%#@&#$ self pity

So, rejection sucks my ass. Especially when you rejected by a client's mom when the client can't make his own decisions because he is too excited about singing about the California Raisins.

Well, whatever, mom was agro anyway. I guess it's just really important to get some sort of external validation now. But it will come. The I-Ching says to be patient. I didn't even want the job with the client that I interviewed with yesterday. I guess I'm just smacking myself in the face because it seemed so easy to get. I wouldn't have been upset if I hadn't been nervous. For example, I did a couple client interviews last week and was totally myself. If I wasn't totally calm, I definitely felt I looked calm. However, I was angry at myself that I was “shaken” yesterday morning for this interview and that's why they didn't hire me. It doesn't bother me if I'm not nervous and they don't pick me because then I know it wasn't personal. However, if I'm feeling nervous and shake a bit, then I know that my anxiety was the reason. All I really wanted was some affirmation that regardless of the anxiety that I didn't look anxious and people want me to work with them anyway. Yesterday, I was being interviewed with another dude who was visibly nervous. The mother commented on it repeatedly. She was a mess and I felt bad for the other guy. She didn't make any real comments about my behavior, just commented that the other dude was, “intense”.

So, maybe I pulled it off. You know, it's really weird. When other people are visibly nervous, I think, “thank God they didn't see me”. I never think, oh it's not a big deal, I just feel relief that the attention is directed off of me. This is stupid. I should empathize, but I don't. Because anyone who says, there's no reason to feel anxious is right. I really thought I had this job in the bag yesterday. I played it off well, sending an email to the provider saying, “too bad, i thought we had a connection. I hope he didn't choose someone else because I said I liked video games because that was kind of dorky”. I didn't hear anything.

My assignment for this week was to SCREW UP! Practice being less than perfect. Well, I practiced trying to be perfect yesterday. When I practice being less than perfect, usually I feel better about myself. When I practice being perfect, or when I put pressure on myself, things don't work out so well. This is stressful for me, because the last think you want to know when you are nervous is that if you just “relax and be yourself” everything will be fine. Because you know that you can't relax if you are supposed to relax. Telling an anxious person to relax is like telling an idiot to be smart. It's like not possible. It's like telling a fat person to be thin. Good luck with that one at the moment (unless you are Star Jones and you can just do some Pilates- or gastric bypass surgery).


So, I think I need to start telling myself to be nervous. Be nervous as I want to. Because obviously giving myself permission to fuck up doesn't work. I practice screwing up, and then I feel guilty and pathetic and like I can't even move I'm so let down. I have no motivation and feel like a total failure. I think this is a bit disproportionate to being let down by a person who doesn't even have the capability to choose me in the first place. His mom, who was totally agro and controlling was the one who chose me. I thought she was a problem and here I am beating myself up. I guess that I'm really questioning myself as a social worker and as someone that people feel comfortable with and like. It's stressful to know that feeling comfortable with oneself is a pre-requisite to others being comfortable around you. Because if this is the case, there's even more importance and pressure on my performance in this business.

It's difficult when you are so damaged and feel so bad about yourself and that your ego can be beat up so easy (by a feather) to try and be interviewed based solely on who you are, your person. My person is really fragile right now, while I am working on making her tougher. She is getting there, but having a tough time. So, being evaluated as “not a good fit” right now, not at my own accord is not only frustrating, but a complete blow to the ego. It's almost worse that not getting a job. Although similar.

My goal for this week is to remove some of the pressure off myself for being not nervous. Being not nervous seems to be my biggest stressor. It's like if you can be not self-conscious while helping others, you are more effective. When you get too much in your head, you are no longer effective. People can read that in relatedness and comfort level with you. I get so caught up in these things because I feel like people can really read my own feelings when I'm with them. That's why I'm so paranoid when I interview. They know I'm nervous, they can tell. I'm not being myself . Truthfully, I'm not being myself, but no one ever really comments. It's like, do they know? Are they clueless? What do they see about me? About my appearance, the fact that I bring a cup of tea to the interview and wear a scarf to hide my face and draw attention away from myself as much as possible. Do they notice that my jaw quivers and my voice shakes a bit when I start talking?

If someone would simply tell me what I look like I would feel better. Yesterday after that interview, I went to a presentation where I talked about my skills to a room full of 6 staff members. They all complimented me on my performance and poise. But I wasn't really that nervous. It felt nice to be complimented.

If it was a better vibe yesterday, I may have been totally more comfortable and less anxious. However, having a group interview (with another person) and being without the client and also with crazy mom, it wasn't a good scene.

Just wish I wouldn't let myself feel so bad about such stupid shit. Instead of taking advantage of my day off, I get all depressed. Only thing I accomplished today was running ten miles and booking a party for my husband's birthday and getting another referral for an appointment next week that I have VOWED not to tell ANYONE about until I have the interview. No pressure on me. The person who I will be interviewing with actually needs behavioral supports which means a HIGH salary. The case manager also has faith in me and is referring me for behavioral/specialized services. This is a sweet ass referral because of the money. But, I want to stay present with this. To talk about it will jinx it like I've jinxed the other interviews. Honestly, I haven't really wanted any of the other interviews to come through, again, I just wanted to be validated that I'm “in demand” for what I do. It's been such a long process of invalidation.

Whenever I say no pressure, I feel more pressure. It's so important to just be gentle with myself and not worry so much about what I'm projecting or how I look or how nervous I am. This is SO Much to keep track of? How could anyone even be present let alone complete a sentence and look how good I was at at least completing a sentence. Even carrying on a full conversation. I was honestly surprised they didn't choose me until the end of yesterday when I didn't get a call.

Anyway, this was more of a feeling post than most. But it talks about my vulnerability. I need to expose vulnerability and feel okay about it. If I'm nervous, it's okay to be nervous. When that dude said he was nervous yesterday, instead of me piping in, I let him take the fall for me and him. Did anyone notice about me? Or were they too worried about him? I wonder if the provider will ever use me again?

These are all too many things to think about. But self doubt is a fucking pain in the ass. It strikes whenever you risk yourself. But there are other reasons for me.

I blame this all on running into my ex-supervisor the other night. I was feeling so much more calm and balanced and then I see her (she didn't even see me) and I go into full blown panic, right back to where I was. This is such bullshit. Why did I have to see her right when I was starting to feel better. Is this a sick joke to show me how little I have actually progressed since I was at that last job? I felt so bad afterwards because not only did I panic, but I was humiliated and felt horribly guilty for letting it affect me so badly. I was reminded by some that whatever I feel it's okay, and others that they thought I needed to let it go. I can't let it go. If I would I could. What I'm really pissed off about is that I thought I had let it go more than I had. I thought my anxiety was much better. On a level of thinking about her and also a baseline in general. It's not fair that these things jump up so quickly and out of nowhere. To simply kick your ass and remind you, you're still damaged! All the work you've done hasn't really made any difference because look! I can put you RIGHT back where you were. Full blown relapse. Whenever you let your guard down, don't chant your mantra daily or feel like you can actually get back to normal life again, your anxiety jumps back down your throat. “Hey BITCH! Remember me? I'm bad to get some more fucking cred because you didn't give me enough in the last week”.

It's really difficult because I preferred to think of anxiety as something that I can control. However, I can't control everything. Most books tell you that anxiety is NOT something you can control. It comes out of nowhere and sometimes sneaks up on you. If you could control anxiety, would you really be freaking out for NO fucking reason being an asshole and shaking and not enjoying yourself? Would your anxious self take over when it's so much more fun to just be yourself? I don't think so. Maybe if I was depressed and self-deprecating then I would induce anxiety upon myself in difficult situations for enjoyment. But, no. I don't enjoy anxiety. I also get frustrated because anxiety seems like you induce it when you have it. Depending upon external events or how you are thinking about something, anxiety can seem stronger. When you are worried about something then anxiety gets worse instead of better. And it sticks around while you're standing outside waiting to be interviewed.

I'm really god damn pissed off. I want to blame my ex-supervisor (for running into her- what the fuck was she doing at a bar anyway? God damn substance abuse counselor). But then I want to blame myself because no one has power over you but yourself. Anything I feel, I am responsible for. So, I get to take credit for my own self- doubt and pity. Gee that's new and rewarding and insightful. Let me take responsibility for more guilt and suffering?