The Merry Go Round of Crazy

Here we go again on the crazy merry go round. The crazy merry go round. When the fuck do we ever just get the fuck off?

Yes, here I am, totally wound tight as a bow string. And this time, things at work are GREAT. Everyone tells me that I'm doing a phenomenal job. All I get is GOOD feedback from not only clients but from people at agencies that I contract through. I apparently am doing a kick ass job. Of course I am, I'm busting my fucking ass. Working as fucking hard as anyone could fucking work. Here I go, I feel an “asshole” comment coming on. I'm an asshole! Why the fuck do I need to work so hard to prove myself? And now, that I already proved myself? I continue to do it?

I know I am on the right path career wise. I feel that innately, and implicitly. I know I'm doing the right thing and all signs around me on the magic 8-ball are pointing to yes. However, the crazy merry go round is back. Someone should write a book on it. It's the fucking ride of your life. And you just put one foot on it, and think you can get off, which you could, but for some reason, you just watch yourself unable to remove yourself. As if your fucking feet are duck-taped to one of those god damn little benches with the psycho ducks that you can ride. I never understood why they put ducks on the merry go rounds. No one rides a duck. You go on a merry go round to ride a horse.

Anyway, I digress, I'm swept away by the merry go round and it's like some crazy carnie amped up on meth won't let me off the ride. I can totally see myself on the ride though, I'm totally aware of what I'm doing, but somehow I can't get off until I feel totally overwhelmed and crazy.

I'm so fucking disappointed in myself. For some reason, assine as it is, I believed that as soon as I took myself out of the crazy situation, that I would be fine. Oh!!! HA! 6 months later, as my husband put it to me, I just got around to getting work. I thought that was okay. At least I'm following my heart. Look at him! He sticks around at whatever job until crisis arises and his ass is literally on fire until he leaves. Apparently, taking cues from him got me nowhere. Yet, he throws at me that it took me 6 months to get my shit together. You know what, I took care of myself. I traveled, I lived, I paid attention. I did what I need to do to keep myself balanced. For him, it's all about money. Fuck him and his anal worries. Yes, it is about money. But isn't mental health more important. It reminds me of that bumper sticker, “if you're not outraged, you're not paying attention”. He's not paying attention. In fact, I took him to meditation with me once, and he told me that he was doing math problems in his head. This is not meditation. This is not paying attention to the present. I have the opposite problem. I have to bring myself back to the present from worry and obsessive thoughts about work or what I “have to” do. My demands upon myself, my incessant problem solving. And he's doing math problems to keep from falling asleep. I'm so jealous I can't think straight!

So, this entry is not about my husband, although we'll talk more about him later. I retract any statement about feeling guilty about taking time off. I DO NOT and will not regardless of his shit. I am currently making more than he is and I'm not even working full time. So whatever.

So, after I took the time off, I moved forward. I went towards my calling. It feels good to be doing what is true to myself. It started out great. However, I had a full caseload in literally 2.5 months after I went into the first developmental disability agency. Validation if you want it- you're good. We need you. However, the family and my husband were by no means amazed by this. If anything, they expected it from me. Of course, because this is what people are used to from me. It's not about being gradual, it's about GETTING IT DONE. That's what I always do, that's what expected of me and that's how people treat me. When my husband and mom were supportive of me before, they would support me doing the smallest things, like going to a class that I had to make a presentation at. I was so nervous, I didn't sleep the night before, I could barely bring myself to go in. And all for a couple seconds of panic. They would give me props for taking time off, taking care of my own needs. This made me feel like I was doing well given that I have an anxiety disorder. However, now I put together my own business, it's as if the anxiety disorder never existed. Not just for them, but for me too.

First thing that happened, I had 6 interviews in one week and I had to turn down two clients. I have all this happen and I have to ask them to go out for a celebration dinner. No one is even remotely excited. Everyone's just like, “I'm so proud of you, I knew you could do it”. It's totally conditional and not related at all to anxiety. No one even talks about that. Which is the worst thing ever.

Following, the next two weeks were seriously stressful. I was running around in fucking circles. I was totally frazzled. Not in a total anxiety attack mode again, but simply frazzled. I needed to STOP and SIT DOWN. I would continue to feel it when I came home because my husband would be sitting on the couch waiting for me. What's that about? Whenever we had plans, I had to make them as usual. I am once again in charge, the one doing all the work everywhere.

Soon, we start fighting. First, about money. Which makes no sense, because it's the first month that we have any income. So bad, that I have to leave the apartment and spend the night at my mom's house. A pattern, me in tears, him arguing about absolutely nothing. I can't even figure out what he's arguing about. And later all he can say is sorry and that he doesn't know what he's arguing about and why he's so defensive.

More, I get full, I start working more, I'm starting to feel more stress. I'm getting more and more wound up, more and more labile. Regardless of the fact that my clients love me and I'm getting constant validation, I can't manage my own anxiety. I start feeling it physically again.
1.tight jaw,
2.can't look people in the eye without having a surge of adrenaline
3.worry about social interactions
4.can't stay presentation
5.have nightmares about my husband and relationships
6.cry more because I'm so upset with myself.
7.Have buzzing energy going on inside me as if I'm on an electric fence when I'm around other people – mostly friends not family or clients.
8.Increased neck tension
9.Feel pressure to get to yoga and meditation
10.When I don't get there, I blame myself and get tremendous guilt.

And soon enough, here I am again. I'm feel totally lost again. Why am I so incapable of handling life? Why can't I be happy for what I have? How do I stop? How do I feel better and just be calm? It's beyond me again. It's like I knew where it was, but now I'm totally confused again. I feel like crying and just not stopping. I don't know what to do anymore. I already went through this.

I guess what I'm dealing with is that my anxiety is not an external thing. I always thought it was. I always thought it was triggered by something. I wanted it not to be me. Apparently it is me, it was me all along. It's all my fault. Or, it just means that I have an anxiety disorder that I can't control and it limits me in some things. So how do I manage then? How do I live effectively with anxiety? Especially with my work? How do I deal with the unknown without flipping out with these questions? I'm sending this entry to my therapist.

Sorry about the crazy talking guys. This has been a long and stupid break. I need to know that I can't neglect myself. I can't leave myself alone, I must maintain otherwise no one else will do it for me.

1.I must write in my journal/blog
2.I must be honest about my anxiety and how I feel it's limiting me and then challenge those limitations
3.I must go to meditation once a week (one of two days)
4.I must go to yoga at least one day a week.
5.I must monitor my anxiety levels on a daily basis on both physical and mental anxiety.

I still feel this tremendous pressure from my family and husband that I must succeed. He even went so far as to tell me that if I keep obsessing about everything that I'm going to lose my clients. These things stick in my head. They feel abusive. I can't deal with things like that. It serious places me in a total state of panic. I feel like I am going to lose all my clients. In my case, it seems to improve my performance when I'm told that I won't succeed. This probably comes from my dad and mom telling me I'm never good enough, even though I'm still at the top of my class, still ranked in tennis and still playing in a nationally renowned orchestra. My performance is still never fucking good enough. But it's always good. That's the only thing that I have faith in- I hope. I just like to worry about it apparently. It's called self-torture.

How many irrational beliefs can you pull out of this entry?

How do I ground myself? And remember that whatever I do isn't my life? How do I achieve balance again when adding in work? Why can't I adjust to this? Why can't I adjust to work when I like my work?

Relapse- check in

So, it's been a long time.

It's so interesting how when things start progressing and moving forward how we are so likely to begin the cycle once again of neglecting ourselves. Or at least it is for me. I realized that I stopped monitoring my anxiety in my calendar, stopped making it a ritual for yoga again, stopped talking honestly to anyone about my anxiety. Stopped talking to my blog, which is more important for developing insight that any other outlet I have ever discovered. While I have been “productive”, I find myself needing to stop and take a check in on just how productive I am being.

Yes, I am an overachiever, and yes I tend to try and get everything done RIGHT NOW. With my work, this is very effective for running your own business. I feel good and balanced about what I am doing. I am relieved to know that I am staying in social work and working with people with disabilities. However, I always have fleeting doubts about whether I am capable of handling it. Am I strong enough anxiety wise to manage this job. On the other hand, I am also reminded that I have an amazing ability to relate to people with DD. I just connect with disabilities for some reason. Maybe it's because I have one myself- anxiety is something I am able to use in my work with people. I'm able to use myself in my pro-active so much more. In fact, if I don't use myself, that's when it doesn't work. I have been able to stay present in building a business. But it built up so quickly. That's part of the reason I haven't been writing.

But there's always a reason to write. It's necessary to monitor my anxiety. It's necessary to make sure the disconnectedness doesn't come back. It's necessary to check yourself before you wreck yourself G. It's necessary to maintain my ability to stay present without falling back into feelings of lack of control and panic related to initial meetings with friends, especially.

It's interesting that having an anxiety disorder and recognizing it is really like going through a 12 step program. First, accept that you have the anxiety. Accept is as part of yourself. Accept that no matter what you do, even if you are anxious, is as good as you can and you don't always need to do better or outdo others. It's interesting because in the work that I do now, I don't feel that need. It's refreshing. I do good enough for my clients. I was proud of myself, because last week, I got so busy that I forgot a meeting with a new brokerage. Instead of stressing it all weekend, I sent out an email to apologize, called the woman first thing Monday and apologized and rescheduled. Instead of babbling out a lying excuse, like some substance abuse client would (OMG I couldn't get to treatment today because I took a mental health day), I simply explained that I overbooked myself and forgot. She was TOTALLY cool about it.

What' I realize is that brokerage systems are constantly reminding me that I don't have to be perfect. In fact, I make top dollar as a contractor because my notes are great, I stay on top of stuff, I get great feeback from clients. People consider me professional and extremely capable of relating to a variety of people. I met my last two new clients last week and they both really liked me. They were happy to work with me, they trusted me and apparently, one of them doesn't trust anyone. I DON'T have to be perfect. The only people that demand things of me are the job development clients. In fact, I am considering dropping one of them and have been extremely direct with one's case manager because I know she is drinking. I know because I did that. I'm not interested in dealing with someone who isn't serious and it's not my fucking problem. I don't want anything to do with substance abuse. At this point, tis a forever statement. It's not necessary, I don't want it, I'm not a fucking sick ass psychopath who doesn't care about myself and is so self-deprecated to be manipulated by sick fuckers who can't stop using meth but won't even admit that they use it. I'm not interested in the bullshit lies that go along with it. The great thing about my current position is that I don't have to. I can drop whoever whenever I want. And the great thing is the because I am doing what I do (a niche), they need me. I'm professional, I'm unique and I'm able to use my personality.

This is really important to me. I would rather be on my own and working with a population who isn't trying to one up you and figure you out with everything they do than work with a bunch of fucking losers who will do anything to keep the attention off themselves. Fuck that. People with disabilities have real problems that come as a result of something they have to endure rather than some other shit that someone put on them. With them, it's themselves they struggle with. It's not everyone else's fault. I don't deal well with everyone else's fault. FUCK YOU. You did something to end up here bitch.

Not that it's a big deal, but I also get to wear whatever. I can act as a model to others as far as behavior rather than a lack of identity social worker. I have heard repeatedly that I am an inspiration to people and that I am making a difference, I am helping. This is so refreshing. That's why I started this. I didn't start it to become a martyr or self-abuse. I also didn't start it to become God. I started it because you notice little differences in people's quality of life when you become a part of it. I must just have that gift. I don't think it's something to have to get into my head, just a recognition. If I connect with someone, I can impact their lives.

There's a distinction that needs to be made here. When I'm a social worker, I have to maintain a personal and professional identity. I can do that as LONG as everyone at the agency is doing it too and I am supported in doing this. However, I can't do it as the odd man out. Now, when I go to an interview and wear a hat, skinny jeans, a tank, jacket and a scarf, I am told that it's to benefit the client because it makes them feel like I am funky and cool. This benefits the client because people with DD also need someone they can look up to. In fact, I landed a client because she liked heels and I talked to her about my own heel obsession.

Anyway, these are the positives. I need to remember them too. I'm kind of all over the place today. However, it's important to continue to MONITOR myself. When I stop, I lost focus. I can't see my protective shield. I start worrying about nervous energy. I start judging myself. I start arguing with others and feel unsupported. I have to support myself. I have to let all this shit out on the computer. I have to blog. It's important to continue to be sane for me. There are many things that I need for my anxiety. I have identified meditation as one. Yoga was one before summer hit and I'm in the middle of a 100 degree heat wave. WTF- who would want to go to Bikram yoga in 100 degree heat? I'm not that crazy.

It's okay when I can't do everything. I need to recognize that I have chosen to train for a marathon right now. That is hugely time consuming. I HAVE to run. This is obviously an irrational belief. I don't have to. However, there are consequences if I don't get in the mileage. I am extremely strong right now. I feel great. I have no injuries. I'm recovering quickly. My 50k is in 3 weeks, marathon is in 8, other 50k is 4weeks after that. I'll qualify for my maniac title and retire for a while in the running department. Not really, just SLOW DOWN. It's okay to miss an art class. It's okay to miss a meditation at Saturday at 8am. I can sleep in. I go every Wednesday. It's important for me to force myself to sit from time to time. It slows me down and makes me feel normal. I have the ability to stay present.

My assignment from my therapist was to mess up. I'm practicing being more human instead of worrying about someone's completely inhuman expectations of me. Sometimes, I still feel anger towards her as a trigger person. But I know what I would do now. Even though I'm sure I would be in full panic while doing it.

I like that my panic is now situational rather than random. Triggers include thinking that I see someone who looks like my dad, seeing someone (a friend or business venture- anyone for a meeting). Anticipation causes anxiety. However, only at times. For example, I got really anxious Thursday when meeting 2 potential clients. However, Friday, I had an interview with a new company and I didn't panic. When I am active, busy or when the focus is not solely on me. I feel like I am better at being myself once settled into a situation. I am connected. However, I have flashes sometimes, like “what if” it comes back? What if it gets worse again?

I know I'm doing my calling for work. I also know that the last 3 weeks have been a great universal connection where I have been busting my ass trying to get “everything done”. I'm not really sure what that means, but I know what pressures me. I need to have everything “done” before I can relax. I don't really understand if that's little errands or whatever. It varies from day to day. Maybe my anxiety is a biological issue too. I wake up some mornings feeling HIGHLY anxious. I take Kava. I'm still highly anxious. However, other days, I wake up and I'm highly relaxed. On a plane. I feel calm as a Hindu cow. Maybe it has something to do with my activities, but I think it's more existing already.

When I'm highly anxious, one beer will relax me where I'm right myself. I can be focused. This is better than before, but I'd prefer it not so at all. But even if it is, that's okay. It's okay to just be. When I stop worrying about what's going on where, I feel more grounded. I think that writing really helps. Just express it when it comes up, and deal. There might need to be a structured blog time. Maybe every Saturday for an hour. I'll come to a bar, get a beer and write. It's therapeutic and might help with some of the anticipatory anxiety that I feel. Completely unrelated, but makes me centered. Let's me be more aware of myself.

There are so many thoughts that I have, I realize this is a long and somewhat disjointed post. It's because I haven't been checking in with myself weekly. It's amazing the insight that you can have just by writing for a while.

Triggers: maybe running into anyone who I have some highly charged energy about- old friendships that ended, dad, old boss. Anxiety about looking stupid to people. This is something important. It's important to use my protective shield. No one is here to hurt me. I know when they are, I use my intuition and kick them out of my life. I have a close protective circle that I can relax into. I need to call friends, even thought I don't have the time. I don't have to be a perfect worker. I can talk to friends on my trips to and from my Wednesdays. I have resources, I just need to use them.

The blog especially.
Peace