Relapse- check in

So, it's been a long time.

It's so interesting how when things start progressing and moving forward how we are so likely to begin the cycle once again of neglecting ourselves. Or at least it is for me. I realized that I stopped monitoring my anxiety in my calendar, stopped making it a ritual for yoga again, stopped talking honestly to anyone about my anxiety. Stopped talking to my blog, which is more important for developing insight that any other outlet I have ever discovered. While I have been “productive”, I find myself needing to stop and take a check in on just how productive I am being.

Yes, I am an overachiever, and yes I tend to try and get everything done RIGHT NOW. With my work, this is very effective for running your own business. I feel good and balanced about what I am doing. I am relieved to know that I am staying in social work and working with people with disabilities. However, I always have fleeting doubts about whether I am capable of handling it. Am I strong enough anxiety wise to manage this job. On the other hand, I am also reminded that I have an amazing ability to relate to people with DD. I just connect with disabilities for some reason. Maybe it's because I have one myself- anxiety is something I am able to use in my work with people. I'm able to use myself in my pro-active so much more. In fact, if I don't use myself, that's when it doesn't work. I have been able to stay present in building a business. But it built up so quickly. That's part of the reason I haven't been writing.

But there's always a reason to write. It's necessary to monitor my anxiety. It's necessary to make sure the disconnectedness doesn't come back. It's necessary to check yourself before you wreck yourself G. It's necessary to maintain my ability to stay present without falling back into feelings of lack of control and panic related to initial meetings with friends, especially.

It's interesting that having an anxiety disorder and recognizing it is really like going through a 12 step program. First, accept that you have the anxiety. Accept is as part of yourself. Accept that no matter what you do, even if you are anxious, is as good as you can and you don't always need to do better or outdo others. It's interesting because in the work that I do now, I don't feel that need. It's refreshing. I do good enough for my clients. I was proud of myself, because last week, I got so busy that I forgot a meeting with a new brokerage. Instead of stressing it all weekend, I sent out an email to apologize, called the woman first thing Monday and apologized and rescheduled. Instead of babbling out a lying excuse, like some substance abuse client would (OMG I couldn't get to treatment today because I took a mental health day), I simply explained that I overbooked myself and forgot. She was TOTALLY cool about it.

What' I realize is that brokerage systems are constantly reminding me that I don't have to be perfect. In fact, I make top dollar as a contractor because my notes are great, I stay on top of stuff, I get great feeback from clients. People consider me professional and extremely capable of relating to a variety of people. I met my last two new clients last week and they both really liked me. They were happy to work with me, they trusted me and apparently, one of them doesn't trust anyone. I DON'T have to be perfect. The only people that demand things of me are the job development clients. In fact, I am considering dropping one of them and have been extremely direct with one's case manager because I know she is drinking. I know because I did that. I'm not interested in dealing with someone who isn't serious and it's not my fucking problem. I don't want anything to do with substance abuse. At this point, tis a forever statement. It's not necessary, I don't want it, I'm not a fucking sick ass psychopath who doesn't care about myself and is so self-deprecated to be manipulated by sick fuckers who can't stop using meth but won't even admit that they use it. I'm not interested in the bullshit lies that go along with it. The great thing about my current position is that I don't have to. I can drop whoever whenever I want. And the great thing is the because I am doing what I do (a niche), they need me. I'm professional, I'm unique and I'm able to use my personality.

This is really important to me. I would rather be on my own and working with a population who isn't trying to one up you and figure you out with everything they do than work with a bunch of fucking losers who will do anything to keep the attention off themselves. Fuck that. People with disabilities have real problems that come as a result of something they have to endure rather than some other shit that someone put on them. With them, it's themselves they struggle with. It's not everyone else's fault. I don't deal well with everyone else's fault. FUCK YOU. You did something to end up here bitch.

Not that it's a big deal, but I also get to wear whatever. I can act as a model to others as far as behavior rather than a lack of identity social worker. I have heard repeatedly that I am an inspiration to people and that I am making a difference, I am helping. This is so refreshing. That's why I started this. I didn't start it to become a martyr or self-abuse. I also didn't start it to become God. I started it because you notice little differences in people's quality of life when you become a part of it. I must just have that gift. I don't think it's something to have to get into my head, just a recognition. If I connect with someone, I can impact their lives.

There's a distinction that needs to be made here. When I'm a social worker, I have to maintain a personal and professional identity. I can do that as LONG as everyone at the agency is doing it too and I am supported in doing this. However, I can't do it as the odd man out. Now, when I go to an interview and wear a hat, skinny jeans, a tank, jacket and a scarf, I am told that it's to benefit the client because it makes them feel like I am funky and cool. This benefits the client because people with DD also need someone they can look up to. In fact, I landed a client because she liked heels and I talked to her about my own heel obsession.

Anyway, these are the positives. I need to remember them too. I'm kind of all over the place today. However, it's important to continue to MONITOR myself. When I stop, I lost focus. I can't see my protective shield. I start worrying about nervous energy. I start judging myself. I start arguing with others and feel unsupported. I have to support myself. I have to let all this shit out on the computer. I have to blog. It's important to continue to be sane for me. There are many things that I need for my anxiety. I have identified meditation as one. Yoga was one before summer hit and I'm in the middle of a 100 degree heat wave. WTF- who would want to go to Bikram yoga in 100 degree heat? I'm not that crazy.

It's okay when I can't do everything. I need to recognize that I have chosen to train for a marathon right now. That is hugely time consuming. I HAVE to run. This is obviously an irrational belief. I don't have to. However, there are consequences if I don't get in the mileage. I am extremely strong right now. I feel great. I have no injuries. I'm recovering quickly. My 50k is in 3 weeks, marathon is in 8, other 50k is 4weeks after that. I'll qualify for my maniac title and retire for a while in the running department. Not really, just SLOW DOWN. It's okay to miss an art class. It's okay to miss a meditation at Saturday at 8am. I can sleep in. I go every Wednesday. It's important for me to force myself to sit from time to time. It slows me down and makes me feel normal. I have the ability to stay present.

My assignment from my therapist was to mess up. I'm practicing being more human instead of worrying about someone's completely inhuman expectations of me. Sometimes, I still feel anger towards her as a trigger person. But I know what I would do now. Even though I'm sure I would be in full panic while doing it.

I like that my panic is now situational rather than random. Triggers include thinking that I see someone who looks like my dad, seeing someone (a friend or business venture- anyone for a meeting). Anticipation causes anxiety. However, only at times. For example, I got really anxious Thursday when meeting 2 potential clients. However, Friday, I had an interview with a new company and I didn't panic. When I am active, busy or when the focus is not solely on me. I feel like I am better at being myself once settled into a situation. I am connected. However, I have flashes sometimes, like “what if” it comes back? What if it gets worse again?

I know I'm doing my calling for work. I also know that the last 3 weeks have been a great universal connection where I have been busting my ass trying to get “everything done”. I'm not really sure what that means, but I know what pressures me. I need to have everything “done” before I can relax. I don't really understand if that's little errands or whatever. It varies from day to day. Maybe my anxiety is a biological issue too. I wake up some mornings feeling HIGHLY anxious. I take Kava. I'm still highly anxious. However, other days, I wake up and I'm highly relaxed. On a plane. I feel calm as a Hindu cow. Maybe it has something to do with my activities, but I think it's more existing already.

When I'm highly anxious, one beer will relax me where I'm right myself. I can be focused. This is better than before, but I'd prefer it not so at all. But even if it is, that's okay. It's okay to just be. When I stop worrying about what's going on where, I feel more grounded. I think that writing really helps. Just express it when it comes up, and deal. There might need to be a structured blog time. Maybe every Saturday for an hour. I'll come to a bar, get a beer and write. It's therapeutic and might help with some of the anticipatory anxiety that I feel. Completely unrelated, but makes me centered. Let's me be more aware of myself.

There are so many thoughts that I have, I realize this is a long and somewhat disjointed post. It's because I haven't been checking in with myself weekly. It's amazing the insight that you can have just by writing for a while.

Triggers: maybe running into anyone who I have some highly charged energy about- old friendships that ended, dad, old boss. Anxiety about looking stupid to people. This is something important. It's important to use my protective shield. No one is here to hurt me. I know when they are, I use my intuition and kick them out of my life. I have a close protective circle that I can relax into. I need to call friends, even thought I don't have the time. I don't have to be a perfect worker. I can talk to friends on my trips to and from my Wednesdays. I have resources, I just need to use them.

The blog especially.
Peace