I have finally been able to see that it wasn't all me. Getting back into the disability community, I realize that people- staff are still there, they haven't left their jobs from four years ago when I left. Not only that, but I know them. I get a warm welcome from people who I haven't seen in a while. Seeing the turnover in substance abuse, it's depressing and it shows me that most people can't fucking handle it. Not just me. Moreover, disability services must be doing something right if they're able to retain that many of their employees. It's so funny because if people are not in the same company, they have moved to another.
I have been going to trainings on both mediation and disability services. While I still feel a sense of trauma going in, I begin to realize that I'm not going to be attacked every time I say something and the anxiety and fear wears off with time- gradually. Not to say it won't come back with a vengeance, but I think all along, I've been thinking that I'm the crazy one. Now that I'm no longer surrounded by fucking scientologist brainwashed Social Workers, I begin to realize that people are real. That they give each other feedback, advice when they speak in class. There is a dialogue about comments you make. There is a recognition of different points of view. Not only that, but there is exchange and there is also emphasis on people “being on the same page” and “working as a team”. I notice that when I work with clients now, providers respect my opinion about “best practice”. If I set a boundary with a client off the bat and create rules, it's up to me because it's my own practice and people are respectful and not only that, but ask me for advice due to my experience. While I don't need to be considered as the “end all be all” of mental health, it's nice to know that people respect your experience and ask for what you think about that. I feel appreciated and positive about my abilities. I am getting a bit more confident while I still struggle with anxiety. I don't feel like I have to be perfect in everything. I can just be good enough.
It's good to see that I fit in so much better here. In fact, I feel welcomed for my efforts and my knowledge, not put down or ignored. I share a perspective with people. It's interesting as well because these people are not necessarily totally educated or anything, they just have an understanding of people and empowerment. In my belief, I think you can be a better social worker without getting a degree. It keeps you saner and doesn't brain wash you.
Note: It's shocking to me that substance abuse services are so poor on the West Coast. I don't know if it's just my state, or if it's the entire west coast. However, I noticed on the East Coast that disability services was totally backward and substance abuse services were more advanced. The people who were better at substance abuse services (those on the east coast) embraced research and evidence based practice to move the field forward as a scientific method rather that some personal vendetta of the “normies” against the “addicts”. The people on the west coast who are better at disability services are people with OUT master's degrees. Interesting that there are not many people with master's degrees who go into disability services. Well, so what? I guess that's where I fill a void.
Taking classes on communication and conflict, it becomes more and more evident (there is proof scientifically) that my supervisor was, in fact, a psycho bitch and while I knew this before, I thought maybe it was just me. No, she was really insane and had no idea how to communicate. I'm still working on maitri with her (don't think that will be possible in the near future), but I think that I have recently been able to separate myself a bit more effectively from this weird group of people that make no sense and most likely will always be an enigma – like Scientology – and will hopefully remain so.
I think I got to this point where I was so traumatized by my work, that the only way I could work was to entirely separate myself off “professional” and “personal” with no crossover whatsoever. This was not only not effective, but damaging to me. I think it's important to have boundaries with clients, however, these should come naturally to a person and should be discussed when working in an agency. Many people have different ideas of boundaries and so, there should be a norm discussed (as was evident in my field studies). However, there cannot be one person with boundaries and an entire agency without any. I have realized that my boundaries were continually tested and I was told that boundaries were wrong. I should be more casual, I should care less, I should eat McDonalds for lunch. But god forbid, I shouldn't express knowledge or an opinion because it's frowned upon.
I have learned that it's impossible for a helping professional to remove themselves personally from their profession and it should not be so. If you do so, you lose all sense of your identity and your passion for helping. I have been reminded by a mentor and teacher that it is important to use yourself in your work. I have been working on this and reconditioning myself to do so. I have spent the past two years saying the myself is “wrong” and that I can't use myself in my work because I've been shot down every time I try to bring myself into it. Now, I'm reminded that I got into this profession for a reason. I didn't get into it to be a brainwashed unthinking, unemotional mental health professional. Someone who can't think or talk for themselves or express a simple viewpoint. If those are the type of people who are attracted to “therapy” roles, let them be. I just want nothing to do with them. I got into this profession because I have the ability to be motivating to clients and connect with people somehow. I don't know what it is, but I can do it. I can just be and affect people. I'm also good at figuring out how to help people solve problems. I need to be able to use this in my services. I am outgoing, motivated and encouraging. I have a different style than many and I won't allow my clients to play the victim. I will be direct with them and tell them where I am coming from. This is myself. No one else. It's not wrong, I won't apologize for it and if it doesn't work for an agency, then I'll go elsewhere to use it. If I can't be myself in my profession, it isn't worth it to me. I will leave.
This does not, however, mean that I do not have the ability to set boundaries. It is not appropriate to give your clients gifts, accept gifts from your clients or hang out with your clients. It is not appropriate to be friends with your clients or (obviously) sleep with your clients. It is important to set rules with your clients upfront about your style, give them expectations about what you do. And how you do it, so that when they go against the rules, they know because you can refer to your expectations or a contract they signed. While this is a somewhat personal relationship where the therapist uses themselves as a conduit for which the information comes through, it is still a profession. We are selling ourselves- somewhat like prostitutes. Except without the sex- duh- you guys refer to rule one! We are selling ourselves to people as vessels to improve their lives. Whether there is some personal stuff that contributes to that or not, it is important to think of ourselves as running a business and how we run that business is how we handle ourselves personally.
More later.
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