So, it's official. I'm now well into my thirties. Well, actually, I'm not technically “well into my thirties”, but pretty much anywhere in the thirties means that you are now officially in your thirties. No more, twenty something, no more calling yourself a “transitional” adolescent. Now it's time to really say that you're an adult. Oh my god that's depressing. Being an adult is never good. That means that it's time to stop screwing around and go get a god damn real job and stop attending hip hop shows.
You know that you're thirty when you go to a hip hop show and everyone around you looks about Miley Cyrus' age or like they stepped off Nick at Nite. I didn't know that those kids were allowed to go to hip-hop shows. It's like, did you tell your parents that you were going to see Kanye West or did you just sneak out looking like Christina Aguilera (pre-pregnancy, circa 2002). Also, how did you get to walk in those stilettos? It's unbelievable how little kids first of all look more trendy than most adults and that they are able to walk around like Carrie Bradshaw in a pair of 4 inch stilettos. What do they do, practice in front of a mirror?
You know you're thirty when you go to a race where you get a free beer at the finish line. But, instead of carding you (they carded my husband), the woman says to me, “I don't need your ID, I can tell by your hands”.
What? My hands? I looked down at my hands and then at hers. I wondered why black fingernail polish (not the goth kind, the Mary Kate Olsen kind) classified as “post 21” era and her old wrinkly hands weren't the actual topic of speculation. True to west Coast style, I bit my tongue. To this day, I have no idea what the hell that was supposed to mean. I still look at my hands and wonder. They aren't particularly wrinkly, or veiny (although I had just run a ½ marathon). Whatever. You know you're thirty when they actually justify to you why they card you in bars. Here's the situation. How many times has this actually happened to you? You say, “thanks- I love getting carded.” and the bartender responds, “we have to card everyone who looks under 35”. Thanks asshole. That's a real winner thing to say. I was simply saying it felt nice to get carded and you deride the whole compliment with an undercut. That's when you tell the bartender that he looks “too old” to be working as an underpaid restaurant in a dive bar like this. It's really time for him to do something with his life!
You know you're thirty when you go to the cosmetic store and they start trying to sell you “anti wrinkle” cream. I love how they try to justify it with, “oh now, you don't have any wrinkles, we just want to prevent them. We sell this to people in their twenties”. Look Mary Kay, I don't care who you sell this to, if you have something to say about my laugh lines, I need to know. Because I don't want to end up
like Nicole Kidman. 40 looking younger than she did at 25. It's not cool to “suddenly” look younger. You need to start the Botox process as a preventative measure like Jennifer Aniston. She looks the same age as she did on Friends, just better. Check out her skin? What do you think scored her John Mayer. She had no sudden change in her looks. She simply “maintained” her appearance by getting work done before there was a problem. On the other hand, Nicole decided when she saw a laugh line about 4 years ago to “nip” it in the bud and had some serious work done. Then suddenly she showed up at the Oscars looking like a female “Lestat” (vampire reference to those of you who haven't kept up on Ann Rice novels). Her skin so fair and smooth, she looked like a porcelain doll. No, that's not natural and it's blatantly obvious that she's had work done. See the sudden change is the part that's embarrassing. When you get botoxed for the first time and you had let the skin start to sag already, just admit that you had something done. There is no reason to pretend that your skin is just getting better as you age. That's like Michael Jackson saying that he didn't have plastic surgery. Oh wait, he still claims that he didn't have any work done. Whatever. I think all work is acceptable. But to lie about it is a problem. At least Goldie Hawn says in her drunken stupor, “hell yeah I've had work done”. And honestly, she does look pretty good still. Well, I guess Nicole got her karma because she ended up with Keith Urban (what is he like 30 going on 60? And did he ever get out of rehab?). So I digress, but the idea is that if I'm going into the cosmetic store and they are selling me anti wrinkle cream, I'd appreciate it if they were more direct and just told me, “it's time to do a little Botox”. I don't want to be in Nicole Kidman's situation. You know you're thirty when you lie about your age. I lied about my age for the first time today. I felt somewhat guilty about it, but then I didn't. I was talking to an acquaintance about the fact that it was my birthday yesterday. She asked how old I was. I laughed because I just had a conversation with my friend this morning that it's “good to be 29”. I am forever 29. Sort of like Fran Drescher says. I liked 29 and will forever remain 29. So, here I was. Would I actually enforce this rule? I guess so. I blurted out, “29” as I laughed. She believed me of course, because who would actually lie about their age by 2 years. I guess there's a limit. Ha. She said, “you really are young!”. I found myself searching the young things that I still did. Like, “I'm going to a show tonight”. (pause waiting for the question). “What show?”. “Hip hop”. (wait for the laugh). There it is! She laughed and thought it was funny. I said, “since I'm not thirty yet, I don't have to grow up yet”.
*Side note: Why is okay for black people over thirty to go to hip hop shows and not okay for white people over 30 to go to hip hop shows. In fact, if white people go to hip hop shows over 30, they usually end up looking like Tom Cruise at the Kanye West show.
I just have a question. That kills clout for Kanye. While he is an asshole and sports and attitude the size of Texas (by the way, don't you like those new vacation ads for Texas that say, Texas, it's like a whole different country- hello, isn't it?), you know you've sold out when you let Tom Cruise come to your show and dance on a pole. There's got to be a limit. As a hip hop star, I would ban Tom Cruise from my show. I wouldn't let him in. In fact, I would have him cavity searched at the door. No wait, too enjoyable for him. I would have him beheaded at the door. I would have his real height announced over loud speaker to the crowd. No more of those Jason Priestley style platforms Tom, the cat's out of the bag. Back to the point. I also busted out with some other young things and even language. Oh yea, “a bunch of us” are going away for the weekend. Who says that? That's like so high school. A bunch of us are going down to the strip club, wanna join? A bunch of us are planning to go to the football game. A bunch of us, is either the alternative to “I want you to think I'm really cool and have lots of friends” or I'm still in high school. I take option number two! Ding ding ding.
You know you're thirty when you start putting pressure on yourself to “figure” your shit out. Figure out your life and what the hell you are doing. I don't really want to get into all that because it's depressing. But it's like, everyone around you decides to “get married, have children and purchase houses”. So, duh, it's time to start popping some buns in the oven, interviewing real estate agents, and looking for Vera Wangs. You know you're thirty ONE when you figured out that you really don't need those things or that you CAN'T have them yet. When reality hits, things really start to hit the fan. What do you mean I can't buy an apartment now? What do you mean that I have to save for 4 years considering the amount of debt that I've accumulated? What do you mean that I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and dig in, waiting for the future and hard work to pay off. Well, sometimes, hard work doesn't pay off and 5 years later, you end up just where you are. Things have to change.
This is the time where you start accepting that this is reality and it's time to change things. Not just your perspective, but your relationships, your apartment, your lifestyle. You realize that things are going to be different. That's okay with you and you begin to understand that just because you are thirty, you have absolutely no idea what's going on. Sort of like your twenties, except older. And with increased paranoia about people finding out your true age.
On the upswing, this reality is way better than the people who throw themselves into undesirable situations to achieve these things. Most of these people end up getting divorced sooner or later anyway. In fact, they basically divert or postpone a midlife crisis until later in life. I'd like to deal with it, and move forward. Not have some gnawing issue attack me over and over for the rest of my life. How the hell am I supposed to pop a bun in the oven when I can't even afford to buy a house, or for that matter, figure out what my own mission in life is? I have decided that no one really knows their mission in life. Or if they do, when they reach it early, it turns out that they really didn't want it the way it played out anyway, or they become resigned to accept some reality that they never thought they would end up with. Too many people get to the point where they don't care anymore and decide that nothing they do could alter their reality.
I don't want to end up like one of those people. I need to enjoy the journey. 30, 31, or 29 forever. Doesn't really matter as long as I'm entertained for the ride. BTW- this isn't hugely related to social work today, just a vent.
