actually well adjusted and practice what they are preaching. In fact, I have no problem taking advice from people who are open about their own issues. But when the tell you about your eating or exercise habits when they are clearly not practiced (to put it kindly- to put it unkindly they look like Carnie Wilson in the second Wilson Phillips cover- I love how they would always dress her in black and hide her behind the two other girls).

This does lead back to therapy. Now, if I went to treatment for alcoholism or drug abuse, I wouldn't necessarily need a clinician who was in recovery, simply someone who looked like they took care of themselves. If you want to get well, wouldn't you want a helping professional who took care of themselves, brushed their teeth every day, showered and took some pride in their personal appearance? Well, I would. But that doesn't mean that meth addicts would care. However, in the past, presenting as a well groomed person has brought a lot of benefit to clients. For example, when you do job development with clients, they like your outfit, so they want to go shopping for more “professional” clothes. This is great- you rubbed off on someone as a mentor to inspire them to want to be more professional. If this same client had a teacher who looked unattractive and was ugly, would it be the same? Would the client aspire to be a better person, to dress better and maybe do their hair for the interview? If not, the client runs a risk of not getting the job. Because part of doing well is looking well.

Think about the story (can't remember her name) about the woman who set up a facade real-estate office. She hired actors/temps to sit in and pretend they were really busy, paid thousands of dollars for designer furniture and did a whole bunch of other things to make the office and her business look high powered and important. Sure enough, she tapped into some really rich clients and became a high paid real-estate agent in New York. Sometimes, it pays to look the part- our culture pays very close attention to physical appearance and I am a strong believer in Lillian Glass' statement that if there are people in your life who are (not necessarily unattractive, but obviously don't take care of themselves), they may very well be toxic. Stepping this up and considering that helpers may be toxic is pretty traumatizing. It's almost as bad as getting advice from a fat person that you should stop exercising so much because marathon training is bad.

So, if a helping professional can't stand up for themselves, set limits or boundaries with clients, yet tells clients to set boundaries isn't it the same thing? I think so. If we can't practice what we preach, what the FUCK are we doing in this industry. Now, I'm not saying that we need to be perfect. You've already heard my feelings and perception on that. I'm simply saying that in order to be effective helpers, we should look at ourselves and what we are projecting, because god dammit, how likely is it that clients will listen to a person with diabetes telling them to lose weight. Or someone in an abusive relationship to leave their abusive partner. Or a shlumpy person telling someone to “clean up” their act. But, if we are able to admit our own weaknesses with the client, maybe that would be more helpful. Ya think?

So in other words, recognizing that we all have our downfalls and being able to talk openly about them, or use them to assist clients. So, a clinician with a weight problem could say to a client, “don't be like me” or make some joke to at least acknowledge their downfall. We must be self-aware to know what the fuck is going on in therapy, in order to understand the dynamic between the client and ourselves. The recognition that what we are about to say may be considered “hypocritical” may be effective.

Now, you naïve social workers, this is not to say that you should go spilling your guts out to any client who will listen and utilize their therapy for your own (keep in mind the social work students using their class as a therapy session).

Here is an example of something that I believe is a useful way to use oneself in the therapy process. Part of our group process was to teach nutrition and healthy behaviors. Now, if you look at some of our clients, why in god's name would they take one look at me and listen to me about nutrition. I said in my team meeting, “why would any of my clients listen to my skinny ass telling them to get in shape and exercise”. Well, apparently, this wasn't really funny and no one understood, except my supervisor brushed over it telling me it was part of the curriculum. So, I needed to find a way to get people to hear me. So, I said the same to my clients before the group. “So there is no reason that you guys have to listen to my skinny ass tell you about nutrition, but it's part of the curriculum, so maybe you'll learn something today that ya didn't know”. This broke the ice for a lot of people and they were much more comfortable. This is an example of self use that can be effective.

So, ultimately, this is my problem with hypocrisy in both personal and professional life. Hopefully we all learned something today.

DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH FAT PEOPLE. Chris Farley is one of my favorite people in the world. There are hundreds of wonderful fat people out there. Apparently I just have a lot of examples of fat people who live in some distorted world and look in the mirrors from the carnival that stretch them out. These are the people who talk about their diets incessantly but never lose any weight. The people like my supervisor who need to take every opportunity to say how her kickboxing classes are really getting her in shape, even though “the scale doesn't reflect my effort”. Isn't it embarrassing for someone to say shit like that? In public? If I were fat, I would exploit myself and defend my fatness. Be proud of it! But ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist is unethical and a problem.

IDIOT COMPASSION AND CHICKEN POX

IDIOT COMPASSION AND CHICKEN POX

I LOVE IT! So, even Buddhists call people idiots! This is the greatest news I've heard all day! Since my morose listing this morning, I have made an effort to turn my day around and stay out of my head Things are better, as long as I stay present and don't ask myself what if based upon the past (thinking leads me into anxiety, because my expectations are anxiety ridden). One of the things I did today was to spend some time meditating and reading a chapter of The Things that Scare Us.

I have been filling my head with the need to project maitri (loving kindness) on everything, because energy is a part of the universe. First, I can't do this yet (as I bet even Pema has a hard time with it). It's really hard to project positive love on everyone you hate and I'm going to say that 50% of the Buddhists who say they can do this can't really do it 100%. I am simply trying to project positive love on myself. That's hard enough. Once I've got that down, I'll let you know how it goes when I start projecting it on others.

However, Pema also says that there is such a thing as going too stupid with this. In other words, the idiot compassionate. The people who wish love on everyone to the detriment of themselves and decide that everyone but them is important. Those who think life is about placating others, avoiding conflict and being a martyr. While I may recognize that these people are suffering, I definitely do not have the ability to cast loving kindness upon them. That takes a serious practiced Bodhhissatva warrior.

I do, however, have the ability to shut these people out and choose not to be a part of their idiot compassion, or try to take care of them. And that's okay thanks to Pema. While I can wish them well, I don't have to include them in my life or let them affect my energy flow.

This idiot compassion is too much for me. This represents most of the social work community. I have decided that there is something seriously wrong with social workers. We all know of people like this, and the majority happen to be in the helping professions. These people drive me up a fucking wall because they won't take care of themselves. My tendency is to try to yell at them to take care of themselves. How's that for irony? I get pissed off when others don't take care of themselves, and there for a while, I fell into the trap of taking care of everyone but myself (look where it left me?). This is not a useful skill. It does not make us healthy and it does not make us good helping professionals. It's okay to be a natural helper, but a martyr is a whole different story.

For example, a few weeks ago, I was at an event where there was a long line around a huge square table with post sporting activities food laid out. This was not a buffet style meal, it was junk food-potato chips, cookies etc. There were huge gaps at the table where no one was, but for some reason everyone was waiting in line. Well, I simply wanted one cookie, which I could see from where I was and went to grab it. My friend later left our group for a few minutes and was gone for a while. Everyone thought she went to the bathroom, and she had been waiting in line. A few of us were like, “honey, just go grab a cookie”. She continued to make excuses for herself about how she wasn't hungry anyway and we were leaving soon to get breakfast anyway. I was like, “whatever, suit yourself” and walked up to the table to get another cookie for myself. Sure enough she wanted a little bit. I wouldn't give it to her though because I told her to get her own. What that fuck is this? Get your own god damn cookie! No one in line cared- the people who were waiting in line were getting plates and picking up a little bit of everything.

Martyrs go on a scale. There are some people who are tolerable, and others who seriously are asking to be put on a cross because of all of their good doing (as if it's really do-gooding and not enabling). I have learned early on in social work that we cannot change people who don't want to change. We cannot force people to do anything that they don't want to do. But watching other people take care of everyone but themselves while at the same time, making it seem like they've got everything under control are almost as fun as Cruella DeVille on her period.

A total martyr (further down the spectrum) would be described as someone who tells dramatic tales of self-sacrifice- everything from how her boyfriend, K-Fed, who has 3 kids (from different moms) decorates his house with beer cans and accessories such as dirty, unemployed roommates who do a lot of drugs. She will spend hours bitching about how she had to go over there and clean the place up and babysit (even though they supposedly broke up). She will tell dramatic stories about people putting her in the middle of everything and brag about how she was the first to know about so and so get married. She will wait for you to tell a story, and share sixty similar stories to one up you. In the meantime, you will never know anything about him or her personally. I wonder if they notice that they never have anything to say about themselves because they spend so much time involved in other people's problems, or if they actually recognize that they avoid talking about themselves because they don't like themselves.

I have decided that the reason this irritates me so much is that it has been my job to get people to want to help themselves. I also personally don't like people who sit and bitch about everything but their own problems and they piss me off. Moreover, I like being able to make an impact on people's life, or provide motivation for them. This is not to feel self- important, but simply something that I would like to impart to people. This does not mean that I am always working, but that I feel that relationships should be mutual. Not one sided or self-sacrificing. People who complaint that their boyfriends leave them at home with their kids while the boys go out drinking every night are a problem. They don't deserve anyone to listen to their whining because they're not going to do anything about it anyway. This is why I could never work with people who have domestic violence problems. I don't like them.

I realize that people who don't want to help themselves are not going to and nothing that I say will make a difference with them. This does not mean that everyone understands how to help themselves. For example, for people with DD, they can't necessarily pick up and help themselves if they don't know the skills. It's like this for a lot of people. But for other people, they just really don't want to help themselves. They just like to sit around and listen to themselves bitch about EVERYBODY that sucks. Everything from their deadbeat boyfriends to the fact that so and so went to a loud concert when she was pregnant. In the meantime, this person sits and shoves happy meals down like a professional hot dog eater. Of all people to be giving advice and passing judgment! Anything to avoid talking about themselves or their own issues.

Even better, these people always make you feel bad. It wouldn't be so bad if they kept their own self hatred from bubbling up and splattering diarrhea all over you, but they are rarely capable of such a feat. Instead, when you haven't seen them in a while because you haven't called and they call you and email you and you don't get back to them right away, they call you and leave a message like, “why didn't you get back to me?” Whenever you call them, however, they have no problem never returning your phone call. Moreover, if they do call back, they love to run out your voicemail about all the reasons that they can't get together next week. A simple, “busy week” would suffice. After all, I WAS only calling you because I knew I would get ripped a new asshole if I didn't. These are martyrs, evil self-sacrificing people who, somehow couple with my own personality to pick an open wound. Disgusting.

The problem that I have is that I don't necessarily hate these people, but I search and search to find out what I did wrong that is causing their behavior. I take it upon myself to think that I was the cause of all the issues that they had, when really it was the situation. Then, I hurt myself thinking of all the possibilities of what was up with them. So, I let them in and I am hurt.

The goal with these people is to set boundaries. You don't have to be friends with someone to wish them love or wish on them the ability to find self-insight and friendliness towards oneself. I know that usually people who are problems usually have problems. I also know that I am a judgmental person. But, Pema says that we are not martyrs or people who lack judgment, but simply people who can recognize it and not let it get locked up or stuck in a cycle of drama, which is the challenge. It is very difficult to continue to channel boddhichitta, or emptiness while thinking of enemies or people who have deeply hurt you. Or who just piss the hell out of you and make you feel like you just escaped from a fraternity rush party (covered in vomit and sprinkles).

Let me list a few characteristics of the idiot compassion that Pema speaks of:
1.self-sacrifice
2.gossiping about other people behind their backs without an equal balance of talking about yourself
3.no sense of self-deprecating humor about self (if you're going to spend half your time bitching about other people- like me, it makes you a lot more likable if you can recognize that you've got some fucking issues too! At least, I think so.
4.Constantly telling everyone else what to do while avoiding or being unreceptive to feedback.
5.Complaining about everyone else's problems without any kind of self inclusion or examination
6.blaming or externalizing
7.bitching and never changing or doing anything about it
8.getting overly wrapped up in everyone else's drama
9.being indirect or manipulative

It is important to recognize that there are some people out there, like the first example I gave about the girl and her food, that have the ability to look at themselves. People who are passive, but are willing to look at themselves and be self reflective are not martyrs or do not piss me off as bad as people who are not willing to look at themselves. Maybe this is because I spend so much time looking at myself, I expect that everyone do the same! HA It's all about me after all right? No, it's because they recognize what their traits are and their not closed off or trying to take all the information that you give them and turn it against you.

Anyway, I have been surrounded by too many people who cannot take care of themselves and I'm not going to take care of them either. Therefore, my job was a position where it was a standard not to take care of yourself. From my martyr coworker who would say, “I'll be in on Sunday to catch up on my work”. Um, fuck you? Why would you come in to catch up on work that you can't seem to get done during the week? You are not paid to come in on the weekend and there is no reason to do that aside from telling everyone about it first to be a martyr. Anyone who has to catch up on work on Sunday does not need to announce it to the whole team before they do it in a three person office. It's not like they couldn't just do it and if someone asked, tell them later. But there is NO REASON aside from trying to gain credit to talk about it.

Enough beating of a dead horse. This entry is essentially about my closing off this chapter in my life. I refuse to engage with people like this until I have figured out how to handle them and have surrounded myself with enough positive people to counterbalance these old negative influences. And I've been backed up by Pema! Just because I can't deal with a person doesn't mean that I can't unplug from them. Unplugging is okay. For all of us. It's okay to protect ourselves instead of letting this contageous self-sacrificing behavior suck you in. It's like a fucking case of chicken pox. If you let your kid go play with the neighbor kid who has it, he gets it and then it spreads like the plague (much to the joy of the parents, until one of their kids has a severe case and ends up on life support).

Side note: I always thought this as kind of evil of parents. They would try to be all sly and say, “oh honey, go over to Jared's house”. And you would ask why because they never let you go over there before, plus he's go all sorts of sores on his face. What's wrong with him? “Oh nothing, honey, those are just zits”. Too bad were too young to know what's really going on. Then, we go over to Jared's and Jared is in bed with Calamine lotion all over and we can't play with him anyway. So, we tell his parents and they just tell us to go sit next to Jared on the bed. “But I don't wanna! He's got zits! It's gross”. But you do anyway. Then about an hour later after you've been forced to use Jared's toothbrush and wear his underwear, you can go home, only to get zits yourself a week later. Only these zits are painful and itch so badly you can't even sit on the toilet seat, all the while your evil parents tap their fingers together and breath a sigh of relief. That's just wrong.

Tomorrow, I'll get back to the tools you can use to find support while in social work. I'll talk a bit about Therapists: The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back.

Eye on the ball

So, it's been a busy week in a good way.

I've been moving things forward despite continuing anxiety. The biggest challenge is to remain non-biased and judgmental towards myself. Just because I'm anxious about something doesn't mean that I have to call myself an incapable idiot for not being able to handle it. When anxiety is a problem, it comes at expected events (which is the worst about it). You know that it's self-fulfilling, but you don't know how to make it not happen. So instead, you struggle against it and then succeed in making it worst. Also, for me, it's with stuff that I'm used to being able to do, no problem. This, in turn, creates shame (which is not just a river in denial... oh wait, wrong joke) and anger towards myself. Instead of battling anxiety, the Anxiety Cure suggests inviting the fear into your home. This way, eventually, the fear of fear might eventually dissipate. If you treat it nicely, it becomes better.

For example, this week, I have been doing things that push my comfort zone such as speaking up in a class and attending discussion groups. These activities help repeatedly expose me to a situation where there is anxiety in order to reduce it. Now, I feel a general level of calm speaking in class and being the center of attention that way.

I've also accomplished a lot of things this week business wise. It's important, for me, as being anxious, to calm myself down and not try to do everything at once, however. Once I start something, I usually go gung ho on it. Right now, I need to make sure to take a day for meditation and self-reflection. I have been repeatedly exposing myself to anxiety provoking situations all week and forget to give myself a break. I am used to being full throttle, but must remind myself to take it easy. And be okay that I have to do that.

I also have to remember how much time it took for me to get to this level of stress and be patient with myself for recovery.

Oh, and anyone whose dealing with anxiety should definitely have some Kava Root. I swear to God I felt stoned and really good during highly anxiety provoking situations. Still panicky, but not nearly as bad as without Kava.

So, I have been taking a mediation class which has been exciting for several reasons. First off, mediation is all about direct communication. There are two fundamental principles why people have conflict.
A: people don't know how to communicate directly
B: people have a need to be right

Well, these things seem to be obvious. In my case, I happened to be in a situation where my supervisor not only had to be right, but she didn't have a “right”. Her “right” was to make sure that I was wrong. It didn't matter what it was. She did this using ineffective communication, not giving feedback and shaming me- giving me the smug smile and the knowing glance and judging me conspiracy style until it drove me out of the workplace. It's difficult to explain these things to people who don't really understand why you would get “burnt out”. I've decided it's futile. These things don't just cause burnout and complete loss of faith in a field and in a career path, but in your own abilities. My situation was abusive. I was never one person to admit or say that I was a victim. I have never been a victim and I usually blame myself for everything. I have decided that this is a blame situation of someone else. This was not my fault (remember Matt Damon scene- for me the repetition reminds me that it was not my fault- even though I have to deal with the residual consequences). I tried everything, worked as hard as I could and there was not anything that I could do to change an abusive situation at work. Just because it's dysfunctional doesn't mean that you alone can fix it. It's too much, unless there's some way to separate yourself from it.

That's why it's so important for other social workers to recognize the early signs of abuse and burnout when you see them. Again, you need to protect yourselves, especially if you understand what's happening and the process. Those of you who don't know, like I said in “I Love Paris”, ignorance is bliss.

Second of all, I also learned in mediation class (interesting that I learn more in mediation class in 2 days than I learned in 2 years of social work classes), that people act based upon threats posed to the 5 human needs as defined by Maslow's five needs.

A)food and shelter
B)belongings
C)self esteem
D)Self actualization
E)Growth

If any of these needs are threatened, people get into conflict, and most people are conflict-avoidant. Interesting. I guess I was always just assuming that people would talk about conflict, but as I've matured, no one talks about conflict. The attitude is to avoid conflict. But usually, with some sort of explosion following the passive aggression. A blow up. Unfortunately, there was no blow up- I never busted out of work, they never yelled at me. Once in a while, a fight is a good thing, otherwise, someone's gotta absorb the tension – as suggested by Murray Bowen (Family Systems Theory).

So, my own needs that were threatened were a sense of belonging and self-esteem. I wasn't worried about losing my job, although I did think about it sometimes. I wondered what the looks were all about, the private meetings called with everyone but me outside of the team meeting, the fact that I never received emails. It would have been nice to hear that I did something, instead, there was this uncomfortable silence that was deafening and traumatizing. But, the loss of food and shelter was not something that concerned me. I would just get another job if I was fired. What I would be fired for is confusing. I was more concerned about a sense of belonging. It's really important for me to experience connectedness with my colleagues at work. This does not mean that I'm incapable of making a simple decision without guidance from a supervisor, but that when I make a decision, I expect to be supported and not undermined. Moreover, when I was told it was my decision, and then my supervisor decided it was hers, that was even better. Let me tell you one thing and do another. Obviously, the lack of fairness and the singling out of me, but not talking about it, was a way to keep me from feeling a sense of belonging. Also, always eliciting concerns from me and taking advantage of my trying to learn and my vulnerability, making me feel that I was the only one who was still learning because she already knew everything was another way of making feel like I didn't belong. Or, me expressing my high level of stress was another way that she secretly smiled as she knew secretly she was getting to me. So, all of the positive communication skills that I know, being honest and transparent, were all lost on her, the emotional 275 lb clam, as she used them as weapons against them, more of an opportunity for her to withhold and make me feel left out. .

More importantly, my self-esteem was threatened, not only threatened, but taken away from me. Of course, this was voluntarily, we are all responsible for keeping ourselves safe. This is what is so difficult to rebuild and takes a lot of practice. In fact, it takes so much practice that I have to give myself constant reassurance and positive self-talk all day long in order to maintain. Like any other skill, I would imagine this is something that the more you practice, the better you get at it.

Well, I learned things about myself from the experience, which was self-actualization. But my growth was threatened- this is why I left finally. Because I was no longer learning anything from my work, I was simply abusing myself.

I always wonder what my supervisor was going through. I can't mind read. So I have some theories about what was threatened for her, but I don't care. And trying to figure it out is futile and I don't need to create more anxiety for myself. All I know is that it hurt me a lot and left a lasting hurt on me in the form of chronic anxiety.

Trying to move forward and move on is getting easier from her. But I still suffer from anxiety about doing so. I experience self doubt all the time, even with moving forward. One of my hugest fears is being put in the center of attention and made to look like an asshole, feeling ashamed. What if I humiliate myself. I was recently reminded that my shame was put on me, not something that I need to put on myself. I already feel singled out enough. Having anxiety to this degree is another form of it. Anxiety tricks you into thinking that you are the only one who has it- panic. Or that your panic is somehow different than someone else's. So you feel unworthy or separate from society.

My anxiety started suddenly when I was starting a group. It was horrible and I have no idea what happened to me. Apparently, this is how it starts. Therefore, every time I have to make an entrance or begin a speech, I'm panicked. It's scary to think that I have to go into class next week and do two more “role plays”. I'm fine when I have to play a non-mediation role, but when I'm facilitating and the attention is on me, I'm scared shitless, especially when I know about it in advance. Thinking about it, I get more anxious, and meetings that should be fun feel more like dead ends or huge insurmountable obstacles.

Moreover, if I ignore the problem or try to push it aside, out of my head, it gets worse. Instead, I have to take time, do things repeatedly to take care of it. It's like if you have bronchitis and you don't take care of it, it gets worse. Honestly, I wish I could take a pill and get rid of it, but I don't think that would work either. Kava helps, but doesn't completely get rid of it. The hardest thing is acceptance. I can accept that I have anxiety, but not that I have panic, especially if I have the ability to control the way I think about it to alleviate it.

Now, here I am, wishing that none of this had ever happened. That this past year would just melt away, that I could just be normal again. Instead, I have to go about it as accepting my limitations and working “around them”. Accepting that I can't necessarily be excited about things that I used to love because it's intimidating to do them. Not that I won't do them, just simply that they are difficult. I guess it's sort of like understanding that you have a disability, except it's frustrating because anxiety feels more like a self-imposed struggle. I have to keep reminded myself that it's not.

So, as you can tell, I'm feeling kind of sorry for myself again today. That means that I haven't meditated in three days. I have been in a class, which was really difficult for me. Just going was the feat, then doing a role play and anticipating another for next week. I am moving forward, but I'm scared and anxious as hell. I keep thinking, one thing at a time. Baby steps, stay present, don't think ahead. POT! It takes me a day to come back to the present and it takes a LOT of work.

Also, I reschedule an appointment today that I had scheduled last week because my anxiety felt really unmanageable yesterday. Instead of being in a mindset that I can handle it, I am calm, I have the ability to experience happiness and the root of all that is happiness, I was thinking of it as a panic. I feel totally guilty about this. Just spoke with the woman who I am supposed to meet and rescheduled the meeting for two days out. She made me feel at ease and it reminded me that she really needs me and wants to meet with me. This is not a huge evaluation or something to panic about. I need to meditate on the present.

More funny shit later- this was depressing, but I needed to get it out. Need to do some meditations. And Keep my Eye on the ball- meaning staying present. The Swayambunath eyes always remind me of the importance of staying present. They're so intense and colorful and beautiful, and all seeing. Boddhichitta-emptiness and spaciousness.