So... It's been a while, but not too long. I'm working on a book called, “When your best isn't good enough” - Story of my life. Ha.
I'm also working on myself and my work. I've been getting busy. Which honestly, I'm a bit worried about. I think I feel some external pressure from my husband because he's so psyched about how much money I'm making and he feels strapped. I think he wants to keep up with me, he's suggested going to get some contracts if he's not going back to business school.
I definitely feel better about where I am in business, however, I don't feel I'm caught up yet. I got all this business so quickly and now it's almost like I feel guilty saying no. To who though? Most likely to my dad. Conveniently, I have heard from him and my half brother unfortunately. While I used to make fun of them on this blog. I notice that I don't think my childhood was nearly as funny right now, considering that my brother went totally nuts. Apparently, he's HIV positive and psychotic and off his meds. This is always good news from your dad to whom you haven't talked in two years. Always, a shock. I notice that when I started writing this blog, I made a lot of fun of my childhood and felt really good about that. It was cathartic and it was helpful.
I think I have come to terms with the fact through a lot of self help and work that my child hood was actually quite traumatic. My own self-blame comes from my dad going agro on me for 2 days after I lost a tennis tournment. Oh, right, bitch, we're not going to talk to you because you LOST. Actually, here's the beauty of my thoughts about myself as “crazy, sane, bad, good” etc- these were the common definitions in my house. My dad would get angry if I “showed emotion”. I don't know how many Fucking lectures I got on “showing emotions, not being tough, letting that girl get to me, getting unsettled”. It was ALL about showing emotions. This is a pretty big deal to me right now as what I worry about is showing emotion. I worry that if anyone knows that I have anxiety that I will revela some big secret. I'm trying to get more accepting about this right now, but it's been a challenge. I know that I'm getting hired because I'm anxiety and because I'm real. I'm not so worried about that. However, I remember that when I showed emotion on the tennis court and got down on myself, my dad would scream at me even worse. In other words, it wasn't about winning or losing for him (well it was) but not as much as it was about being something that I wasn't. It was all about SHOWING something that I wasn't. If I was frustrated with my own tennis on the court, I would get punished because I was showing weakness. I thought it was a self-fulfilling prophecy because I knew I would get punished, so I already self-defeated. Hence, it explains all the weed I smoked in high school.
Anyway, I remember one day after a tennis match that I lost badly. My dad screamed at me like there was no tomorrow. He was so angry I didn't know if he would throw something at me. He would throw temper tantrums and you never know. I cried for 4 hours on the way home from Kennewick fucking Washington traumatized about that experience. He didn't talk to me for 3 days afterwards.
Judgment day!
That's how it's gone down since. How do I come to terms with this crazy judgment call I have from someone with the emotional reality and ability of a two year old?
When I saw my dad recently, I panicked more than ever. I hadn't heard from him in 3 years. He calls me to tell me my brother is crazy and ask for professional help. Then a week later, after telling him I don't want to be involved, I run into him at a park where I run. He had the nerve to ask me about my half brother and tell me his contact with him. I told him again I wanted nothing to do with it. My father has disappointed me so much. I thought he had a heart. The only reason he told me about my half brother after 1 year of this type of behavior was because he did not want to deal with him anymore on his own. My dad is a two year old.
I have realized that I am judging myself by the standards of a two year old. I think this is sad.
My goal right now, is to get back to blogging. And get back to my LIGHT HEARTED BLOGGING!!! It needs to be in my schedule! 1 hour a day. Have fun with it! Where did my fantastic sense of humor go? I am pretty serious about being a Jew lately. It's pretty funny to be a jew right? It's pretty funny to work with people with disabilities that you call nuggets. It's pretty funny to have a life where after 4 months of building a business, you are at a place where you are making 3 times as much as you were 1 year ago.
Get back to taking self-care. Regardless of having a job, part of that job is being centered for my clients. I need to stay on center, otherwise I'm useless for my clients, I'm going to burn out and I'm going to get overwhelmed. I know that I have anxiety, unlike my brother who is just crazy. I know that I have problems and I know that it's important to take care of them. Please help me be reasonable. I NEED TO DO MY HOMEWORK! I need to sit down with my husband and read about anxiety. Read about self help. Read about everything. I feel much more connected to myself now and self aware and listening to my signals. However, I need to be happier and more funny. Things need to be humorous. Keep it light. My job is light. I need to stay light.
I need to stay centered and know what type of contracts that I am picking up. I need to reduce my anxiety and lower it, not listen to what my husband's body language reads. Fuck that- that's the old me. I'm good about monitoring my anxiety and recognizing my limitations. It's important to be realistic with myself and with others. Right now, I'm getting overwhelmed and I need to drop the things I don't want to do, even if they pay more.
Fuck. I always figure shit out on this blog. It's the only way for me to get my head in gear. Thanks, writing for letting me get my head on straight and simplified.
Namaste
