The Merry Go Round of Crazy

Here we go again on the crazy merry go round. The crazy merry go round. When the fuck do we ever just get the fuck off?

Yes, here I am, totally wound tight as a bow string. And this time, things at work are GREAT. Everyone tells me that I'm doing a phenomenal job. All I get is GOOD feedback from not only clients but from people at agencies that I contract through. I apparently am doing a kick ass job. Of course I am, I'm busting my fucking ass. Working as fucking hard as anyone could fucking work. Here I go, I feel an “asshole” comment coming on. I'm an asshole! Why the fuck do I need to work so hard to prove myself? And now, that I already proved myself? I continue to do it?

I know I am on the right path career wise. I feel that innately, and implicitly. I know I'm doing the right thing and all signs around me on the magic 8-ball are pointing to yes. However, the crazy merry go round is back. Someone should write a book on it. It's the fucking ride of your life. And you just put one foot on it, and think you can get off, which you could, but for some reason, you just watch yourself unable to remove yourself. As if your fucking feet are duck-taped to one of those god damn little benches with the psycho ducks that you can ride. I never understood why they put ducks on the merry go rounds. No one rides a duck. You go on a merry go round to ride a horse.

Anyway, I digress, I'm swept away by the merry go round and it's like some crazy carnie amped up on meth won't let me off the ride. I can totally see myself on the ride though, I'm totally aware of what I'm doing, but somehow I can't get off until I feel totally overwhelmed and crazy.

I'm so fucking disappointed in myself. For some reason, assine as it is, I believed that as soon as I took myself out of the crazy situation, that I would be fine. Oh!!! HA! 6 months later, as my husband put it to me, I just got around to getting work. I thought that was okay. At least I'm following my heart. Look at him! He sticks around at whatever job until crisis arises and his ass is literally on fire until he leaves. Apparently, taking cues from him got me nowhere. Yet, he throws at me that it took me 6 months to get my shit together. You know what, I took care of myself. I traveled, I lived, I paid attention. I did what I need to do to keep myself balanced. For him, it's all about money. Fuck him and his anal worries. Yes, it is about money. But isn't mental health more important. It reminds me of that bumper sticker, “if you're not outraged, you're not paying attention”. He's not paying attention. In fact, I took him to meditation with me once, and he told me that he was doing math problems in his head. This is not meditation. This is not paying attention to the present. I have the opposite problem. I have to bring myself back to the present from worry and obsessive thoughts about work or what I “have to” do. My demands upon myself, my incessant problem solving. And he's doing math problems to keep from falling asleep. I'm so jealous I can't think straight!

So, this entry is not about my husband, although we'll talk more about him later. I retract any statement about feeling guilty about taking time off. I DO NOT and will not regardless of his shit. I am currently making more than he is and I'm not even working full time. So whatever.

So, after I took the time off, I moved forward. I went towards my calling. It feels good to be doing what is true to myself. It started out great. However, I had a full caseload in literally 2.5 months after I went into the first developmental disability agency. Validation if you want it- you're good. We need you. However, the family and my husband were by no means amazed by this. If anything, they expected it from me. Of course, because this is what people are used to from me. It's not about being gradual, it's about GETTING IT DONE. That's what I always do, that's what expected of me and that's how people treat me. When my husband and mom were supportive of me before, they would support me doing the smallest things, like going to a class that I had to make a presentation at. I was so nervous, I didn't sleep the night before, I could barely bring myself to go in. And all for a couple seconds of panic. They would give me props for taking time off, taking care of my own needs. This made me feel like I was doing well given that I have an anxiety disorder. However, now I put together my own business, it's as if the anxiety disorder never existed. Not just for them, but for me too.

First thing that happened, I had 6 interviews in one week and I had to turn down two clients. I have all this happen and I have to ask them to go out for a celebration dinner. No one is even remotely excited. Everyone's just like, “I'm so proud of you, I knew you could do it”. It's totally conditional and not related at all to anxiety. No one even talks about that. Which is the worst thing ever.

Following, the next two weeks were seriously stressful. I was running around in fucking circles. I was totally frazzled. Not in a total anxiety attack mode again, but simply frazzled. I needed to STOP and SIT DOWN. I would continue to feel it when I came home because my husband would be sitting on the couch waiting for me. What's that about? Whenever we had plans, I had to make them as usual. I am once again in charge, the one doing all the work everywhere.

Soon, we start fighting. First, about money. Which makes no sense, because it's the first month that we have any income. So bad, that I have to leave the apartment and spend the night at my mom's house. A pattern, me in tears, him arguing about absolutely nothing. I can't even figure out what he's arguing about. And later all he can say is sorry and that he doesn't know what he's arguing about and why he's so defensive.

More, I get full, I start working more, I'm starting to feel more stress. I'm getting more and more wound up, more and more labile. Regardless of the fact that my clients love me and I'm getting constant validation, I can't manage my own anxiety. I start feeling it physically again.
1.tight jaw,
2.can't look people in the eye without having a surge of adrenaline
3.worry about social interactions
4.can't stay presentation
5.have nightmares about my husband and relationships
6.cry more because I'm so upset with myself.
7.Have buzzing energy going on inside me as if I'm on an electric fence when I'm around other people – mostly friends not family or clients.
8.Increased neck tension
9.Feel pressure to get to yoga and meditation
10.When I don't get there, I blame myself and get tremendous guilt.

And soon enough, here I am again. I'm feel totally lost again. Why am I so incapable of handling life? Why can't I be happy for what I have? How do I stop? How do I feel better and just be calm? It's beyond me again. It's like I knew where it was, but now I'm totally confused again. I feel like crying and just not stopping. I don't know what to do anymore. I already went through this.

I guess what I'm dealing with is that my anxiety is not an external thing. I always thought it was. I always thought it was triggered by something. I wanted it not to be me. Apparently it is me, it was me all along. It's all my fault. Or, it just means that I have an anxiety disorder that I can't control and it limits me in some things. So how do I manage then? How do I live effectively with anxiety? Especially with my work? How do I deal with the unknown without flipping out with these questions? I'm sending this entry to my therapist.

Sorry about the crazy talking guys. This has been a long and stupid break. I need to know that I can't neglect myself. I can't leave myself alone, I must maintain otherwise no one else will do it for me.

1.I must write in my journal/blog
2.I must be honest about my anxiety and how I feel it's limiting me and then challenge those limitations
3.I must go to meditation once a week (one of two days)
4.I must go to yoga at least one day a week.
5.I must monitor my anxiety levels on a daily basis on both physical and mental anxiety.

I still feel this tremendous pressure from my family and husband that I must succeed. He even went so far as to tell me that if I keep obsessing about everything that I'm going to lose my clients. These things stick in my head. They feel abusive. I can't deal with things like that. It serious places me in a total state of panic. I feel like I am going to lose all my clients. In my case, it seems to improve my performance when I'm told that I won't succeed. This probably comes from my dad and mom telling me I'm never good enough, even though I'm still at the top of my class, still ranked in tennis and still playing in a nationally renowned orchestra. My performance is still never fucking good enough. But it's always good. That's the only thing that I have faith in- I hope. I just like to worry about it apparently. It's called self-torture.

How many irrational beliefs can you pull out of this entry?

How do I ground myself? And remember that whatever I do isn't my life? How do I achieve balance again when adding in work? Why can't I adjust to this? Why can't I adjust to work when I like my work?