INTERNAL BATTLE
I'm fighting with myself again. I have started blaming myself, questioning my actions and continually doing so, about everything. Today, what the fuck am I doing? Things didn't turn out as planned and communication was not clear about what was happening. So I'm blaming myself, others, whoever. I'm blaming. I'm angry. And I'm struggling. I am judging myself from this higher power that I don't even know where it's coming from. Well, actually, I know exactly where it's coming from, but I didn't think it was still so strong.
I'm angry that I could be where I am right now considering all the work I've done. I'm pissed at myself for dropping the ball on my anxiety exercises. I'm upset that my husband's shrink thinks I need Xanax. I'm angry that I'm at this place again, given all the work I've done. Do I have to continue this over and over? It's so annoying., Two weeks ago, I was content, present, here. Now life throws you lemons and yeah, I DO the right thing. But I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm the only one who can't deal with it. This was a huge deal. It was something that anyone would have been upset about. However, I happened to be in a place where no one was. My husband is not an emotional person. He was not worried about it. Neither were his parents, although they don't react to anything. I feel completely incapable of handling anything and this is ALL coming from my dad. I feel that I need to be punished or seomthing for feeling bad about this. I don't know how a small contact with my dad could be so damaging. I KNOW that he is toxic.
Moreover, I'm pissed that I let my dad affect me so much. That fucking son of a bitch calling me out of the blue. And re entering my life only to have me set a limit and watch him run out again. Only this time at the expense of another life. My brother's life. This time, it's really over with that side of the family. I'm done. I don't want anytthing to do with them. I don't want to be affiliated with them. I don't want to see them and I don't want to know them. I get angry at myself when I see my own hands that remind me of them- my brother or my dad. I get angry at myself when I hear myself using a dad voice, or sounding like my dad. I hear him in me, or my brother in me, the more angry I am at them, the more I am at me too.
I just had a talk about this with my massage therapist. She always gives me perspective. She is someone who is extremely emotionally connected and wise. She is also centered and knows how to process. She suggested that my brother is actually on meth and talked about it as a process of addiction. Which is something that I didn't really fathom before. While I was literally panicking while I was talking to her and telling her the intial story about my brother, I recognized that I was judging myself extremely harshly. By my dad's standards. However, what I hadn't heard myself or anyone else say before was how harsh his judgments are. He is a Jewish Republican who doesn't associate with the Jewish religion and won't talk to the synagogue.
In terms, he is a self- hating Jew and my brother is a self hating gay. My dad doesn't accept anyone who is different or who has a different way of doing things. That's not mine. It's not my shit at all. My massage therapist told me that I was judging myself under the harshest most rigid standards. Eventually, I calmed a bit and at least felt connected and my heart rate went down. She told me that was insanity and all the noise that was going on was craziness. I knew that, but it wasn't until I had some acknowledgment that this was a difficult situation to deal with. I felt (like my father) that this is not or “should not” be a problem. When in fact, this is a huge problem. It SHOULD tug at your heartstrings and it is difficult. This was a real heart to heart. I also told her that when I was in Boston, I never had the chance to have that recognition immediately because I was around people who were not necessarily emotional. While my husband's parents are not totally toxic like my dad, I felt a certain amount of judgment from them. And I don't feel close to them or emotionally supported. I was all by myself. I didn't feel that my husband responded to it (hence some of the frustration and anger that I feel towards him – blaming now and then) and his parents listened, but his mother brushed it off as, “oh, my husband needs something. I'll call you back”. When I arrived, there was some discussion about what happened, but there is no listening, acknowledgment and support. My husband is supportive, but he is not emotional and things don't hit him like they hit me. I am an emotional person. I love being emotional. I love being highly sensitive! Life would be totally boring without it! I like the ride. As long as I don't continue to judge myself by my dad's standards. I'm not my husband and I'm not his parents. I'm not my dad and I'm not my brother. I am myself. With my panic, my racing heart, my insight... I will accept that without judgment and especially without my dad's fucked up judgment. He is a problem. He is not a bad person. He is who he is. He has a problem. He is an emotional two year old. He is toxic. Nobody has really confirmed that for me like it was confirmed today. My massage therapist told me, my therapist told me, my family and friends have told me. But something struck me today. About HOW bad it was. HOW fucked up. My massage therapist has that ability. TO respond to something and put it into perspective. Wow, what a mess. Yes.. it's whacked out. But it's as good as he can do.
I need to remember that ebing unlike other people is what makes me stand out and make change, not being what my dad wants. HE doesn't even know what he wants, and yet I continue to desire approval. He will never approve and his opinion has no more clout than that of a 2 year old. I will not give it any credence. POT. STAY. POT.
